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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother is mad!

63 replies

glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 19:01

THis may be long but here we go. My mum who has been living with me for four months now has finally driven me barmy and obviuosly thinks I am mad too but I know it is her!

We had a row this morning and she has written me a letter saying she is moving out (result) but hopes I go to the doctor for help with it whatever it is.

We have always had a fraught relationship and didnt speak for two years before my daughter got born as she told me on Christmas eve one year that she had never wanted me and that she had never much liked me.

She loves my kids but since coming to live with us has called my dd 10 a bitch to her face and my ds 8 a sod and a bastard!

She has always been difficult and is currently not speaking to my brother for no reason at all that anyone can see.

At the moemnt her sister is ill in hospital so she is worried and stressed and visiting her and home only in the morning and late evening.

I am at my wits end I do not want her to stay but hate to think of her in a hotel (she has brought a flat which will be ready in Feb).

Sorry I dont usually moan but life sucks at the moment! My dh is about to go away for two weeks and is home late all the time leaving me with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 19:55

Good thinking tissy. I think she is trying to get me to say stay though!

OP posts:
Tissy · 12/01/2005 19:56

No, enough is enough, you wouldn't dream of putting her through such torture, would you?

Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 19:57

ROFL Tissy. I will tell her though that it will be cheaper to get a bus in and out or a taxi. She will probably be scared stiff!

OP posts:
marinda · 12/01/2005 20:03

Glitterfly - I can totally sympathise - I have my mother living with me - she has money problems (mostly her own bloody fault1) and she moans, groams and is invasive in my life with DH and DS.She is not above emotional blackmail and she has also fell out with my brother who does nothing to help us atall. So driving me mad - also argues with me infront of DS (3.8) AND HE DOES NOT LIKE BEING LEFT WITH HER. Told her she needs to find somewhere else to go !!!

marinda · 12/01/2005 20:03

Sorry- meant glitterfairy !

Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:09

Marinda at least my brother is going to pay for her hotel!

I must say we shoudl have our heads examined taking them in in the first place. I knwo people who have great relationships with their mums and I just hope that I never get like this with my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:10

OOps she is back I suppose I shoudl face her.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:11

I am hiding how pathetic!

OP posts:
JanH · 12/01/2005 20:13

Um - think I would hide too!

Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:13

She is talking in a soothing voice to my kids Still hiding!!!

OP posts:
JanH · 12/01/2005 20:16

I bet they're wishing they had hidden too - soothing voices, aaaaargh.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:17

She is in her room I may go out for some supplies! OOps she has just gone past!

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:25

OK I know what it is now my periods.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:28

Apparently I suffer from PMS! This must be like those moments when someone who smokes sees the government message smoking kills on a packet of cigs. Truly revelatory.

Anyway she has spoken to me now and told me she will move out and I bit the bullet adn said I thought she was being silly but that if she wanted to it would be cheaper if she lived at my Aunts and took cabs!

OP posts:
Beetroot · 12/01/2005 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Beetroot · 12/01/2005 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:30

Yes hse has gone upstairs with a glass of wine and I am on teh computer dealing with my period problems!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 12/01/2005 20:31

She didnt answer she sniffed and went upstairs saying she had spoken to the doctor about Aunty so I said yes I heard her talking to a friend on the phone (my phone) about it!

OP posts:
MrsBigD · 12/01/2005 20:48

glitterfairy... oh boy I can so sympathise with you. My mum's thankfully in Germany! and we get on over the distance, but when she comes visit... a weeks' too long! She loves doing the guilt trip/hotel thing... whenever she calls to ask me when she can come visit I tell her whenever as I don't really have a busy schedule as I'm home with the 2 kids. She takes this as 'we don't really want her here' (well yes, but way too polite to say that . Next thing is... 'oh I can always stay in a hotel if that's more convenient'... yeah right! And I'll never hear the end of it! She doesn't like DH - o.k. language problems don't help much, she doesn't speak English very well and he doesn't speak German. Basically she thinks he's flawed. And she's perfect? Oh and she doesn't know what 'being supportive' or 'tactful' means either but accusing me on a regular basis of being tactless.

Upps got a bit carried away here. sorry! Can you guess I'd just had her on the phone wondering when she can come visit next ...

Tanzie · 12/01/2005 21:29

GF - tell her you went to the doctor, and he said that IT is hereditary, you get it from your Mum and she should go and see him straight away to sort IT out - IT can be serious when you are older...

Piffle · 12/01/2005 21:35

Gosh first thought was how cam my mother be your mother too GF
However details mean instead they must have been separated at birth.
I deal with my mum in a way of sublime indifference. I teach my kids to giggle at her when she rails at them for their heinous bastard name inducing crimes (talking when the radio news is on)
She once said, ahh but you'll miss me when I go...
I had to sit and think about that...
Space is always a good thing, I warm to mine a little when she is not in my space, some women just dominate space and when it is not you being dominant in your own house, it stinks.
Also bonus Feb is not that far away.
xx

MeerkatsUnite · 13/01/2005 08:16

Hi Glitterfairy,

Your Mum certainly has deep seated emotional problems relating to her past but this is her problem to deal with. She either cannot or will not deal with what has happened to her. You cannot and should not take any responsibility for her actions. She is what is known as a "toxic parent".

A lot of children who have either emotionally or phycially abusive relationships with their parents often go on to feel great guilt as adults (like it was the child's fault they behaved the way they did. It is not your fault this all happened - the primary source of blame lies with her) so I was not altogether surprised to see that you don't want to think of her in a hotel. Putting her blame on to you, telling you to go to the docs for IT is just another way of absolving her own responsibility. This is just another way of controlling you.

I would strongly suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward (its available in bookshops and on Amazon) as this may help you decide on what future path you decide to take with your Mum.

Whether you sever all contact with her is only a decision you can yourself make.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 13/01/2005 08:55

THanks everyone. At the moment I am being strong and have said going to a hotel is her decision and up to her. She burst into tears when I said that and I ignored it.

You are right about the guilt thing too. She makes me feel a horrible mix of guilt and anger. Anyway the ignoring trick appears to be working so far. I will buy the book and thanks.

OP posts:
JanH · 13/01/2005 09:08

Well done, gf - hope you can stick to your guns, if she finds she can't manipulate you all any more she might actually start being nicer! She needs attention and fuss, it's like a child, reinforce good behaviour and ignore bad!

Papillon · 13/01/2005 09:28

Set the nanny on her