Miserable but we love each other

[Lifeistestingme]

Has anyone else been in the situation with your DP where you both love each other a lot but you're also miserable? We argue so much recently, about anything and everything. It's got to the point where it's hard for us to go a day without a full on argument. It's not healthy, but even when we seem to try really hard not to argue, we still do. We can't agree on most things, it's hard for us to ever compromise without one of us being unhappy and bitter. I'm just tired of it. Part of me wonders if I should call it quits but the other part of me is extremely attached to him and I love him a lot. But it can't carry on and nothing we try works.. it's got to the point I'm planning on not talking much the next few days just to avoid a potential argument. Any advice? Anyone been in this situation?

It’s cheaper than a divorce and living separate lives. Prioritise your relationship and pay for 6 Weeks. Cheaper than a holiday too and so worth it.

We're not married, but I see your point. I just think with our current financial situation, it would be a big "no" from my partner. I think he thinks we can handle it but how? Nothing is changing 😭

That's a really toxic environment for your child, it's not sustainable.

With no marriage contract you're very vulnerable, working part time with zero legal protections. Is your boyfriend at least paying towards your pension while you're working fewer hours? Are you dependent on him for housing?

Don't engage in arguing with the man any further. Instead, focus on financial security and securing your own property if you haven't already. This is not a life enhancing relationship.

I know - we try not to argue in front of our baby, but I know it's toxic.
Yes I'm 100% dependent on him. It's his house. I'd be in a very vulnerable position if I left, but obviously if this situation doesn't get better then I will have to make plans to leave.

Honestly I think at the point you’re genuinely considering not speaking much for a few days just to avoid the argument the relationship is over.

You don’t love him, you love the idea of him and what is familiar. It’s scary to take that step but what is even scarier is the reality of spending the next 10 years of your life like this, going between arguing and silence to avoid arguments, with a child growing up in that environment.

Oh no, he could kick you out any time he wants. Can you afford to rent anywhere alone? Check CMS for how much the man would have to pay towards his child depending on how much parenting he'll do.

No, I do genuinely love him. And he loves me. We've both shed some tears the past few days because of this. We don't want to hurt each other but we can't see eye to eye on so many things recently.

I want to find a way back to how we used to be because I know it's still there and it's still possible, I just don't know how at the moment. Maybe we need some time apart, but I'm not sure we would go about that.

A charity called Care for the Family offer a free marriage/relationship course - either as a physical course you attend or as videos you work through together online. The idea is you discuss one common issue each week. It might be worth a try if you are both committed to working at it.
New baby, new job, money issues would cause conflict in most otherwise good relationships.

The day to day stuff and values is what it counts to be happy. If you are incompatible it can become toxic. I for instance have grown out of my relationship. We had much more in common in the past when we did not have kids yet. Being miserable can affect your health and life negatively. Try to find your way back.

I think people are missing the fact you have SO much going on here.

Having a 1 year old alone is stressful. Working with a child and maintaining a house is stressful. Having money worries alone is stressful. Put them all together and it has to boil over at some point.

Is it a case of your both incredibly stressed and you're coming home to your safe space and taking it out on each other?

Therapy sounds like a good idea but equally perhaps it's worth trying to prioritise yourselves a little if therapy isn't achievable? I find I'm much more tolerant with my DH and therefore we argue less when I take half an hour to go for a walk and clear my head each day. For me that's putting the baby in a sling at nap time, headphones on and go!

Ok it is probably going to sound ridiculous but.. me & my husband were nearing this point, there wasn't a week that went by without me saying I wanted a divorce at some point. I started lifting weights then he started and then just like that we had something in common again, it sounds so stupid but it was just what we needed to reconnect again! Over the years it had just become all about work and kids and drudgery we were both fed up and bored.

Thank you for this. I will look into it!

The thing is though these things are not true together.

I love my husband, he loves me, we don’t agree on absolutely everything (nobody does) but we do not “argue”, we don’t shout at each other, we love each other. So we can disagree about something and still never make the other person feel bad.

This is what I've suggested - starting a hobby together. But then it led to a disagreement and then an argument. He said it doesn't have to be a regular hobby, he likes doing different things with me etc. But I wanted a fixed day and time we could do something together, no excuses. Prioritise one another. He thought that was unrealistic given the fact we don't have that much time together during the week and our weekend plans tend to differ. It becomes stressful just making plans sometimes 😅

Well there's definitely a lot of stress. Sometimes it feels like we are playing a game of who is more stressed and tired etc. I'm just feeling overwhelmed recently and now with this I don't know where to turn

It depends how bad your arguments are really, but I think people have got used to giving up on relationships when they become uncomfortable - they can go in phases both good and bad over the years. Do you think you both want to save the relationship? Were you, have you been, really properly in love? Then set your child an example of how to overcome conflict and show respect to each other again.

