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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His kids do my head in

31 replies

SummerThyme · 10/05/2008 21:21

I have been denying this even to myself since we moved in together but I have come to the point where I have to admit, his kids do my head in.

Basically we got together about 2 years ago and have lived together for about 6 months. To cut a long story short, his two sons (13 and 18) decided to live with us. I was fine with this at first.

But since then things have deteriorated, his kids are so childish and clingy its more like living with a couple of 5 year olds.

They have to be with us 24/7. He still insists on taking his 13 year old to school, picks him up at home-time etc (all his mates walk and live the same distance) and then all night both his sons insist on sitting with us ALL NIGHT. The 18 year old never goes out unless its with us, if we go out anywhere they "have to" come with us. They have no hobbies apart from playing snooker with their dad twice a week.

I'm just not used to it, my kids are 13 and 15 and they're so different. DS1 goes to karate twice a week, music club once a week and a youth club once a week as well as swimming on a saturday. DS2 goes to army cadets twice a week and youth club once a week or out with his friends.

But his kids are always "there", everytime I turn my back one of them is stood there.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

Remotew · 10/05/2008 21:27

Not much help I'm afraid. I presume that your children also live with you. That's 4 teen boys in the house. Think that may be a stain in itself. You wouldnt be happy if he wasnt comfortable sharing his home with your children so you have to accept his.

I'd have thought that teens may have realised that you need time alone as a couple. Can you arrange one night when everyone goes out and you spend time together.

PinkTulips · 10/05/2008 21:28

did you not notice these things before moving in with him?

doesn't sound ideal tbh but if you didn't notice this behaviour before maybe they're simply behaving like this in reaction to you guys moving in together?

PeaGreene · 10/05/2008 21:30

Can you send them out with your kids? Certainly his 13yr old could go with yours? Would that work?

Original poster

SummerThyme · 10/05/2008 21:36

I should have picked up on the signs before because they were there. He would talk about his 18 year old as if he were 10 years younger than he was, he'd say stuff like "I'm taking the kids to the sea-side at weekend" meaning the 18 year old too and I did find that a bit odd.

Last night for instance my DS1 was at karate, DS2 was at youth club and we had decided on a night in with a DVD, just me and DP. Knowing that his kids are like leeches I made an effort yesterday day time to organise something for them. I said to the 13 year old "why don't you go to youth club with (my DS), you might like it" and he ummed and arred but my DS had the sense to know why we wanted them out and he played a part in encouraging him so he agreed.

I then spoke to the 18 year old and suggested that he go out with friends or something so me and his dad could have a night to ourselves and he got all huffy and said there was nothing for him to do so I got a bit cross and said "other 18 year olds manage to find stuff to do that doesn't involve their parents"

Anyway, night time came, we just put the DVD on and snuggled onto the couch before 18 year old came in, sat down and said "what are we watching?" and then 10 minutes later the younger one came in and sat there going on about how youth club was a bit boring as my DS left him on his own (turns out he'd gone to play football and his DS had refused to join in).

OP posts:

Remotew · 10/05/2008 21:43

I think you need to talk about this. To DH and also to his boys. It is strange when teens are clingy with parents. Its just not what you expect. All the text books talk about them needing their independance etc.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/05/2008 09:52

On a lighter note: get a telly and dvd player for your bedroom, lock the door and let them watch what they want to downstairs. You still don't get your own house to yourself, but at least you'll reclaim some personal space. They may be feeling insecure, but they don't need to actually be in the same room as you 24 hours a day.

lazarou · 11/05/2008 09:55

Has the 18 year old got a girlfriend?

colditz · 11/05/2008 09:56

You know, I was about to blast you, but at their age their behavior does sound a little odd.

Lock yourselves in your bedroom after a certain time at night. My friend's parents used to do that - they went to bed at 8pm, every night. We had the run of the house .... but they wer Not To Be Disturbed! Their kids were 13 and 16 at the time, and it worked well.

lazarou · 11/05/2008 09:57

It sounds lovely to me. They just want to be at home with the 'faaaaaamily'

themoon66 · 11/05/2008 10:00

They sound like the sort of kids whose parents have always laid on entertainment and amused them and they still expect this. No answers really and I feel very sorry for you. Hopefully they will get girlfriends who want taking out soon

No19 · 11/05/2008 10:03

I don't know much anything about teenagers but is it possible they are a bit tender and clingy after their parents split up? Or perhaps this was a long time ago. Or maybe they need reassurance that they are still special to their dad in the midst of a new family. I can see that this might be stretching it a bit for the 18 yo but for the younger boy might be the case. I'd imagine it would be easier to ease them away rather than trying to shoo them out of the house. Do you ever get a chance to go away for a weekend with your DP? Or have you already discussed it with him?

No19 · 11/05/2008 10:03

Sorry I should have said YANBU but it will need very sensitive handling.

ellingwoman · 11/05/2008 10:04

They are obviously feeling insecure. You need to work on this slowly. By telling the 18 to go effectively go away you are going to make him feel worse! They need to feel that both of you aren't going to disappear or not want them around.

