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Original poster

Boyfriend left during dad's accident and now struggling.

36 replies

DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 09:31

My partner and I were together 3 years. Things wernt great. My dad was in an accident and broke his back. Whilst in resus, my bf left.

A few days my mother was found dead. She was highly abusive but it still stirred up huge feelings I can't explain. The only person I wanted, was him. I phoned him, he came and stayed for half hour and then left. Said he didn't love me enough. He text me the next day and said he wasn't spending Christmas (last) me with anymore. He was too tired and busy to see me again etc.

As you can imagine, I was in complete shock during the time. It was a double whammy, my mother, losing him, my dad. I thought I was going mad. I was so close to his family too and they were still messaging me but they think he is wonderful. I just snapped. I just knew to cope then, I had to block them all as much as I loved them and try and drag myself through. So I did. I was having my own counselling due to child a*e and she helped me a lot.

Fast forward a few months, he realised he panicked. We've been having relationship counselling for the past 6 months. They've helped him see he's massively avoidant due to his own trauma, which I've always known. He's massively changing, things are so much better in our relationship.

However, I don't think he's told his family why I blocked them. As in, that he left during my dad's accident, walked out the night my mum died. They just think I randomly blocked them and I'm crazy. And now don't like me, whereas they used to love me.

We've been back together 5 months. He's having a day out for his birthday with them all today. I'm not invited. I always would have been. He mentioned they are all going to a wine tasting weekend for his sisters birthday in June, he didn't invite me. His sister invited me to everything before.

At this point, we are nearly four years down the line. I didn't do anything wrong, only in the sense I just didn't know how else to cope at the time. I don't want to force myself to be invited if I'm not welcome but equally, I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm on the outside.

Help?

OP posts:
FancyRedRobin · 26/02/2025 09:35

He broke it, he fixes it. In your next counseling session ask him to tell his family what happened and his role in it. His response will be interesting.
I'm not sure this guy is for you, but you know best . As someone who has been through what you've been through, you have to be careful with your boundaries and that you recognize red flags.
You sound tremendously strong, a survivor.

Tumbleweed44 · 26/02/2025 09:36

He doesn’t want you in his life only in his bed.

Move on.

Notagainx · 26/02/2025 09:37

Yes I was going to say, it is on him to sort things out with his family so that you get invited etc. However based on what you say I would not entirely trust him.

Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 09:42

FancyRedRobin · 26/02/2025 09:35

He broke it, he fixes it. In your next counseling session ask him to tell his family what happened and his role in it. His response will be interesting.
I'm not sure this guy is for you, but you know best . As someone who has been through what you've been through, you have to be careful with your boundaries and that you recognize red flags.
You sound tremendously strong, a survivor.

Thank you. They have been teaching me about boundaries the last year. I only would allow him back with relationship counselling. I keep getting confused if I'm wanting too much by wanting to be included in his family stuff. But I was before. But then I think no, I want that for me. I want a bf who would want me there with him and would stick up for me being there. That's what I keep telling myself. Its so hard when it's not natural.

OP posts:
Duckyfondant · 26/02/2025 09:42

You would have hurt his family when they hadn't done anything wrong. If you really want the relationship (why?) then you should explain and apologise.

Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 09:45

Duckyfondant · 26/02/2025 09:42

You would have hurt his family when they hadn't done anything wrong. If you really want the relationship (why?) then you should explain and apologise.

I've thought about doing this but by doing this I have to explain what he did and they are very protective of him. Put him on a pedestal kind of thing. I think they will think badly of me by trying to explain why. Like bad mouthing him when it's the complete truth and he knows that.

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 26/02/2025 09:52

You have wasted four years of your life with him.

Relationships should be this difficult.

He wasn't there when you needed him and now is allowing his family to resent/dislike you because he won't admit you did nothing wrong.

The money that's being spent on con selling should be spent on giddy days out, full of love and enjoyment.

Instead you're picking over the pieces of aa troubled relationship every day which is only serving to make excuses for past bad behaviour.

