I want out asap - How are people leaving their partner who own a house together?

[CelaenaAelinSardothien]

I need to leave my relationship, it’s horrendous and my kids are starting to suffer the consequences of how selfish my partner has turned the last 5 years

we’re not married and part of me is thinking perhaps I should jump to a registry office & marry him (because he would if it meant more control over me) as he is in the army and I will be entitled to part of his pension when he leaves in 4 years

We have a house together and I’m not prepared to leave the relationship until I have a plan/know I am financially secure we only see him in the weekends so I can suffer abut longer if it means providing a better life for my kids.

who do I talk to about this other than a mortgage advisor , what free services are there to speak to and plan my way out?

I think with maintenance and maybe upping my hours I can afford it however I earn 22k a year part time but even if I went full time I can’t seem to find a mortgage lender online that will lend me enough for a £180k mortgage, the most I seem to get is like 60k which doesn’t seem fair as I can afford the monthly payments

I will only just about have enough cash to buy out my partner on the house if i hang on until my inheritance comes through.

but how else have single mums managed to keep their family home on a mortgage? What lenders are you with? What help have you managed to get?

I just don’t understand how I am meant to boss it as a single working mum in this economy? I know I can go down the social house route, but we love our family home and I’ve worked so hard for it over the past 7 years we’ve been here

Will you get universal top ups and child maintenance? You can use these in your affordability for a mortgage, so speak to a broker once you know what type of extra income you'd get if you split.

Don't marry him.

Don't marry him. Tying yourself to an angry and controlling man is a foolish thing to do.

Maximise your earnings now and save as much as you can. Then consider a different home. Your kids happiness and your safety are much more important than hanging on to a specific house.

How old are your dcs?

If you are planning to stay and maximise what you end up after separation - marriage is the way.

All depends on how long you can hold on to your sanity in this bad marriage and if you can shield your kids from the bad bits

If you married him, how long would you stick around before leaving? Could the marriage be annulled? I'd check that first but I wouldn't do that either.

I'm afraid I was in your situation and the short answer is I lost my house because a controlling man won't change, he'll only get worse when he's losing. However now, years on, I have a tiny house and I don't care because I'm actually happy.

Dangerous to marry someone dangerous. Don’t do it.

He isn’t dangerous, but he likes to think I’ll never ever leave and he knows this because he has to power over being financially better off than me. If I marry him he will think it solidifies this, and tbh I’ve kept up a very strong facade of acting as if I won’t leave/don’t want him to because i have have suspected him cheating at points (which I don’t care about as we’ve not had sex since I conceived our son 2 years ago) but I don’t want him to leave me as I am not financially stable on my own yet. Tbh I don’t know why he’s still here. It’s miserable.

He’s a stranger to my kids he’s only here on a Saturday and Sunday my son is 18months old and loves him but time will show he won’t, my 4 year old doesn't like him. He’s in the army so very stern with her compared to me and she’s starting to resent him. And the weekends when we’re out into military school it feels like (he wasn’t always like this only since we had kids)

he leaves the army in 4 years with a full pension, if I marry him and leave him after he leaves I could get an extra £700 a month on top of maintenance. I’m owed this I’ve given up my whole career for 10 years for all his false promises.

as far as universal credit I won’t get anything, and even if I did. Its the mortgage that’s the issue, i can’t seem to find a lender that will lend me 100% of my mortgage even though I will be able to afford the monthly payments. Even if I went full time and my annual salary was 36k a year I can’t seem to find a lender that will lend me £180k over 35 years - it’s mental I have no debts apart form £300 on a credit card, and I don’t have anything on finance agreements

my only other option it’s looking like is renting which seems crazy as if I sell our house I’ll have expect to have around 60k in the bank just sat there whilst I burn money on rent.

I really don’t want to give up our home I just want him out

Wouod he be willing to get married? You both sound miserable.

Yeah he would. It’s me that said I don’t want to getting married , for years I’ve always known we won’t be together forever, and I’m buying my time. But it’s only recently I’ve realised what I would have been entitled to financially, and now I feel stupid not marrying him 7 years ago. Everyone around him is miserable, but I honestly think he thinks that’s just a normal way of living and this is a normal relationship. He wouldn’t spend a penny on getting married like a venue/ring etc but would meet me at the registry office tomorrow if I asked. Honestly I ask myself every day for the last 4/10 years of our relationship why he is still here, but still hope he doesn’t leave me before I am stable on my own with my kids that’s all I care about.

for background my dad left my family when I was 3 , my mum was very poor, our lives were incredibly hard. I would rather be miserable with someone and my kids have a comfortable life and manage him around them like I have been doing than have them go through how I grew up.

