How and when do you start the baby chat

[stargazin]

When I first met BF we had a chat about whether we wanted kids, just to make sure we were on the same page and not wasting our time. My question is how do you bring it up again later on without spooking someone and how do these chats go?

I don't think we're ready yet, but I do want to know he hasn't changed his mind, but I don't want him to think I am moving to fast or put him under pressure.

How long have you been together?

Just some questions: how old are you both, and how long have you been together?

Agree these questions are really important and would impact my response.

At 20- no rush, no need to push on with timelines.

At 35+, if kids are vitally important, then you do need to be thinking timescales really.

A year, so not very long. But I'm 38 and he's 42, so that's why it feels like such a high pressure conversation. I don't want him to think its BABY NOW, but I don't have any more time left to not know where I stand

When you initially spoke about children did you speak about wanting them before a certain age, or was it just a “yeah I fancy having kids one day, do you?”

Tbh at 38 I think there is some urgency to the conversation.
If you want a baby you need to know if this guy is onboard. Don't worry about spooking him.

One thing I would say is that wanting children as an abstract “yeah definitely one day” can be very different to being ready to have one when it comes to it. I was that person in my own relationship. My husband & I always agreed we wanted children, we made a plan together about when we’d start trying, things we’d get done first (wedding, buy a house etc), I was totally happy and excited counting down to when we could start trying.

When the day came and everything was done though, I was terrified and realised I honestly was not ready to start trying, despite having been so excited counting down the months, I never expected to feel that way. I know on here you see a lot of the “future faking” comments and I know that does happen but it can also just be that how you feel about the idea of something at some point in the future is very different to the way you feel when confronted with it right now today.

We waited until I was absolutely ready and now have a daughter, no regrets at all, but I do appreciate that when you’re slightly older you don’t always have the fortune of being able to wait it out.

It is a difficult one though because a year really isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things to know this is the person you want a child with, but appreciate age plays a factor in decisions.

We spoke about how we both wanted kids, but how various circumstances for both of us meant it hadn't happened. We had both reconciled ourselves to the fact that it might not happen for either of us, but we would be delighted if we managed to find someone within time and it could happen.

I was clear that I didn't want to be with just anyone to have kids, that I wanted an established relationship first.

I am worried about spooking him, because I know kids are unlikely for me now and would rather be with him than him think its a deal breaker and end it. I dont want have to start again, because I dont think I have time to find someone else, date, establish a relationship and then try for a baby that probably wont happen.

This isn't like he's been stringing me along for years, we're still finding our feet

I had a baby in my 40’s so kids aren’t
def, “unlikely” but you do have to get a wriggle on if you want to have them. I would just be honest with him and say that you’d like to have a baby and but that it’s not a deal breaker if you don’t. However, what will you do if he decides in 5 years that he does want to be a dad and leaves for a women who can give him a baby? Men don’t have to rush but women have a ticking clock.

I mean... literally just say this to him. It's a rational, well thought out position, nothing remotely unreasonable. If he gets spooked at that then he is probably not a great life partner for you. (By the same token, feeling comfortable to communicate what you want honestly is kind of a non-negotiable bedrock of a healthy relationship.)

I think if a relationship were ready for children, there would be no concerns about potential spooking.

I think at your respective ages, a year is aperfectly reasonable time frame to bring it up again. I think the question you need to be very clear in your own head though, before you bring it up, is: are you certain this is the man for you and the man you want to have children with. Because whatever happens, that probably neesd to be the first thing you are certain of. If you are, then he more or less needs to answer the same question.

The timing then becomes step 2.

But the relationship is not ready for children, that's the point. I'm not ready and don't want him to think I am. I just am starting to feel hopeful again that actually I might have a chance, and don't want to undo something I had come to terms with if it isn't going to happen.

I think a conversation about how you both see your future is worth having now. It’s better to spook him now than to wait until you’re ready only to find out he isn’t on the same page.

