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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me get perspective: DS1 broke DS2s heart tonight, and then it escalated with all 4 of us

44 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 10/05/2008 22:12

Me, my dh, DS1 and DS2 was enjoying a bit of huggy family time on our bed this evening, prior to starting getting the kids ready for bed.

Ds2 (nearly 3) was laying in the middle between me and dh, and DS1 was sitting up infront of DS2. Then DS1 said:
"It is so boring that DS2 is a boy. Why couldnt you have a girl, it would be much nicer. How can we change him?"

Ds2s was quiet, then his little face screwed up, and a long drawn out whine, before he started crying his heart out. DS1 just kept going arguing his case, Ds2 looked at him, getting more and more frantic. I stopped DS1 saying I did not want a girl, I wanted 2 boys, as it is so much better to have 2 boys. And DS2 is a fantastic and lovely little boy and I love him very much.

Dh got really angry with DS1 and lifted him out of the bed saying "how can you say this, what if we said we did not want you in this family, we dont like you and can you change" and put him down on the floor saying he was not welcome in the room with us, and he did not want to see him. Thereafter DH said to me, "you fat cunt, I am taking Ds2 out of here, and the two of you can stay here, if you havent got enough IQ to handle the situation, then leave and let me deal with it." And he went upstairs.

We have eventually managed to get both children settled and to sleep, but DS1 is now sad for what he said and how he can make it up to ds2.

I am sad for DS2, for what he heard, and wonder how it will affect him, if at all. Hopefully he will have forgotten tomorrow.

I am also furious with my dh. He wasnt handling the situation, aside from throwing ds1 out of bed, then calling me names and dividing the family making it a much bigger deal than it could have been. He has gone for a jog, hopefully he will stay out long, as I dont want to see him right now.

I just dont know what to think.

OP posts:
singyswife · 10/05/2008 22:14

Dont know what to say but am bumping for you. I would like to add that I would NEVER let my dh speak to me like that. Hope you are ok.

SixSpotBurnet · 10/05/2008 22:17

I'm sure DS2 will be fine, really .

I'm a bit shocked at what your DH said to you, though. As a one-off, then not the end of the world as long as he absolutely grovels to you for forgiveness. If he regularly talks to you like that, not good....

bringmesunshine · 10/05/2008 22:18

I would lock the door and make the ignorant bastard sleep in the car or on the road. How dare your husband speak to you like that and infront of the children

luckylady74 · 10/05/2008 22:18

Normal (if upsetting) sibling behaviour which you handled fine,BUT what on earth was your dh thinking? Does he usually abuse you in front of the children. If this is normal then you need to think seriously about your future together. if it's out of character then what is behind it?
What ever the case, you deserve an immediate apology and you need to think about letting your sons see that - or how will they think it's acceptable to treat loved ones?

Yabbadabbadooo · 10/05/2008 22:19

Well children say stuff like that all the time. DS2 is little and will have forgotten it soon.

The way DH spoke to you was utterly outrageous. Not only for what he said but for also saying it infront of DS2. In fact he said by far the worse thing and he's the one who should be apologising and making it up to everyone.

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/05/2008 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 10/05/2008 22:21

about what dh said

Totall un-shocked by what went on with the ds es...

colditz · 10/05/2008 22:21

This was a child issue until your husband became abusive towards you, now it's a marriage issue.

Throwing a child out of family time for asking childish questions is a sad way to deal with them.

AitchTwoCiao · 10/05/2008 22:21

normal vile behaviour from ds1, poor ds2. but abnormally vile behaviour from dh. you poor thing, you know that's appalling. everything you've had on your plate recently and he speaks to you like that?

swiftyknickers · 10/05/2008 22:22

if my DP ever said to me i would seriously consider our future, that is not normal beahviour

northender · 10/05/2008 22:22

what bringmesunshine said is spot on. What an absolute arse

SixSpotBurnet · 10/05/2008 22:23

I'm just wondering - is there anything in your DH's own past/background that might make him particularly sensitive about issues with siblings/gender etc? Does he have difficult relationship with his own siblings? Did his mum wish he'd been a girl?

I could be way off track, but it just seems to me that his was such a massive over-reaction that I am wondering if there is more going on behind the scenes.

Not that I think it justifies what he said, mind. But it might explain it a bit.

lilyloo · 10/05/2008 22:23

ds2 will be fine , my ds is always 'mean' to his dd and often kisses dd2 goodbye etc and leaves her out, it's normal sibling stuff etc.
Did dh say all of that in front of ds ? Why dd it escalate to you ?

Doodle2U · 10/05/2008 22:23

I'd rip my DH's knackers off if he ever said that to me QS.

RE; The conversation between the boys - I think DS2 got upset because he thought there may have been a way to change him and it frightened the living crap out of him! DS1 was button pushing and we've had similar conversations here, between my DS and DD.

The boys will both be fine.

You handled it well.

Your husband is a whole other matter.

cat64 · 10/05/2008 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ZZMum · 10/05/2008 22:27

OK so your husband called you a fat cunt... in front of your kids..

Really -- how acceptable is that? I would say NOT AT ALL.

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 10/05/2008 22:29

There is a lot going on for us all at the moment, but I think his behaviour was unusually shocking. And he is blaming me that I was handling it bad, but I think he was way OTT for laying onto DS1 like that. I had to come between them and say that DS1 is just a young child, he is an adult and should not say hurtful things like that, even if it is to let the child "know how it feals" one should parent by example, not be retaliation.

OP posts:
colditz · 10/05/2008 22:35

He was horrible to your ds1, he was horrible to you, and really until he butted in it was not a big deal.

bringmesunshine · 10/05/2008 22:36

QS - I honestly would make him sleep elsewhere, car, hotel etc until you get an apology to both you and the children.

We have a lot going on for us at the moment as do most people but if my DH said that to me that would be the end of the marriage. I do not give a monkeys what your husband has going on he should not speak to you like that ever. What a hideous example for your children to witness

Jennylee · 10/05/2008 22:38

Well he just showed your ds1 that is it okay to say nasty things, as long as you are a grown up , what he said to you is worse than what your child said as, it was swearing and calling you names and he does not have the excuse of being a kid. Don't let your dh talk to you like that, it was nasty and the wrong thing to say.

fishie · 10/05/2008 22:40

how awful for all of you. does your dh usually behave so badly, is that why yoru ds said that?

fishie · 10/05/2008 22:41

sorry i sound ridiculously snotty there, meant it to be questioning.

bringmesunshine · 10/05/2008 22:49

QS - has your husband come back from his run yet?

bringmesunshine · 10/05/2008 23:04

QS - are you alright?

Original poster
QuintessentialShadows · 10/05/2008 23:37

Thanks guys I am fine. I gave him a "lecture". He has admitted he handled it totally wrong. Very apologetic now.

OP posts:
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