Friends - don’t call us we will call you

[Fridayfeeling77]

I meet up with a couple of old friends every few months. I had a feeling that one of them was being slightly off with me the last time we met. It was nothing definite (but an unexpected sudden slight change out of nowhere). We have been friends for years not in each others pockets, its not competitive, we always have a laugh and get on well, pick up where we left off and enjoy spending time together or so I thought and we have all said the same unprompted in conversations and in fairly recent messages. It was just a sudden but subtle feeling I had. I then doubted myself.

I waited a few weeks and messaged them both suggesting a get together in a few weeks time (I thought if I did this at least I would know and not spend time wondering). They both said they were free on a couple of dates, I asked them to let me know which was best. To cut a long story short they then both made excuses and bailed. No mention of new dates now or in the future and one even replied with a friendly but ‘shit sandwich’ message asking if we were both ok, something about being busy for the next couple of months and xx. As though no and I am busy for the foreseeable thanks but no thanks.

I am hurt and unsure how to respond but think sometimes it’s maybe better saying nothing, leave them to it. I definitely won’t be initiating anything else. My small friendship circle seems to be almost none existent now. Sad as I am 50 later this year and would have liked them both to celebrate this with me as they are both good fun or at least that used to be the case.

NB it wasn’t the cost as I had suggested one of our usual venues or had offered to host drinks and nibbles.

I hate stuff like this, I'd rather just be told if I've upset someone. How upsetting.

Thanks me too.

If we had an argument, if one of them had said I don’t like when or it really annoys me, offends me upsets me etc when you do or say this at least I would know or have a chance to explain or defend myself.

Ironically, the one whose attitude I thought had changed was the one I was most friendly with originally and I have known the longest. But I have witnessed the both of them suddenly go against another friend and cut her off some years ago. So with hindsight I shouldn’t have been surprised but understand sometimes our lives change in different directions etc.

Are you sure it’s not just that you were proposing getting together rather sooner than your usual ‘every few months’ pattern?

If your question is how to respond on their message the answer is :
👍

if you are asking what to think about your gut feeling: you are probably right but what can you do? Nothing, I would just carry on with my usual life if I were you.
If they’d come back to me and suggest something, I’d say yes if it’s something interesting but otherwise not. I wouldn’t make a huge effort just to see them.

Thanks no this would have been about the right amount of time and they both initially agreed to it then both changed minds. So I don’t think thats the issue here and it kind of confirms what I suspected. Usually if someone suddenly can’t make a date for whatever reason occasionally two of us would still go ahead but more often someone would suggest some more dates or lets get together the month after or something (but after the change of heart and that comment) I think I have to bow out of trying to organise anything else..

Thanks agree and think you are right. I prioritised them (knocked backed two other invitations although one with IL’s) based on them both agreeing to dates first but clearly I am low down on the list for them otherwise they would have got in touch to cancel or rearrange without me having to chase them first and then to just make excuses and not suggest another meet up at a later date. I think they have signalled how they feel quite clearly.

Frustrating. I am around the same age as you and have realised a lot of my friendships seem to last a few years and then fade away or stop more abruptly (less common). It’s a shame but I think trying to meet new people is key. It’s annoying but I would just move on if they are being off for no reason

I reach out once and then leave people to it. This was you reaching out so I’d make no further contact until they did.

Thanks both. I have known them both a goodly while one of them well over 20 years. We have had gaps in the friendship when we didn’t see each other for a little while when she first met each of her husbands (as both quite jealous) and gaps when we both had young children (at different times) but we met up by chance and always picked up where we left off as we had never fallen out.

But you are right I have reached out given the benefit of the doubt and so I will accept where we are and move on.

It's difficult to know what's going on with them.

If I thought there was a slim chance they had problems with husbands or money worries or something stressful and they weren't just being weird with me in particular, I'd still reach out with another date the following month.

If they don't reply or bail again I'd presume they were done with me and think it's their loss, a couple of bitches I can do without

Thanks this was me reaching out and this what I was met with I am going to trust my initial gut feelings. I am afraid I don’t have the headspace for flakey or fake friends right now at least I know where I stand (nowhere) and also I don’t think my confidence could take another battering.

With one thing and another my birthday is going to be fairly shite now and this has put the tin lid on it.

Accept that you should have trusted that gut feeling. Something is off but you don't know what.

Step back and see what happens. The ball is in their court.

Just make plans for your Birthday even if it's an organised group thing with a load of randoms. It will take your mind off things.

Thanks think it will now be small scale celebrations and with DH and my DC (if they are available).

