Friends - don’t call us we will call you

[Fridayfeeling77]

I meet up with a couple of old friends every few months. I had a feeling that one of them was being slightly off with me the last time we met. It was nothing definite (but an unexpected sudden slight change out of nowhere). We have been friends for years not in each others pockets, its not competitive, we always have a laugh and get on well, pick up where we left off and enjoy spending time together or so I thought and we have all said the same unprompted in conversations and in fairly recent messages. It was just a sudden but subtle feeling I had. I then doubted myself.

I waited a few weeks and messaged them both suggesting a get together in a few weeks time (I thought if I did this at least I would know and not spend time wondering). They both said they were free on a couple of dates, I asked them to let me know which was best. To cut a long story short they then both made excuses and bailed. No mention of new dates now or in the future and one even replied with a friendly but ‘shit sandwich’ message asking if we were both ok, something about being busy for the next couple of months and xx. As though no and I am busy for the foreseeable thanks but no thanks.

I am hurt and unsure how to respond but think sometimes it’s maybe better saying nothing, leave them to it. I definitely won’t be initiating anything else. My small friendship circle seems to be almost none existent now. Sad as I am 50 later this year and would have liked them both to celebrate this with me as they are both good fun or at least that used to be the case.

NB it wasn’t the cost as I had suggested one of our usual venues or had offered to host drinks and nibbles.

If you have the type of friendship where you only meet every few months and pick up where you left off, I think you might be overthinking them cancelling on one occasion and being busy.

It doesn't sound like it's a really close/ main friendship group- it's more of a casual thing - and sometimes people just drift a bit or they are busy. It's life. You even say yourself that the nature of this group is that you sometimes drift and then come back again.

I don't really understand why you are so offended at a fairly casual friendship group not getting together/ people being busy.

I think the real issue may be that you want a closer/ more regular group of friends than this has ever been. You'll need to find that elsewhere, these friends were never offering that.

I wouldn't write them off completely yet, but I wouldn't reach out them again either.

That’s fair.

I would be really careful with that kind of thinking. Does it really fit what you said were friends whose company you enjoyed a lot? They would resent you based on so little? I understand that you feel hurt, but creating a narrative of jealousy that might be totally false isn't necessarily healthy or helpful in moving forward.

Thanks that makes sense, I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

Whilst we all have partners, grown up children, different lives, interests, other friends and acquaintances (I don’t believe any of us have any other very close friends that we see face to face or speak to every day or couple of days and this is how it is has always been. In the last 10 years apart from during lockdown we have met up face to face every couple of months but sometimes more frequently but we are in contact outside of this.

We all talk about how much we enjoy getting together and I probably need and want more of this than they maybe do which has probably made them back off.

My children are the youngest and they are now both at Uni (so I have more free time) and my poor DH is poorly and will get worse so I am probably looking ahead to the future and wanting a closer relationship and want to see more of them (before DH gets really poorly and my world is turned upside down), I am also more worried about my future now and this has made me realise I can’t count on these two at all not even for a night out and pleasant welcome distraction which is all I wanted every couple of months and to celebrate my birthday with them.

Thanks still just trying to make sense of it all and mourning the loss of what I thought were good friends who all enjoyed spending time together.

I think you need to reframe this. You seem to be upset with them but this is not their fault, this is just life. You are in a bit of a victim/ poor me mindset, when the reality is just that they are busy and this is a casual friendship. I doubt they have any inkling that you would respond this way.

You want different things from friendship, that's OK, but you need to be proactive about going out and making some new friends who are at a more similar life stage to you.

I'm sorry about your husband too, that must be very hard and it totally makes sense that you are thinking about future friendships. Good luck.

Thanks all, now I know.

My friends both know about DH’s health and have both been lovely asked if anything at all they can do and if I ever wanted to talk about it to let them know etc just to shout anytime. I haven’t and reassured them that what I really wanted them and needed was them just to behave as they always have, I didn’t want to talk about it all the time and that all I wanted and expected from them was for them just to be able to continue to enjoy our fun days or nights out and not to dwell on DH’s health so I haven’t really been a killjoy or moaning Minnie.