Would you feel the same if they were your children btw? I would hate my teenagers to feel they had to go out or stay in their rooms because they weren't made to feel welcome in their own living room

windygalestoday · 11/05/2008 10:05

you wont like this but what life had they had before?

if their dad your dp finds it acceptable to be with the children(even the 18 yrold) all the time and they enjoy his company then thats wht they will do.

i think therr must be underlying reasons why the boys are so clingy to their dad .
at 18 you would expect a hint of a social life.

to be fair you came into this relationship whilst those children were already there its you that has to bend.

i agree your ds have a more'normal' social life maybe there upbring with you has been v different?.

maybe they are struggling to find their 'place' in this new family unit? just because they like you and your children doesnt mean they are ready to just slot in and follow suit.

Also if my dh and i pln to do anything together you can bet your life one of our 3 ds will want to be involved too thats why you have to be more spontaneous and 'make' a time for yourselves not excluding the children just picking your time.
with their being 4 teens in the house i think youll find it v tricky to experience those days of sexy lustfilled togethrness of course if you are just holding hands watching a dvd thres 4 teens in the home so you just get on with it had thy lways lived with you they would see it all the time.

He was their dad before he was your dp,sorry to be harsh.

aGalChangedHerName · 11/05/2008 10:06

If they really don't want to be out then i wouldn't force them. I would make them be in their bedrooms after a certain time in the evening so you can have some time alone.

I do this with my own dc. My dd's go to bed at 7.30 and on the weekend my dh and i generally ask the ds's to give us a bit of peace in the evening on either Friday or Saturday. One evening we spend as a family but there is nothing wrong with kicking them upstairs occasionally!!

micci25 · 11/05/2008 10:07

when did their your dp and thier mum seperate? could be a reaction to that, or maybe that they feel they are losing thier dad to you and and your ds's?

i think you should explain to them that although you love them and love having them living with you, you would like to spend some time alone with your dp and maybe agree one night a week where either they or you go out alone and ask them if they have any worries or corncerns about being part of your family?

MeMySonAndI · 11/05/2008 10:09

YOu have to get their father involved in creating some space for you two. While his father is OK with having them around all the time there's not much you can do.

If you encourage them to give you space they can feel rejected. It has to be the dad who starts breaking the umbilical cord IYWIM.

No19 · 11/05/2008 10:12

Could the two of you go out to dinner and a film to get a bit of space and romance? But that way the kids don't feel they've been given the boot to make space. I mean I know it's your house etc but it's probably a lot harder for them to deal with having to go out than for the two of you. It's probably very important for them to be able to feel that home is home, a safe space, where they can retreat.

Saturn74 · 11/05/2008 10:17

If chance is needed, your DP will have to be the one to instigate it with his children.

Is he happy to spend most of his leisure time with his children?

If so, you may have difficulty convincing him to make changes, without it looking like you are jealous of his children.

If I were in your situation, I would go out more on my own with DP.

Long walks in the evening, popping down to the pub, that sort of thing.

Leave the children in to do whatever they like to do - it may inspire them to get some hobbies.

Sounds like your DP has a great relationship with his sons - where is their mother in this equation?

Saturn74 · 11/05/2008 10:18

change, not chance

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/05/2008 10:58

Sounds like they are both shy and insecure. Maybe the 18 YO literally has no mates? I feel sorry for them for this reason - they need bringing out of themselves. Was good of your DS to take his to the youth club but just because they are the same age doesn't mean they will be mates...how come yours do so many activities and his don't? Could you talk to DH about trying to find a hobby for them? younger could find his own sport/martial art/whatever, and older, what about guitar/drum lessons? DH needs to recognise that there is something missing in their social lives.
On a practical note, 'adult time' in the bedroom (ooer, not that necessarily!) is a good idea. They may be feeling pushed ouyt by you but TBH that's DH's problem to sort out with them - does he ever talk to them about it?

KerryMum · 11/05/2008 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum · 11/05/2008 11:21

It sounds like your DP has a good relationship with his children and that you are a little jealous of it. Understandable i suppose, but just because they are older it doesnt meant that they should no longer have this. Maybe you could focus on doing things as a whole family, and stop refering to them as leeches, im sure your DP would be thrilled to hear that . I do sympathise, my 17yo DD has left home but she lives with her BF and she is aware that he is probably not "the one" she is enjoying her independance - only to the extent that he lives with his parents so not having to be a proper grown up yet. If i am totally honest, i wont be exactly thrilled when she comes back, sulky teenager being "just there" when we want to make the most of our time alone (we have a 2yo too so this is very limited). We will find our way.

I think you are treading very thin ice, you have not mentioned how your DP feels about this - because if it is just your feelings, dont expect him to put that before his relationship with his children anytime soon, you might be disappointed.

It sounds like they have confidence issues, doing things as a family is a good way of getting that sorted - do stuff together - it might help you enjoy their company more, they might feel more secure and things will pan out.

Im not criticising, because if i could maybe have my time with DD1 over again, i would do alot of the things ive advised above. Then we might have a better relationship.

lucyellensmum · 11/05/2008 11:23

kerry, thats a bit harsh lovvie - you dont mince your words do you

KerryMum · 11/05/2008 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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