💯 agree

I hope your ok, I know how u feel; I’m in a similar situation but it’s my sister who has alienated me, she turnt on me for no reason atal, and I’m not even aggregating when I say I don’t know what I done wrong, she just all off a sudden started putting on Facebook that she has washed her hands on family members, obviously me, she is abit off a ring leader and has alienated me from the group chats, I come off social media a few months ago because I don’t want to know; I was hurt at fist as I missed the group but now I think we’ll sod u ur a little bitch if u fall out with your own sister over nothing atal I won’t take it personally and I wouldn’t want to be in her fireing line ! Some people are just nasty!!

Yes, agreed had I not had initial gut feelings and it was just this cancellation I might have reached out again but too many things against doing this 1) my initial gut instincts 2) my reaching out 3) them both agreeing and replying in quick succession with exactly the same availability (again my gut told me something was off with this as it usually takes several messages to agree dates we can all make 4) they both gave excuses to cancel in quick succession (often one might cancel for whatever reason and we would usually message asking if just two of us still wanted to meet or reschedule when all of us available but usually only one would cancel not both of them within quick succession).

All this together and I now feel completely mugged off by them and suspect they agreed to meet in the first instance to stall things for whatever reason. I have obv done or said something and the one I thought I was closest to has turned against me and also turned the other one against me. Its playground stuff that I don’t need.

Anyway thanks all I know now and will leave them alone.

@TeaNtoast25 take care hope you are ok too?

I will mourn the loss of what I thought were two genuine good friends for a little while and then I will pick myself up and dust myself off life is too short. Our get togethers always felt like such a tonic before, during and afterwards now I feel like a bit of a fool.

Thinking about it. I prob have the most interesting and best job, I have a loving encouraging, supportive husband, I have lost a bit of weight recently, gained more confidence and strangers chat to me and react more positive towards me because I look happier and I feel better. So maybe someone has changed towards me because she perhaps feels threatened by me now as she was always the most attractive between the three of us whereas now I am getting more attention and enjoy getting dressed up instead of feeling fat and unconfident and she maybe sees me as competition and doesn’t like it.

Yes same here, I have a supportive partner and 2 lovely kind children, I always count my blessings, like you inwas nothing but kind, generous on there birthdays, then wen it was mine, I got absolutely nothing! Not even a happy birthday, it just makes u feel silly but then I think I will never put myself in that situation ever again; it’s not just her but she influenced my other sister aswell so again no happy birthday off her even tho I brought them thoughtful decent gifts, I was going to ask u is there anything u have done to make them feel envious off you? Some people don’t like to see others get by in life and strive off negativity, they don’t like it and only like to put people down

where as I’m the opposite I love to see people doing well and bettering themselves, your “friends” don’t sound very nice, they sound like my sisters, very catty and thrive off being nasty and putting others down, it must make them feel good about themselves, I just don’t get it

Sorry this has happened. From the way you described your friendship it all sounds a bit fun but superficial. Not a criticism, just an observation that you seem to be having a laugh rather than sharing each other's lives. I was just wondering if they might then not share if there's something going on in their lives that makes them not want to meet up?

Of course it may be that they have met some shiny new friends and are leaving you behind which is very painful.

I think you regularly have to make new social connections as friendships evolve and can wither over time. Are you up for that? It can be a good time to meet new friends as women have more time after the intense childrearing and/or career-building years.

They are the problem not you. We’re living in a time when people don’t have any time or interest in others, they are putting boundaries up all over the place and cutting people out. I see it constantly on here.

But we have literally no idea what is going on here. The OP had a nebulous feeling something was off at the last time they met, her two friends can’t make the next date proposed, and one says she’s going to be very busy for the next couple of months. That’s all we’ve got.

I'm sorry that the people you thought were your friends have turned out to be such 'mean girls'. that's really shite and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
Put them firmly on the back burner and crack on with your lovely life without them.
Happy birthday !

It wouldn’t worry me too much, circumstances change all the time. Next year that might be you, being too busy with your child’s GCSEs, or a parent. Maybe it’s not even personal, they’re both spending more time together and enjoying it. It doesn’t have to do with something you’ve done or not done. And maybe they are picking on the vibe you give: ‘they don’t want me’ and think you’re the one being difficult. You never know.

Let them.

The issue you’re having is the lack of friends, so address that.

Why do you want friends? For company? To do what? To have someone to talk to, or go for a run of an evening? To have a girly holiday with? Because just to meet and have a meal/coffee is not really a basis for a friendship.

To give you an example, we have a small art gallery in town, that invites mainly local artists. If you’re a ‘friend’ of the gallery, you get invited to the opening, the artist gives a walking tour, there are drinks and nibbles etc. I have been to a few of these openings and got to know people. One of them is a photographer and we got to talk about the stories an image can tell and to what extent the photographer can stage the scene. The evening was coming to an end and she suggested we continue bouncing off ideas off each other: would I come for dinner?

What I’m saying is: the basis of friendships are changing all the time. We’re not in school anymore, we don’t all do the same thing at the same time in the same place. It needs to be tweaked a bit.