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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

don't get on with MIL do I have to be here when she visits??

28 replies

kite · 10/05/2008 19:20

Hi

I don't really get on with my mil, there is no love lost from either of us.

She never rings or txt's me which I am fine about. My Dad & sister are both very sick at the moment & she never asks how they are doing - which is fine but she has sent a txt from her phone while on hols to all our phones saying how fab it is ( now this has got up my nose that she can txt me about her flippin hols but not about people who I care about who are very ill!!).

So when she comes back off holidays she will want to visit - do I have to be here?? We only meet her every 3 months or so, DS is 2.5 yrs old now & she will only see him when there is an audience of people ( ie- christmas, birthdays - easter) she will never just call for a visit.

I am fed up with the whole thing so can I take my ds off for the day & leave her to it with DH after all it's his mother??

Thanks for reading I feel a bit better now it's off my chest

OP posts:
Fillyjonk · 10/05/2008 19:22

oh dear that sounds bad

I think you need to leave ds there though, unless there are good reasons not to. she is his grandma.

hertsnessex · 10/05/2008 19:23

Why don;t you ask your DH what he wants?

Madlentileater · 10/05/2008 19:24

Yes, find an important engagement elswhere and let dh have lovely time with his dm and your ds.

posieflump · 10/05/2008 19:25

no you need to leave ds there
it is petty to involve him too
I sympathise though, my mil drives me mad. We have to go and stay for at least 2 nights though so when she said they might eventually live closer I think that will be better as we can just go for Sunday lunch rather than a whole blinkin' w/end and dh can takew the dcs round there whilst I had childfree time

paros · 10/05/2008 19:28

good site here for advice

Nagapie · 10/05/2008 19:30

Acid test is to behave and treat people the way you wish to be treated...

Be around when she arrives but then have a pressing engagement - lunch with a friend, perhaps????

DS should be thee to see his gran - he can always wander off to play...

Original poster
kite · 10/05/2008 19:30

I know it sounds petty, she only comes when it suits her & she never calls to ask about him or anything.

She turns up then like she is running the place - I am a bit fed up now with it all. It's always on her terms. DH says I am right in how I feel as he can see it too, but I don't know anymore.

I know how the visit will go & I am a bit fed up with it to be honest, so I feel that seeing as she has no real interest in him or me could the two of us not just go off for the day & leave her to brag away to her son (my DH).

Am I wrong or just mad ??

OP posts:
Original poster
kite · 10/05/2008 19:35

thanks for the link to the site paros

OP posts:
Irisheyes78 · 10/05/2008 19:36

I know how you feel but leave ds there. Otherwise you could be made to look like the baddy.

Been there!

SpookyMadMummy · 10/05/2008 19:38

I leave DH and the kids to it when MIL is in town! We absolutely do not get on. Have been married 11 years with 2 dd's and still we can't see eye to eye.
I leave the kids, the are their grandchildren, but its a safe bet you will find me at a friends'!

paros · 10/05/2008 19:38

Once you get on that site you wont come off . LOL

itsahardknocklife · 10/05/2008 19:47

I used to always go out when the in-laws came to visit. Yes, I know it was rude but at the time we really weren't getting on. Things are slightly better now!

BerkshireBella · 10/05/2008 19:54

oooo Paros that site is addictive

hls · 10/05/2008 19:55

Question is- why don't you get on?

Instead of accepting this, could you not start to build bridges and try to be friends?

If you go out when she visits, are you going to do it every time? Is spending a few hours ( days?) with someone once every 3 months really so bad? She is your DH mum, after all. Does you behaviour and attitude to her not upset him?

paros · 10/05/2008 20:07

Tell me if Im not on here Im over there

Original poster
kite · 10/05/2008 20:11

Hi hls

it was something she did to both of us when DS was born & it got progressively worse. It came to a head & then we said we would be polite & civil for family sake.

DH has no interest in her at all good or bad. I know my behaviour is not upsetting him because I do not behave any way different or nasty in front of her. I am nothing but civil and polite, more so than DH.

If I went into what happened I would be here for days typing and boring you all but it was bad what she did, but in saying that I am not mad bitter about it I just don't feel the need to meet her any more, I have no friendship with her - she has none with me as she makes no effort either, so it will never come right at this stage.

sad I know........

OP posts:
hls · 10/05/2008 20:21

it IS sad. As I get older, I try to be more compassionate. My kids are grown up now and I know that one day perhaps I will be a MIL. I hope I am not hated! If you try to put yourself into your child's shoes and think ahead- how would it feel to be rejected by your DIL, even if you knew you were to blame?