When I split with my abusive ex I kept the house. He had moved out temporarily (to his mothers) to 'teach me a lesson' I met him publicly and told him it was over and offered to buy him out the house. Because he is greedy he accepted. There was 40k equity so I remortgaged an extra 20k and changed the mortgage to my name only. I was a low earner and couldn't remortgage alone so I asked my parents to guarantee the loan for me.

He blew his 20k and has never owned a property since (nearly 20 years ago) he has lived with various partners and now has a council house with his third wife. He made little effort with our dds and they see him a few times a year now.

I sold that house 8 years later and made 40k profit which I used for a deposit for my four bed detached house I now own with my dh. My DDs adore their step dad and we are all very close.

You shouldn’t marry him to get half his pension. That is so cold and calculated.

I disagree. You absolutely should. ! You sacrificed your earning potential to have children... the fact that the UK values marriage over motherhood is awful.. but it is what it is.. so just play the game !

Of course she shouldn't marry him to get an extra £700 a month in 4 years- that would require living with him for at least another 4 years then getting divorced which will not be easy or cheap with a man like this. Any extra she might get could easily be swallowed by legal costs ten times over.

OP you probably won't get a mortgage of £180k on a salary of £36k. That's 5 times your salary which is the highest possible multiple that lenders will go to and hard to get. How much is your house worth and how much equity is in it now?

Please don't continue exposing your children to this toxic atmosphere for the prospect of £700 a month.

How do you know you will get 700 a month on top of maintenance?

Sent too soon. That was genuine question. Also if you marry will he have claim on the inheritance you mentioned?

Once you are married he has a right to stay in the marital home. Hold on until you get your inheritance. Don’t get married and put your DC or yourself through another 4 years of this. Stay single and free.

You need to see a lawyer specialised in family law before deciding on what to do. It sounds grim to stay 4 years with him but if you can manage it and you're sure you will be rewarded financially then go for it.

Why have you chosen this person as the father of your children? It's incredibly toxic.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/

You may want to look at the "living together" guides on this site - if you jointly own property but are not married it breaks down the ownership structures and what you can expect. Forewarned is forearmed, good luck, OP!

No one forced her to have children in a shitty, loveless, toxic situation. By her own timeline it was grim even before the children were conceived.

My mortgage is with Santander which included child maintenance and UC in my income. I also work full time. If the child maintenance was a private agreement they wanted six months worth of evidence to support. So I’d get an official assessment done to speed things up.

I think you need to reframe your expectations. The usual result if a split between house owners is the sale of three property and split of the equity - each person then sorting out their own housing. Even if you could afford it (which seems unlikely) there’s no guarantee your partner will agree - he could force a sale (as could you).

Why do you say you don’t qualify for UC - on a relatively low income on your own you probably can get a top up. This could include an amount towards rent and child care. Go on Turn2Us and do a benefits calculator on your income alone and enter the typical rent for a 2 bed property to see what you could claim

I would be careful about assuming you would be entitled to a large chunk of his pension. Surely if it would be a short marriage (say you stick it out for 4 yrs) then that would be reflected in what you would be entitled to.

I would get some legal advice if I was you, but I wouldn’t marry him with the intention of divorcing him for his pension, that sounds crazy.

As @PussInBin20 please don't work on the 50/50 assumption if you marry - if it's a short marriage , ( usually under 8 years or so) that's taken into account - especially with pensions

OP the brutal truth is that most people end up financially worse off when separating, and that's the cost of ending an unhappy relationship. It's rare that one partner can afford to buy out the other and take over the mortgage on a sole income, unless it's a long marriage and little left on it. It's much more common for the equity to be split and starting again, whether that's buying a much smaller property, and going from a house to a flat, or it's private renting.
With respect, it's unlikely that most people can buy a house on a sole income, so I'm not sure why you assume you should be able to stay in it on a sole income. It's disappointing yes, but that's reality.

Thinking about friends who have divorced - some of whom had children, some without, so higher income/better affordability for mortgages - none of them stayed in the joint homes bar one who had bought while very young (pre relationship) with a high deposit from inheritance that was ring fenced.