Six months with a baby is quite a short time for feeling crappy (and probably pretty normal). Winter is crap too. Spend some time together. Make a decision to be there for each other. Compromise. It's not easy but what you have together is valuable, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

There's a reason why most relationships break down in the first few years of having a child - because its fucking rough!

Both your lives have been uphauled, and things forever get more difficult. But its important to keep telling yourself, and them, that you are on the same team - fighting the same financial worries, same lack of sleep, same work issues, same cleaning issues etc.

Resentment is so easily built if you think of it more I did this so I'm really tired, more so then we are really tired today

Me and my partner went through this, still do now and then. But we sit down, have a talk about how difficult we are both finding life right now and what can the other do to help. No raised voices, no blame, just how can we help each other.
Most of the time, that conversation is enough - just to be seen, heard and valued.

I know you probably don't want to because your feeling stressed too and think why should I, but someone needs to make the first step. Is there anything you can do just to show a little love for your partner to open up this kind of conversation?

Can you run him a bath when he doesn't expect it, or cook his favourite meal and light some candles to make it more special? Just do something unexpected, something loving, something that makes him feel seen and valued, and then try the conversation from there. Hopefully it will be the start of your partner doing the same for you - but some one needs to be a role model so to speak

I wonder if there's a lot of unspoken stress in both your heads coming from the money worries. I sense you can get through this rough patch together. Can you do something towards saving a little bit of cash either together or independently, like sell a bit of your stuff, or make a small reduction in your monthly outgoings? It would give you both something positive to feel good about, and indirectly reaffirm your commitment to one another of the project of raising your family as well as you can. Will bring some positive vibes to your conversations if you can each appreciate a small step towards money saving that the other one has made. It might be painful to start with, but could pay back some emotional reward. Good luck to both of you x

What are the arguments about? Is there a recurring theme that is not being resolved? It sounds like you need to get to the core issue, if resentment builds up it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

You say you love each other - what do you love about him? What does he love about you? In the maelstrom of day to day life, it's easy to lose sight of this.

I think couples counselling could help you. Also, try and do small kind things for each other - making him a cup of tea in the morning, giving a cuddle, him taking the baby so you can have a soak in the bath. These small acts of kindness foster an atmosphere of caring for each other and connection. You're supposed to be a team, supportive of each other. Think of ways you can do this.

If disagreements start to deteriorate into arguments, call time on it for a bit and cool off. You can both agree to leave it for a bit and walk away. Work on listening to each other respectfully and saying 'Ok, I've heard what you're saying, I'm going to take a bit of time to think about it'. You don't have to agree or disagree right away.

We definitely both want to save our relationship. We've always been in love, that's never changed. We used to spend SO much time together and sometimes just sit cuddling for hours. I do miss that but naturally having a baby changes things. The fact that he has cried sometimes after our arguments shows that he loves me and wants us to be okay. It's just hard.

Can you afford to split up? My DS saved his marriage in counselling.

You say you both want to stay together, but each of the suggestions you've put to your OH to make things better, he's dismissed.

What suggestions has he made? Or is he thinking things will magically get better without him having to make any effort or change anything?

The difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep.What is the point of arguing? You are an exhausted couple with lots of responsibilities and little money? So what? That doesn’t have to mean disagreement and conflict. Why aren’t you abetting to celebrate the life that you have and not fight over scraps of time/attention/money within the household? Why is your home not a haven in a heartless world?

You have zero rights with respect to housing and this relationship and yet both of you are overcommitted with responsibilities. You have the baby and childcare and health needs and he has the full financial weight of the family at a challenging time of rising costs. The cost you pay in deferred earnings and health through pregnancy and childcare is, of course, invisible to him.

For all your talk of “love” and him being “your person” you fell into baby/living together/dependency because of health and childcare because of some…lack in your quality of thought and commitment that you need now.

Each of you is only able to be compassionate towards yourself and seek justice or aid for yourself. That is why you argue all the time. Because you aren’t truly committed to each other snd the situation warts and all.

try reading some books or watching YouTube videos by respected couples couple's therapists. Identify the patterns of your arguments.Change thrm if you can. Maybe more compassionate engagement would restore the romantic partnership?

Ifnot: Then take a hard look at the situation. If there are no shared assets (like the house is a rental) then figure out how to amicably coparent and split. If he owns the house and other assets and he won’t marry you then walk awy. The source of the arguments lie in the fact that he is not committed to you long term and is finding this responsibility and this relationship onerous.

I wouldn't accept a man's tears as proof that he cares.

He should want financial security for you and should have added you to the deeds of his property, signed a marriage contract, and paid towards your pension while you're sacrificing this. Why has he not done any of this?

Stop arguing. Whatever its about, just don't engage. It's of no benefit to you.

You should check if you can get any UC, increase your hours, and look into renting by yourself. Then you can choose what you want your life to look like.
You're incredibly vulnerable right now, so must feel trapped, but you can change this.

@Lifeistestingme can you give some examples of the kind of things that you are arguing about? Maybe you just aren’t compatible?