Let him go.

Chuchoter · 26/02/2025 09:53

Should NOT ^

smallchange · 26/02/2025 09:55

DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 09:45

I've thought about doing this but by doing this I have to explain what he did and they are very protective of him. Put him on a pedestal kind of thing. I think they will think badly of me by trying to explain why. Like bad mouthing him when it's the complete truth and he knows that.

Show quote history

If he's avoidant in bad situations then I struggle to believe that this will be a surprise to them.

You could word it fairly neutrally along the lines of: you had a lot on your plate due to father's rehab and mother's death, this affected your relationship with X as it wasn't something he felt he had the capacity to support you with and you broke up, at that point you felt the only way you could cope was to block him and his family even though family members had been nothing but supportive of you, your sorry if this gave the impression that you didn't care about them and hope you can rebuild your previously good relationship with them.

BlondiePortz · 26/02/2025 09:58

Just move on, I don't know why you like the drama but it is not healthy

RandomMess · 26/02/2025 10:02

He's still being avoidant.

Avoiding speaking to his family openly and honestly.

Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 10:07

smallchange · 26/02/2025 09:55

If he's avoidant in bad situations then I struggle to believe that this will be a surprise to them.

You could word it fairly neutrally along the lines of: you had a lot on your plate due to father's rehab and mother's death, this affected your relationship with X as it wasn't something he felt he had the capacity to support you with and you broke up, at that point you felt the only way you could cope was to block him and his family even though family members had been nothing but supportive of you, your sorry if this gave the impression that you didn't care about them and hope you can rebuild your previously good relationship with them.

Show quote history

That's a really good way of putting it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 10:08

RandomMess · 26/02/2025 10:02

He's still being avoidant.

Avoiding speaking to his family openly and honestly.

Yes, I believe he is.

OP posts:
YoYoFlo · 26/02/2025 10:08

As a Pp said, he's being avoidant and not taking responsibility.

He needs to discuss with his counsellor how he's going to tell his family that you blocked them as a self preservation measure- because he walked out on you and let you down when you needed him most.

It's not for you to explain this to them.

Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 10:10

Chuchoter · 26/02/2025 09:52

You have wasted four years of your life with him.

Relationships should be this difficult.

He wasn't there when you needed him and now is allowing his family to resent/dislike you because he won't admit you did nothing wrong.

The money that's being spent on con selling should be spent on giddy days out, full of love and enjoyment.

Instead you're picking over the pieces of aa troubled relationship every day which is only serving to make excuses for past bad behaviour.

Let him go.

Yes, maybe youre right. I find it really difficult. I never get close to people due to my childhood. He's the only one I've ever allowed in. It's difficult to let that go for me. Its not like I do this a lot. Its not easy for me think I will just find someone else, as I know it's not something I can do. I know that's not a reason to stay logically.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 10:15

YoYoFlo · 26/02/2025 10:08

As a Pp said, he's being avoidant and not taking responsibility.

He needs to discuss with his counsellor how he's going to tell his family that you blocked them as a self preservation measure- because he walked out on you and let you down when you needed him most.

It's not for you to explain this to them.

I think you're right. I think the bit I'm struggling with is that am I asking too much by wanting to be included? Is that too much to ask basically.

OP posts:
DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 10:25

Part of his acknowledgment of why he did what he did needs to be to explain to his family. Or agree that you do.

If he doesn’t, how deep and sincere is his commitment to rebuilding?

And assuming that his family are now unblocked, why are they maintaining feud conditions? Why are they not accepting and supporting his relationship choices? All you did was not communicate at a time he was separated from you. Their grudge is an issue, and sounds toxic.

Honestly, unless he tells them, and unless they accept, this continues to be an emotionally unsafe relationship for you.

IMO.

wp65 · 26/02/2025 10:27

DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 10:25

Part of his acknowledgment of why he did what he did needs to be to explain to his family. Or agree that you do.

