Feel like I don’t have enough control over decisions

[Waterlilysunset]

I feel sad because of a conversation this morning with my husband about a holiday in the near future. Originally we had planned to go away with my family (booked already) and he has said no he doesn’t want to go. He has since suggested a family holiday (just our family) instead. I said I was happy with this compromise and he said send me some links.
He then told me he was booking X holiday (different hotel; different country) - he hadn’t bothered looking at my 2 researched suggestions.
He they asked me if I was happy and why I wasn’t grateful enough. I said I don’t feel like I have any say in anything in our marriage. I sent him a message (I feel sad because I feel X and some examples).
I knew he wouldn’t understand or see my point of view I don’t know why I tried to explain it.
These were the things and he’s since come back to answers with everything in his defence. I suppose in an ideal world I wanted him to say sorry I can see that I bulldoze you on lots of discussions.

1. I had a tricky birth with dc1 and dc2. I said I wanted a different hospital this time (second closest 20 min drive). He said no we stay at the same closest hospital 10 min drive. I didn’t really fight it as I knew it would cause issues but I feel robbed of the ability to make choices
2. We need a new 7 seater car as expecting dc3. I sent suggestions on WhatsApp. He said no. I said can we test drive , he said no. He has picked a new car (he is paying for it) it will be ‘my’ car but in his name (he already has his own 5 seater SUV which he is keeping). End of discussion. Now this morning he’s said fine you pick the car, you can pay for it (knowing I don’t have enough money, he is high earner and I’m sahm).
3. He recently got a big bonus. He said he was going to share half. Then he said a few £k. Then he said he would buy me a new iPhone instead. (I did need a new phone). He wouldn’t send me the money instead he picked and bought it so he got points on his CC. It’s very kind but every few days he hints and prompts me to say thank you.
4. He said in the past did I need anything. I said my coat was no longer waterproof. He said he would send me money. A year later he hadn’t. He then picked and bought me a coat (very nice and expensive, I love it. I just feel like a child that I can’t choose anything myself).
5. Our house. He chose and bought this solely himself early in our relationship. We weren’t engaged or married so his family encouraged him to have only in his name and made me sign tenants in common. Obviously now it’s a marital home. I’m still not on the deeds or mortgage. And he still considers it his house in his head
6. I don’t get a say on purchases nowadays. I look around our house and can see when we first got together we jointed chose things like our sofa and paid for it 50:50. He respected me then. He doesn’t count my opinion for anything. He recently bought a new fridge and I didn’t get consulted or it wasn’t discussed. He’s upset I’m not grateful enough.

His message back said if I didn’t want my phone or coat he can send them back. He thinks he’s been really kind and generous with money. And he is.
He cant see how this lack of input is bothering me. He’s said I’m an ungrateful princess? Am I? Maybe I am.

Not to drip feed, I will be going back to work after this next baby. I know this is a large part of the problem. The issue will still exist in that I will still earn a lot less than him (circa £30k to his £150k) so the imbalance will always be there. Prepared lots of answers might say LTB. But maybe posters will also tell me I’m ungrateful? I do have a life (from the outside) that lots of people would be happy with

My first thought is to stop having babies with him as this is keeping you in the sahp role and under his control.

He is financially abusing you. You’re a grown woman who can choose her own fucking clothes.

He is controlling and when you challenge him by highlighting the fact that he is financially abusive, he uses DARVO on you to make you the problem. You’re not the problem.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

You’re not a princess. You’re meant to be his wife. An equal partner with a voice. He has taken your voice because he doesn’t want you to have one because he is a controlling asshole.

This time, have the baby wherever you want and tell him that if he won’t support you he’s an asshole. Tell him to his face that he’s being an asshole. It’s not that he doesn’t understand it’s that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how you feel because he’s your boss and you’re his servant, bang maid and childcare provider. You’re not allowed an opinion! It’s not how you’re communicating, it’s not that he doesn’t understand. He understands perfectly well and because you’re challenging his controlling behaviour, he’s making YOU the problem.

Read this book and then see a lawyer.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You’ll be much better off as a single mum, with him paying maintenance and buying you out the house. It doesn’t matter that your names not on it, once you’re married it becomes a marital asset.

This man is never going to change and if you stay it will destroy your sense of self. You eventually will become incapable of making any decisions for yourself. He will train that out of you. And he will also train your ability to speak for yourself at all out of you. What are your children learning from this dynamic? What women are subservient to men. That’s what.

