How and when do you start the baby chat

[stargazin]

When I first met BF we had a chat about whether we wanted kids, just to make sure we were on the same page and not wasting our time. My question is how do you bring it up again later on without spooking someone and how do these chats go?

I don't think we're ready yet, but I do want to know he hasn't changed his mind, but I don't want him to think I am moving to fast or put him under pressure.

There's a mindset that people either feel ready or not ready for a baby. The perfect time just doesn't exist!

You have to take a risk. In your case I'd think about coming off contraception very soon. Use condoms for a bit if needed but I think you should just see what happens.

A year is fine. Just say you want to come off the pill.

I think given your updates it's OK to have the conversation now - he sounds like he has his head screwed on regarding this, and I'd say it's very unlikely to scare him. I dare say he's expecting it somewhat

But if an open conversation about how you feel will spook him, he's not the right person to have children. It's not like you're 28, this is something you can and should be talking about if you see children in your future (I got pregnant at 40, so I'm not saying you're 'too old', but you need to be mindful of your age)

I think just bring it up over a glass of wine/beer and ask him outright if he still wants children and what timeframe he was thinking of if so. I don't think it would spook him, and also I think you just need to know. It's two adults and you aren't demanding a baby right now.

It could take a while or it could be very quick, it's so individual. I had just stopped breastfeeding at 38 and had sex maybe once over the middle of my cycle and got pregnant. Friends of a similar age took just a few months.

But it might be a good idea to start sooner rather than later if you would really like a baby. And don't feel embarrassed to ask. I think it's a very normal discussion when meeting people later thirties / early forties - the timeframe has to move up

@stargazin did you go for the chat with your boyfriend?

Not yet, there wasn't been the right time over the weekend. I am quite nervous though, even with the sense spoken here

I am worried about spooking him

Oh honestly, he's a grown man not a baby deer. You're in a serious relationship with him, of course you should be able to raise an issue with him without feeling like you need to tiptoe around him.

The nerves aren't a good sign OP. You should feel strength in yourself, and honesty enough between you to raise issues without secrecy. You've been holding this inside and keeping your true feeling from him / not being authentic for fear of rejection but that's not a healthy adult way to be in a relationship. He's supposed to love all of you - at least if there's a hope you will share a family together. Being parents is hard enough without hiding your true selves from each other.

When my OH and I met, I was 36 and he was 47. We met online and we'd both had on our profiles that we wanted children, we were both specifically looking for someone to start a family. He brought it up on one of our very early dates, checking that it was what I wanted and how certain I was. In each other's relationship history it was clear that it was a priority for us both and that it hadn't worked out for us and that we were both sad/fearful about that. There was a sort of implicit understanding as we fell in love and started a serious relationship that we were moving in the same direction. He would then bring it up every couple of months, quite directly - you still feel the same about having a family, don't you? - I think because he wanted the reassurance with his age and experiences, I didn't mind at all or feel spooked with how directly he handled it very early on, in fact it was so refreshing after encountering so many blokes dating in my 30s that were terrified of settling down. After moving in together, we then had a much more focussed, let's TTC this year conversation one New Year. About 3 years into our relationship, I came off the pill and we started trying properly - it took about six months. We now have a toddler who is the light of our lives and makes us happy and fulfilled in all the ways we'd each hoped.

So if I were you I'd bring it up directly but still in the hypothetical - not 'do you want a baby immediately' but 'are we still on the same page about this really important issue'? I hope it goes well.

Sorry it was 2 years in, not 3. She was born when I was 39.