If he doesn’t, how deep and sincere is his commitment to rebuilding?

And assuming that his family are now unblocked, why are they maintaining feud conditions? Why are they not accepting and supporting his relationship choices? All you did was not communicate at a time he was separated from you. Their grudge is an issue, and sounds toxic.

Honestly, unless he tells them, and unless they accept, this continues to be an emotionally unsafe relationship for you.

IMO.

I agree with this. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, OP. I think you deserve more than this cowardly, selfish man. And I know it’s hard being alone, and it might take you a while to find someone else, but being with someone who doesn’t have your back will slowly grind you down. You will start to feel like you don’t matter. And you DO matter - a lot.

DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 10:28

DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 10:07

That's a really good way of putting it. Thank you.

Show quote history

I read that as if it was your choice to ditch him and that he was the abandoned party.

You shouldn’t be apologising to his family.

Explain yes.

Whatever his reasons what he did was brutal.

DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 10:32

DaisyLou33 · 26/02/2025 10:15

I think you're right. I think the bit I'm struggling with is that am I asking too much by wanting to be included? Is that too much to ask basically.

Show quote history

It is not too much to ask.

And he should be insisting you be included.

You are not ‘not being included’ you are being actively excluded

You deserve a lot more.

You are still grieving your Mum. Heaven knows how things are with your Dad. You should be getting loyalty and support. This is still all about him!

Ihadenough22 · 26/02/2025 11:33

I think that this may have been the 1st time that something difficult for you and hard to deal with happened in your relationship. When you need him after your father's accident he left you to deal with things on your own. Then your mother sudden death was a hard for you also.
You getting relationship counselling but it seems to be about him and the things that happened in his past.

I think after 4 years of being with someone he should have been there for you when this happened and when your mother died. The truth I think is that your with a weak and selfish man. If your in a relationship you there for the good and bad times for each other. Their has to be gave and take. You both need to be willing to step up in difficult times and support your other half.

After the way he treated you I would end things with him. His behaviour towards you was horrible and then implying that it was all your fault to his family when you blocked him. He is not willing to grow up and take some responsibility for his actions.

I have a lot of friends that are now married and have kid's. It was during a few hard times early on in their relationships that made my friends see that there oh was a good man or a good woman. They end relationships when there previous other half behaved poorly, offered them no support during a difficult time, lied to them or cheated on them.
They went on to meet a better people who were willing to work on a relationship and be there for the bad or hard times as well as the good.
You deserve better than a man like this one.

Original poster
DaisyLou33 · 27/02/2025 07:19

DeepFatFried · 26/02/2025 10:32

It is not too much to ask.

And he should be insisting you be included.

You are not ‘not being included’ you are being actively excluded

You deserve a lot more.

You are still grieving your Mum. Heaven knows how things are with your Dad. You should be getting loyalty and support. This is still all about him!

Show quote history

He said he hasn't seen his family for me to be invited to when I had it out with him last night. But they literally all drove 2 hours down for the day, yesterday. So, I'm not sure what he called that day.

And he was supposed to arrange a meal with his friend and wife as the counsellor said a month ago and he hasn't. He got out of that too.

He can walk now luckily for him but I made the decision 5 months ago to step away due to some historic child stuff. There's been a lot of loss this year. Bad year but also trying to look at it as a time for new beginnings, positivity, healing.

OP posts:
MiserableMrsMopp · 27/02/2025 07:23

He left you at the worst time in your life. I had an ex like this. Would never support me when times were hard, but wanted support himself. It's pure selfishness. He's an ex for a reason.

Justsayit123 · 27/02/2025 07:40

if he loved you, he would have supported you, been there for you, cared for you. He left you. It’s literally a big FU. Why would you get back with him. Tell his family what happened, tell him to jog on.

BlondiePortz · 27/02/2025 08:07

Why are you so desperate to keep someone not interested? I am not going to dress it to make it look 'pretty' he is not interested so move on and work on improving your self respect