Even though you haven’t been a “moaning minnie” its very common for groups of three to splinter when one member changes (has a baby, an illness, needs support) because the other two can’t tolerate the shift in priorities. Its shocking how fast people can drop you in anticipation of your needing emotional support—especially if your role in the group had slways been giver/supporter/audience.

"You cant rely on people" as my stepdad used to say .The problem is life changes, and we are often busy and may no longer be in the same place as we were.I had Cancer last year, which is hopefully been treated with Chemo.The odd thing is a couple of chums seem to have stepped back .In a strange twist of fate the Cancer support group organised by the hospital seems to be a place to meet new friends ! God forbid that you become ill ,but maybe some new friends are lurking at work maybe or DC friends parents ? something like that maybe

Yes thanks all. It could be a bit of jealously from one friend, a jealous partner who has no friends of his own or maybe just the thought of my perhaps needing cheering up or support in the next couple of years was enough to send them to the hills.

I am having the same experience. I am recovering from cancer surgery—prognosis excellent btw—and a very close friend has been too busy to even check on me by text. Since I came ‘round to help her years ago after her car accident I am honestly really surprised. Maybe we have just aged out of being people who offer help, even rhetorically? Not sure I would make a fuss over a friend in the future.

Hope you continue to do ok @pikkumyy77 true I guess some people are kind and others don’t have the energy empathy or compassion.

OP, this is getting a bit mad. On the one hand you’re theorising that they’re stepping back because they’re jealous of you because you have the most interesting job, best relationship, best post-weight-loss body, best responses from strangers etc — despite the fact that you say in your OP that it’s never been a ‘competitive’ friendship.

On the other hand you’re also theorising the complete opposite — that they’re stepping back because your DH’s worsening health makes you someone deeply unenviable, who is going to need a lot of support and TLC over the next few years that they feel unprepared to give , and you’re theorising this despite the fact that you say they have both asked if you wanted to talk about your DH’s poor health and asked if there’s anything they can do.

It can’t be both, and in fact you don’t seem to have any evidence to suggest it’s either! All that’s happened is you felt your last meeting was slightly ‘off’ and neither of them has suggested alternative dates for the next meeting you proposed.

Isn’t it likely to be more significant that you realising you’re more reliant on this fairly casual trio of friendships than the other two are, and fixating on it more, hence changing the dynamic (in your own mind, if not necessarily elsewhere)? Or that your last meeting was, as you suggest, not that enjoyable and the others aren’t keen on a repeat? Would you have been noticed the lack of alternative dates if you’d had lots of other friends on the go?

There is no way in the world I would drop a 20 year friendship on the back of such flaky assumptions!

You are guessing, but what if one of them is ill, has serious problems and haven’t had a chance to tell you in person yet? Or some other reason. Don’t just jump to conclusions op.

Call the closest friend directly and tell her you are sensing something isn’t quite right, is everything okay as the meet up is cancelled. Just be open and honest. She will either tell you the truth or fudge it. You will be able to tell, and depending on that phone call you can make a decision.

You can’t just drop old friends on a whim. It sounds like you need more friends, more support and maybe a counsellor to process your feelings. Keep your fun friends if you can, and see what happens.

Shit happens to everyone at our age. I am a very private person when going through challenging times, but that doesn’t mean I would drop my friends. Just laying low.

If it turns out they are doing the mean girls thing, then best to know right now before the worst happens. Join women’s circles and book clubs in the mean time. Build up your local network too. Neighbours etc.

I am very sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your dh, you said they were supportive so I doubt it is that.

@Crichel thanks possibly. It does sound mixed up but everything is true and yes I have been dwelling on things far too much just because I was trying to figure out why. I have talked about DH a little when prompted but not too much or for too long as I don’t want to bring the mood down.

