His kids do my head in

[SummerThyme]

I have been denying this even to myself since we moved in together but I have come to the point where I have to admit, his kids do my head in.

Basically we got together about 2 years ago and have lived together for about 6 months. To cut a long story short, his two sons (13 and 18) decided to live with us. I was fine with this at first.

But since then things have deteriorated, his kids are so childish and clingy its more like living with a couple of 5 year olds.

They have to be with us 24/7. He still insists on taking his 13 year old to school, picks him up at home-time etc (all his mates walk and live the same distance) and then all night both his sons insist on sitting with us ALL NIGHT. The 18 year old never goes out unless its with us, if we go out anywhere they "have to" come with us. They have no hobbies apart from playing snooker with their dad twice a week.

I'm just not used to it, my kids are 13 and 15 and they're so different. DS1 goes to karate twice a week, music club once a week and a youth club once a week as well as swimming on a saturday. DS2 goes to army cadets twice a week and youth club once a week or out with his friends.

But his kids are always "there", everytime I turn my back one of them is stood there.

Am I being unreasonable??

I hope that my children grow up to be teenagers who want to spend a lot of time with me. Not entirely serious that remark. But isn't this sort of problem commonplace with - what's the phrase - blended families. Your children are one way, his another. And now you're trying to make them work as a whole. No suggestions really but I'm sure someone with step parenting experience will be able to help.

How does your dp feel about how they are? I think if he is alright with it or encouraging it then you have to consider the possibility that they may always be infantilised by him. If you find it annoying now, how might you feel in 10 or 20 years if one or both are still living with you?

I do think it's your dp you need to work on rather than his kids. Can you gently hint that he sould be encouraging their independence. Try and do it subtly so that he thinks it's his idea. Part of a parent's job is to prepare a child to be an independent adult.

It could be worse though, at least it doesn't sound as if they are being rude or disrespectful or wild.

I do understand how stifling you must feel. Even my own kids go off to their own rooms later on in the evening to watch dvds etc so we can ALL have some 'me' time. I think it's important that kids spend time alone just to 'be' without constant company and the need to be around others.

However, I felt sad when I read this bit :

"he'd say stuff like "I'm taking the kids to the sea-side at weekend" meaning the 18 year old too and I did find that a bit odd."

I think it's nice that the 18 year old still wants to go to the seaside! They sound like decent kids who have just lost their way and need a little help?

Summerthyme - how much did they see thier dad before they moved in?
What was the divorce like?
Maybe they just need to "catch up" on lost time with him?
What is their mother like?

Also, I think YOU need to extend a helping hand to these kids. They do sound like they need to be gently helped into finding their feet.

I would disregard their age, and address their emotional needs.
Yes it may be hard, but it could be what they need to go on a live a healthy life..

Good luck

I have young sons so do get time with DH in the evening but a woman I worked with had a rule in her house that at 9pm the kids (4 of them, 2 hers and 2 theirs together) had to vacate the lounge and go to their rooms.

The kids all had stuff to play with in their rooms and it encouraged them to spend time together as siblings, play games together etc and gave my work colleague time with her husband.

I think you need to have "family" nights determined on a set night and then nights where you get time with Dp. Also family outings whether it be a walk to the park or whatever and then time where you and Dp leave the house and do stuff too.

Good luck. Blended families can be really hard. At the end of the day they didn't choose you just like you didn't choose them but compromise has to be made on both sides.

Apart from wanting to spend so much time with their Dad, are they independent?

An 18 year old, you would expect to be fairly independent as they are legally an adult. Are they mature and just enjoy spending time with their Dad? Or are they very immature and don't spend any times with their friends as they don't have any? in other words do they "cling" as they have no choice?