vote on my marriage

[littlegreyrabbit]

Ok - an honest gut reaction needed here please. If you and your dh had damaging arguments where dh was spiteful, aggressive and unfair to you (and brutally unfair and critical to just one of your children) but was a lovely dad for the rest of the time. Would you divorce your dh if this happened...

once every 3 years
once a year
once every 3 months
once a month
once every 3 days
every day

(needless to say wont go to counselling blardy blarr )

x posts,sorry.agree that him having a crap childhood is no excuse for abusing you or the dc in any way atall.

Oh oh OHHHH - The more I read I am very for your DC's and at your DH. My sperm doner was a £$%%^£"£ and it effectedly me greatly - and does even now (28!). Please dont let your kids be subjected to any type of psychological crap

If only it was me saying all these sensible things to somebody else it's just that nothig is ever just so clear cut.

Dh is never ever physically aggressive but very verbally so. Lots of swearing and loud shouting. He doesn't exactly demean or undermine ds1 either - in fact he usually tells him he loves him loads and that he is a fantastic wonderful boy several times a day. It's just when we (dh and I) have an argument he seems to turn it all on to ds1 really aggressively (shouts at him, sends him to his room, tells him he is never ever allowed to play on the computer again because he is throwing it away). This is usually because ds1 is shouting at him 'stop arguing, please don't argue, say sorry to mummy' and dh seems to feel this is somehow undermining his authority or something ridiculous. Ds2 just gets ignored as he cries in a little corner

So, how often do you argue like that? What do you argue about?

forever cleaning I have tried a million f-ing times to talk him into seeing the damage it does.

He tells me he sees, he agrees, he is never ever going to do it again...

If it was only like this I would have left years ago but my (serious) question is just how bad does it have to be before having a dad who lives with you and loves you sometimes is worse than having no dad at home at all

am so sad to read this
I've seen it at home and I hate it

just had complete over reaction, shouting, swearing to the eldest, sent to his room, banned from everything -- so afterwards asked dh to go up and talk to him
he refused and went to bed

I wish I could offer advice.. it's the one thing I would leave my dh over

gut reaction is that I wouldn't have it, it's one thing to be having a go at you regularly, but when he's being 'brutally and unfairly critical' to dc then it becomes much more urgent to sort something out imo. Your loyalty should be with them and they need protecting. If he wants to change, then it sounds like he needs to go to counselling and if he won't then I would seriously consider giving him an ultimatum at least. I know it's easier said than done, but he will be damaging dc's self esteem and sounds like he's in a frightening situation if he's shouting and swearing at him.

not trying to hijack but so sympathetic
how i wish i had the answer

Oh rabbit.Your poor traumatised children.

it is so damaging to self-esteem chunky you are right

it's like a profound and excessive disappointment in just one child, routinely reinforced

Your child crying in the corner, that's heartbreaking. What sort of support do you have outrside of your marriage?

the only thing i've found that makes a difference (this is not advice as I hate doing it) is sucky up talking

he needs you, you're so important to him etc etc

when you want to say grow up and stop taking your shit out on your kid

i really dont see the point in having a dad who lives with you and loves you 'sometimes'. The little fellow wont know where he is with that, all confused wondering what he has done wrong.

There are many good dads who have seperated from the wives and been full on fathers, without the pressure. As you say, these events happen when you and your DH argue, and your little boy bears the brunt of it.

For you to be asking this, I feel perhaps you are already at your decision that it cannot go on, and he has to leave.

plus sex, all to bolster dh self-esteem, so he feels confident enough not to take out his crap on other people

Irecognisethis - you say you would leave dh over. Can I ask why you are still with him? (not in a critical sense at all - you just seem to have the same dilemma as me).

Very much appreciate all views -they all seem to echo my own thoughts at different moments.

but there are the other children to consider

have you told him you are considering leaving?

would the shock be enough for him to look at his behaviour

Yes.. I have considered it. The other children make it not happen.

I have two other children, who are conventionally successful (while ds1 is a bit hopeless and doesn't try and so on)

dh is like yours sounds -- completely inconsistent

loving one minute then turns instantly

a small thing by one of the other kids is treated appropriately
the same thing by ds1 is jumped on like a ton of bricks

Must be very confusing for him to be told he's wonderful one minute and being sworn at the next. Is there somewhere you could go temporarily, perhaps the shock that you're serious about it will bring him to his senses and he'll consider counselling.

sorry am not responding to self there
i was asking rabbit if she had considered threatening to leave at the same time she was asking me

Just a thought. If you separate/divorce, then even if you get residence of your DCs, he will still have contact with them, and although I'm not a family lawyer I would have thought that would involve e.g. them staying with him every other weekend. What's to say he won't be just as horrible to the DC in question then, without you being there to protect him/her? Might it not be better to grit your teeth and stick with it and protect your DCs as best you can?

For a few years now I suppose I have been trying to weigh up the damage done by staying (arguments, fear, trauma, incredibly poor role model for boys growing into young men sometimes but also some happy times, love and laughs on other days) VERSUS the damage done by divorce (pain, blame, the dcs removed from a dad who does love them, dh would probably need to move to another part of the country - loss of contact, finance etc etc etc).

I just really honestly don't know what's right for the dcs.

same, rabbit
with me as with you so far it's come down on staying in the tent
sixspot has a good point

Yes Irecognisethis I have threatened to leave but I don't think he believed me because I probably didn't believe it myself but it is going through my mindame old dilemma though - will it traumatise the kids even more than smoothing over the cracks and putting on a happy face again.

And yes, sixspotburnet has a point. I am afraid to leave ds1 alone with dh as they always argue. If we split up I wont be there between them as peacemaker. It may make it a lot worse for ds1 and ds2 who would probably blame me for leaving dh.

Could you still have a good relationship with your dh if you decided to separate?