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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

vote on my marriage

73 replies

littlegreyrabbit · 10/05/2008 21:45

Ok - an honest gut reaction needed here please. If you and your dh had damaging arguments where dh was spiteful, aggressive and unfair to you (and brutally unfair and critical to just one of your children) but was a lovely dad for the rest of the time. Would you divorce your dh if this happened...

once every 3 years
once a year
once every 3 months
once a month
once every 3 days
every day

(needless to say wont go to counselling blardy blarr )

OP posts:
nametaken · 10/05/2008 21:48

is the child that he is unfair and critical to his child?

Tortington · 10/05/2008 21:49

not enough information

mylovelymonster · 10/05/2008 21:49

I think my line would be drawn at more than once a year.

Original poster
littlegreyrabbit · 10/05/2008 21:49

yes - our older ds

OP posts:
Pheebe · 10/05/2008 21:49

The second time he did it to one of the kids he'd be outa here whatever the interval

But thats just a hypothetical gut reaction

What is it you're really asking here?

YouWillBeDeleted · 10/05/2008 21:50

If someone was brutally unfair and critical to my child i wouldn't have them in my life sorry

eenybeeny · 10/05/2008 21:50

god! Um... I dont know. I dont think I would ever let anyone be horrible to any child of mine. He needs to learn RIGHT NOW that is not appropriate. How damaging to that child can it be???? Its the fact that you use the word "brutally" - that is scary. Not just nit picky Dad but scary.

Pheebe · 10/05/2008 21:50

ask your ds what he thinks...

lazarou · 10/05/2008 21:51

How old are your children?

Original poster
littlegreyrabbit · 10/05/2008 21:52

What am I really asking here? I suppose how bad does a marriage have to be when it does more harm than good to the dcs.

OP posts:
eenybeeny · 10/05/2008 21:52

what does he do or say? You have to stand up for your child. Its the first thing a mother has to do besides love. IMO.

CantSleepWontSleep · 10/05/2008 21:52

'Damaging' in what sense?
Unfair and critical to the child to their face, or just when talking to you?

Gut reaction, since you asked for it, is that marriage is for life (barring exceptional circumstances), and should be worked at.

eenybeeny · 10/05/2008 21:53

If your children are suffering because your DH is abusive in any way then you need to not be in that marriage.

Pheebe · 10/05/2008 21:55

OK so its kind of how often should I let him abuse my child then? Hmmm Yep still stick by my initial gut reaction ...second time...outta here. In my book everyone gets one chance to recognise and correct.

Original poster
littlegreyrabbit · 10/05/2008 21:55

dcs 9 and 11

eeny beeny - if only it were that simple. he knows it's not ok but is a result of a f**ked up childhood himself all the talking and analysing and apologies afterwards don't stop it happening again and again

OP posts:
spottyshoes · 10/05/2008 21:56

I'm with Pheebe!! Once ....hmmmmm... twice = wanker!

Original poster
littlegreyrabbit · 10/05/2008 21:56

Need to clarify - brutal is never physical but angry swearing and nasty

OP posts:
Pheebe · 10/05/2008 21:57

He's an adult and a parent now, not every abused child goes on to abuse. Its not an excuse and it wasn't your childrens fault their father was abused himself (if that what you mean). IMO he needs to remove himself from the family until he can deal with whatever happened to him and stop taking it out on his kids...and you of course.

eenybeeny · 10/05/2008 21:57

littlegreyrabbit I am sorry if I made it sound like I thought it was simple. But to respond to your last point that he had a bad childhood and apologised etc - the key thing you said is that it still happens "again and again"

Ok... So no matter what the reason was I would not let someone hurt my child again and again. I know you love him and he has clearly suffered himself as a child but still you have to draw the line somewhere.

Divastrop · 10/05/2008 21:58

when you say 'aggressive' do you mean physically?

Pheebe · 10/05/2008 21:58

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, psychological abuse (shouting, swearing, threatening etc) can be just as damaging.

funnypeculiar · 10/05/2008 21:58

Is he brutal (harsh word) to the child or about them (ie out of their hearing)?

gothicmama · 10/05/2008 21:59

explain to oldest dc why dad is like he is use positive reinforcement to dis prove what dad says if it is affecting your child adversely then you need to decide if your husband can change in some way or if he should go

eenybeeny · 10/05/2008 22:00

What would hurt you more - for your mother or father to say they hated you and wished you hadnt been born or for them to slap you? I am just using those 2 things as an example I am not saying that is what your DH is saying to your DS. The point I am trying to make is that physical abuse is not necessarily the worst kind of abuse. It is just a type of abuse.

forevercleaning · 10/05/2008 22:02

can you not explain to him, the damage it is doing to his child. Espesh as he has had a bad childhood himself, he may begin to understand what he is doing to the child.

A very sad situation, as you say, the rest of the time he is lovely and has these outbursts, which IMO he needs to address and get under control. Otherwise, not only does your child suffer, but you are obviously suffering and it will affect the other child too, and that is not a good marriage.

If he cannot seek help to control his anger, he is not worth being married to. And if you did separate, he may well see the error of his ways. Shock tactics can work.