Boyfriend left during dad's accident and now struggling.

[DaisyLou33]

My partner and I were together 3 years. Things wernt great. My dad was in an accident and broke his back. Whilst in resus, my bf left.

A few days my mother was found dead. She was highly abusive but it still stirred up huge feelings I can't explain. The only person I wanted, was him. I phoned him, he came and stayed for half hour and then left. Said he didn't love me enough. He text me the next day and said he wasn't spending Christmas (last) me with anymore. He was too tired and busy to see me again etc.

As you can imagine, I was in complete shock during the time. It was a double whammy, my mother, losing him, my dad. I thought I was going mad. I was so close to his family too and they were still messaging me but they think he is wonderful. I just snapped. I just knew to cope then, I had to block them all as much as I loved them and try and drag myself through. So I did. I was having my own counselling due to child a*e and she helped me a lot.

Fast forward a few months, he realised he panicked. We've been having relationship counselling for the past 6 months. They've helped him see he's massively avoidant due to his own trauma, which I've always known. He's massively changing, things are so much better in our relationship.

However, I don't think he's told his family why I blocked them. As in, that he left during my dad's accident, walked out the night my mum died. They just think I randomly blocked them and I'm crazy. And now don't like me, whereas they used to love me.

We've been back together 5 months. He's having a day out for his birthday with them all today. I'm not invited. I always would have been. He mentioned they are all going to a wine tasting weekend for his sisters birthday in June, he didn't invite me. His sister invited me to everything before.

At this point, we are nearly four years down the line. I didn't do anything wrong, only in the sense I just didn't know how else to cope at the time. I don't want to force myself to be invited if I'm not welcome but equally, I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm on the outside.

Help?

Dump him and don't look back.

He was not there for you while you were having such a traumatic time, that's all you need to know.

Are you sure he's with you, in the eyes of everyone else?
His family aren't inviting you to things, he hasn't arranged dinner with a friend.
Are people aware you are a couple again?

(You can do much better than him and this situation)

So he has a family with whom he is close, you have lost your Mum and your Dad is not a person you can have in your life because of his behaviour towards you.

You are being expected to make all the compromises and sacrifices in this relationship. Understand why he left you so brutally at such a moment. Support him in therapy to address his issues, wait while he watches his family exclude you without doing a thing to protect you.

It was worth a try to give this a second chance, brave, generous and open hearted.

Maybe it was too soon in his process. Because he hasn’t shown that he has done anything at all in conquering his avoidance.

And while you are focussing on healing and building the positive, he is ripping you down again.

You deserve a lot more.

I think on one side you need work on boundaries and you're doing that, but on the other you need to raise your standards for expectations. With an abuse history, people can accept the unacceptable or the bare minimum or even less than the bare minimum.
The more I read the more I think this guy is not for you. The things he lacks, you need plenty of, so there's always going to be a mismatch. Perhaps you were drawn to his vulnerability or perhaps you sought what was familiar, an avoidant person. Either way you have to ask yourself if he can ever give you what you need.

It's worth you reading on attachment styles, this really affects our choice of partner.
Being aware of and working on this will help you.

Yes, they have said I am FA but lean dismissive myself normally and have stayed alone and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD because of child Ab**e. I think because he's so heavily avoidant, I felt okay to be with him. He doesnt appear vulnerable, he thinks he had a perfect childhood, etc. No trauma but his dad is clearly emotionally unstable, enmeshed family. I think I used to exhibit a lot of co-dependent behaviour and protest behaviour which I am now really working on. I realise it is not place to try and heal him and I can only work on myself and become stronger and advocate for my needs.

This 💯

When people show you who they are, believe them.

He did. He walked away when you were in distress.

Sounds like you are doing lots of good work on yourself. Don't allow someone derail the progress you are making.
As you progress through this understanding of yourself I think it was fairly likely you would outgrow him anyway.
Why give him the power in this situation, exert your own.

I have said its a simple choice, either ring your friend and arrange this meal and also tell your family I'm part of your life and you want me to be invited to things. Or this ends. It's all it boils down to and if you can't, then that is the choice you are making.

It feels so strange doing things like that but I have to keep imagining the life that I want and am aiming for now all the badness has gone.

OP, you deserve so much better than this selfish loser.

You have wasted 4 years on him.
No way does he love you as you deserve.
Forget his family and forget him.

He's not worth your effort.
I'm so sorry life has been so hard.

Don't continue on this road with a selfish loser.
He's not worth it and you deserve so much better.

He's not a project for you to fix.
You should never have allowed him back in.

Focus on yourself not this selfish loser.

Yes, I have my two beautiful children but no other family at all.

He's said it was just a family thing, even his sisters husband didn't go but they live two hours away and I'm fairly certain it's because he would have had work. It's just an excuse.

He mentioned his sisters birthday the other day in June and a wine tasting weekend they are all going on but he didn't invite me. When I said about the birthday, he said what birthday. You're lying.....er what. I'm hoping he just hasn't clicked I'm referring to his sisters birthday.

This meal he promised he would arrange a month ago, he hasn't. And when they messaged him a couple days ago, he just gave a day HE was free. I said but you obviously didn't plan to involve me again at that point because you didn't even check if I would be free/able to go.

He just keeps saying words fail me, how can either of us go if they aren't free on my day off.

I said but what was the point in giving them just your free day without asking if I was free too, if it were for BOTH of us.

I can't work out if Im being the stupid one here.