I think a year in if you two really are serious about each other and building life together revisiting the subject of children shouldn't be an issue. If at his age he is spooked about you asking him then that tells you what you need to know.
I met my now DH at 37 (he was 38) and we discussed kids during our first phone call as in do we want them and before we had even been intimate a month or so later we were talking about how to raise kids. A bit later we talked about how many kids we would like etc. so the topic was there as a natural part of our journey from the beginning. By the time we actually had a success pregnancy and I gave birth I was 41. As you are already 38 I do think you need to be on top of important conversations different way than in your early 20s when you still likely have much more time to get pregnant.

Do you have any nieces or nephews you could take for a day out? It makes having kids seem a bit less hypothetical when you’re out with a kid at the same time. Then you could make some casual comments like ‘it’d be tiring doing this all the time, fun though’ and see what sort of reply you get. Although I do totally agree with the other comments that if he gets too spooked and can’t have a conversation about it, he’s probably not your ideal partner.

I'd have a conversation now. It doesn't have to be "the" conversation, just an update on how your both doing.
You could say that you know you're not in the right place now, but being together has made you hopeful about the possibility of having a child in the future, and you wondered if he was still interested in having a child in the future, with you if things continue to go well.

I agree with @Olika and my timetable was more or less the same - met bf at 37, engaged 39, married 40, baby at 41.

We did discuss this early on before the relationship was ready for kids but to ensure we both regularly checked in with each other and didn't change our minds about what we wanted / where things were going without the other being in the loop. We also both had a private fertility assessment just to ensure there were no unknown issues we were dealing with.

Being open and having scary vulnerable conversations is part of getting closer together as a couple and growing together, and if you're seriously considering having a family with this man then you have to be able to do this. If you can't or he won't then you're not right for each other.

I would just approach is as 'when do you think we'd be ready?'
Not in terms of putting a strict date on it but what would we want to do first. I was living with my partner, not wanting to get married but for us it was one 'big trip'.

At your ages and together a year it’s kind of a now or never sort of thing isn’t it?
I think I’d be bringing up the conversation of did he definitely still want children, and what you need to achieve personally, and in the relationship for you to be ready. Do you two want to buy a house or get married first? Do you live together? Need to save x amount for mat leave/discuss combined finances etc?

I think you need to work backwards, so if you want to start trying for kids before you're 40 for example, then you would want to be engaged within the next 12 months, or be living together within the next 12 months etc (whatever it is that you would need to feel comfortable starting to try) so maybe approach the conversation on that basis. Sometimes men don't realise the time it takes, it's likely not 'wake up one day and instantly make a baby' at your age. I met my DH when I was 38, he wanted kids more than I did but he also had no idea of the time it would take and the process involved if IVF was needed (which we did in the end to speed things up as I was 41 when we were ready to start trying). After a year you should definitely have the conversation, at least to ask where he sees the relationship in 12 months time. Decent guys won't be scared off by that, especially if you do it in a non-ultimatum kind of way.

Do you live together?

Well, what would the outcome be if he said yes/ if he said no? If he said no, would you leave?

If not then there is no actual outcome to the conversation, and no advantage to having it NOW.

If you'll be staying with him anyway, then you could reasonably wait until you are ready to start trying.

It's only if you would actually consider leaving if he said no that you need to start the conversation before you're ready.

But tbh at 38, the reality is that your fertility is declining - in your shoes if you do want children then you shouldn't wait long before trying. It could take years if you need fertility treatment. We took 5 years to conceive and I was 31 when I started. If the same happens to you, you'd be 43/44 when you have a baby, even if you start now.

If he said no then I wouldn't leave. I think he is brilliant and I love him. I can't see at my age I am going to get out of a relationship, have time to heal, meet someone new, get through a decent time frame and then start thinking about having kids again. Its not going to happen.

I had come to peace with the fact that I wasn't going to have my chance, I am starting to hope again. If its a no and rather than starting to hope again he is starting to believe we are too old (or whatever reason) I'd rather know so I dont get my hopes up and then have to work through the pain again

You definitely have time to meet someone else if needs be. Don’t write yourself off.

You might look back in 5+ years and think I was still some young to settle.