I am not saying you are wrong to feel as you do- 'cos I have no details- but you would feel a bigger person and take the moral high ground if you could still manage to be civil and to be there when she comes.

Original poster
kite · 10/05/2008 20:30

HI hls

I really have taken the moral high ground honestly this isn't a small little squabble I really have thought of all my actions before I do something as I always think what if I am a mil in 20 yrs time how will I feel, but I really don't push her out she just has no interest until a group of people are around her & then she starts to take things over.

I think because family members close to me are ill at the moment it makes me more prone to my feelings lately - but I do feel I have been very compassionate given the circumstances & I just feel it's not reciprocated from my mil. She knows about the rough time my gang are having and what got me was a text about her hols yet she can't ask how we are doing.

OP posts:
hls · 10/05/2008 20:32

well, if she gets to you that much, just go out!

Original poster
kite · 10/05/2008 20:33
Smile
OP posts:
anynamewilldo · 10/05/2008 20:59

We weren't even told when dh's parents went away, we only found out as dh had been trying to phone them for a few days (last year) so he decided to go up to see them, and their neighbour told him they went away on the sunday, this was wednesday pm.

bil knew that they had gone away and assumed that we knew they had gone and didnt think to mention it!!

I dont take the children there to see them nor do they come here to visit, the last visit was xmas time, and that was a strained event. dd3 is terrified of her but strangly enough loves grandpa

BerkshireBella · 11/05/2008 08:58

BTW Kite, I used to make a huge effort so that my MIL could see dd at least twice a week, despite the fact that she completely ignored me and only paid attention to dd. DH always said, why do you put yourself through that, it only makes you angry. And I thought about it and he was right - I was giving in to her every whim but ignoring my own hurt feelings when she made it clear that I didn't matter, only dd. Now we do not go see her and dd doesn't get to go over without me. DILs can be treated as baby factories and this is wrong. I refuse to let my dd see someone treat me with so little respect - I don't want her to grow up thinking it is OK for people to treat mummies that way.

Also VERY curious as to what started you and MILs problems!! For us it started from day 1 of DD's birth, she took DD off us in hospital and wandered off to take photos - didn't even bother taking a photo of me and baby, just hubby and baby, in-laws and baby etc.

petunia · 11/05/2008 10:11

DH and I have been together for 14 1/2 years. My ILs hate me simply because I came along. I've had many tantrums from them, mainly because they can't cope with the idea that DH has someone that he should be putting first before them. What I've come to realise is that they not only would have been like this whoever he married (if they'd "let" him get married at all!), and that they're like this with whoever marries into the family. They regard these people as a threat who have come along to ruin their family life (I've been accused of splitting up their family many times).

For 12 of the 14+ years DH and I have been together, I "wiped the slate clean" for DHs sake. He never showed any sign that he appreciated me putting my feelings aside and playing at "happy families", so I don't anymore. Luckily my ILs don't drive, so when they used to come up for their day visits, I used to make myself scarce. Now they're too old to come up by bus, so DH does visits by himself. I've always given DDs (the eldest 2 are 8 and 5 years), the choice as to whether they go, and they choose not to (mainly because I'm not there). I totally agree with what BerkshireBella says- I don't want DDs growing up thinking that it's right for their mum to be ignored. I also don't buy into the sweeping it all under the carpet because it's family- that's just a licence for them to treat you like cr@p and to keep doing it! So if your MIL doesn't show any interest in you or your DS, don't be there.

I also totally recommend that MILstories website!

FrannyandZooey · 11/05/2008 10:14

I go out as much as I can when MIL comes
I put on my work clothes sometimes and then go shopping! LOL
we have new baby on the way which will put a stop to that but I will probably disappear upstairs for a rest
in past I have also gone and done cooking fest in kitchen, made loads of stuff for the freezer

Original poster
kite · 11/05/2008 11:17

it started when I was pregnant and it went from there, like you BerkshireBella she did the whole thing in the hospital of having photos of ds with all her family.

She bought 15 family members in with her to the hospital & took DS from me and started saying he was the image of his father & that I had no look on him at all. She then went and got photos of all her generations - never included me & made a point not to include me. She never gave me so much as a bar of chocolate after having DS she just kept telling DH she was calling back the next day and the next day and the next day all the time bringing other people with her. Things got very bad when we got home, she said some awful things(really awful) and did some fairly shocking actions so much that it has now caused a rift with everyone.

She never contacts me at all about DS or myself & she rings DH on his mobile to say when she is coming and expects everything to stop so she can turn up. It just annoys me now that she can text me about her hols out of the blue but never text about anything else!!

I could be here all day with the stunts she has pulled - everytime she does something I think well it can't get worse but she excels herself & does an even better mess up the next time.

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