I messaged to firm up the dates on this occasion as it is soon, I had suspicions they might cancel as one of them seemed off last time and also I wanted to know either way if things had changed and DH’s family had suggested a get together on one of the dates they had originally suggested and another ex work friend mentioned going to see a band on the other proposed date. Ideally, I would have preferred to see them two but thought I would check before replying to IL’s and ex work friend. We had all messaged to say we had enjoyed the last get together. It was the day after when we stayed over night somewhere that my closest friend was off.

Thanks@Biscuitsnotcookies that could always be a possibility but that friend has clearly said she is busy and doesn’t want to meet up or be bothered by me or us for the next couple of months (I know she was going abroad for a few days with a big extended family group to celebrate one of her sons birthdays soonish) so it could be saving for that (although a get together at mine would have been virtually free), it could be health related but I think she is also quite a private person and has clearly warned me off and expressed that she is busy and asked for space or we have been bombed off by her message (for at least the next couple of months) so with that on top of my gut instinct I don’t want to pester her so soon after her brush off message.

Shall I say anything like ok thanks for letting me know I had a couple of other offers for those dates but wanted to check in with you first. Hope your both ok and enjoying some sunshine. Or just say nothing?

I would reply a very bright and breezy, "Okay, no problem. Hope to see you soon." No talk of having other stuff you can line up as it makes you sound a bit desperate. Just leave it at that.

Trust your gut. You said you thought one friend was a bit off the last time you met. You also had a feeling that they would both cancel. Accept the fact that you knew deep down it wasn't going to happen for whatever reason. Trying to work out why they are doing this, if you have done something wrong or if they are jealous is overthinking. You will probably never know why this has happened. Focusing all your energy on this is a waste.

I've developed a very light touch to relationships. If something is difficult or hard work then I accept that it's not in my best interest to continue and let it go. Sometimes people come back in a different guise and sometimes they don't and that's okay. Focus your energy and attention on people and situations that are easy and make you feel good.

Also, see what they do about your Birthday and if they get in touch. I would be very vague about your plans. Just tell them that you have a few nice things lined up but be non specific.

I would definitely use this as a sign that you need to find a few new acquaintances. If nothing else, to take your mind off these two.

Our get togethers always felt like such a tonic before, during and afterwards now I feel like a bit of a fool

You enjoyed the meet ups so there is absolutely no need to feel like a fool.

If you had forced yourself to make an effort to meet them, and came away feeling drained, then you might feel like a fool for bothering. That wasn’t the case.

No need to respond or say anything.

Ball is in their court.

I would say: I hope everything is okay with you (both ) Look after yourself/selves and let’s catch up another time when it is not so busy x

Acknowledge the shift, and her unavailability. Leaves it in a nice place for them to reach out.

I love that description- light touch. That’s exactly what is required here and generally I find. Or it becomes fractious and hard work, and takes up way too much headspace!

Thanks sent a light message short and similar to what @Biscuitsnotcookies suggested. They both replied in a friendly way but basically saying the same thing about how very busy they both are with no mention of a potential future get together anywhere in the offing. So will definitely leave them be.

A woman was chatting to me at the gym this morning she is about 4 years younger than me pretty, lovely, bubbly and chatty. She always seems to have a busy social life with friends and invitations coming out of her ears. She was saying she had spent a weekend away in a lodge with three friends and what a great time they had had, another friend on FB posted some photos of her and about 10 friends last night who had all spent the weekend in London, dressed up and gone to an Abba Voyage concert for a belated birthday celebration.

I feel like the friends or few acquaintances people I still know and have left would be lucky if they went out of their way to meet me for a coffee for an hour at the minute never mind spending (any more time or money with me to celebrate my birthday or just doing something sociable). I know FB only shows a tiny percentage of someone's world etc etc. But I am left feeling quite low. I spoke to a relative last night on the phone who is in her late seventies and she seems to have more fun and more of a social life than I do.

Basically, because we had kids later in life and had no family support we couldn’t go out as a couple together or with other friends who were in couples and when older friends were getting more freedom and taking off for a weekend away I couldn’t go as all our money went on childcare (so gradually we all drifted apart).