His behaviour is unacceptable. You’re not asking for anything outrageous. You’re asking to be included in the decision making process that affects your life. He’s controlling everything down to the clothes you wear. That’s abuse. And you don’t have to accept it. You a person in your own right with your own views, opinions, wants and needs. He doesn’t get to decide those for you. See a lawyer quietly and make plans to leave. Hire a forensic accountant to find out where all the money is so you get half of everything you’re entitled to and then enjoy living your life as you want to and making your own decisions.

I don't think you're ungrateful and I don't think he's kind. Is your husband aware that most couples with a SAHP consider the money joint? This seems a significant factor in the problem that he considers the money his. Has it never occurred to him that the reason he can still earn so well is that you look after his children unpaid? How dare he choose the car you are expected to drive without you test driving it!! No control over where you holiday WTF!! And controlling where you give birth - that's appalling!

You need access to a joint account that covers more than day to day expenses - that's 'normal' for an adult. When both working, even many couples that do not share all their money pay proportionately into a joint account, according to income, and share the decisions about spending this.

For any other large decisions/ purchases on the horizon, can you make it clear that you expect to be part of the decision making in advance? Be prepared to say 'no' before the money is spent. Don't let him suck you into his worldview where you should be grateful. Is he grateful for your kindness in giving up your career, body, time to birth and care for your joint children, and presumably for him?

The house issue sounds worrying. There are others on here though that might have advice. Going back to work sounds a very good idea, but I suspect you may need to work hard on achieving a fair share of domestic work if he's used to calling the shots while you do everything for the family.

What the others have written here. Plan your exit from his abuses of you (and in turn your children) with due care. Indeed seek out the services of Women's Aid along with a Solicitor and forensic accountant; he is deliberately hiding money as well as attempting to keep you in penury.

The holiday thing is to my mind the most worrying, because it’s about distancing you from your family. This is the classic MO for a controlling partner.
Can you go with your family as well as with him? If you aren’t working now this might be a great opportunity.
Whatever happens within your relationship you need to carve out a much more independent life for yourself, pronto.
Weekends with friends, a night class, a course, trips to the gym. You may already do all of this. The effects of control are insidious - you stop trusting your own judgment, you stop seeing your friends and family, your savings become depleted, you wear clothes you didn’t choose and so on. And suddenly your world is very small and you don’t feel an equal to your friends or up to date with your family .. so you stop wanting to see them and the sleepwalking gets worse with each year.
The crucial stage of recovery is admitting how bad it is and that’s where you are, and it must have taken a lot of bravery to admit and write this here.

you need to get back to work and fast. Should have done years ago but you can’t go back in time

I despise so much of the behaviour by your husband you describe here and his “you pick the car, you pay for it!” line repulses me to the core.
It’s a car you are going to drive and need to feel safe in, see out of, can park in and so on. And he totally disregards your wishes.
He gets to choose everything and you have to just put up with it, and be belittled in the process - like living with someone who hates you.

You’re really not alone. Lots of people here have been through it or helped others through it. Whether you decide to stay or not, there are lots of things you can do to make it better.

You are bought and paid for. He does not respect you.

You're the biological vessel he needed to have his own children.

As your usefulness decreases your function will diminish and he will financially control you more.

He doesn't see you as an equal; just another dependent possession.

Xdh was like this, right down to the car thing and the flouncy sulky "well give it back then and buy your own" if I didn't show enough gratitude.

Luckily I could afford to ltb, although I left it far too late. I wanted to protect the kids from time alone with him (he was a pretty inadequate dad) and was a bit dazzled by the gilded cage.

In his defence, the scales fell from his eyes when I did leave. But it was too late by then and I don't regret it for one minute.

Lots of good advice here. Please take it. It is not going to get any better.

1. I had a tricky birth with dc1 and dc2. I said I wanted a different hospital this time (second closest 20 min drive). He said no we stay at the same closest hospital 10 min drive. I didn’t really fight it as I knew it would cause issues but I feel robbed of the ability to make choices

This is still within your control. Start by talking to your midwife to say that you are being financially abused and coercively controlled to the point that you can't even choose where you want to give birth. Can they help you with a magic medical reason to go elsewhere that he can't dispute. It's not the f*ck you to his face that we'd all like to see you achieve but it's a start.

Have you family and friends nearby that you can confide in?

This is absolutely financial abuse.
You made a joint decision about how your family would function. He would provide the income, you would provide basically everything else, from childcare to domestic labour etc. That means that you are both doing your share to provide for your family. The fact that one of these things is paid and the other is not, doesn't matter. You should both be able to access the family funds and make joint family decisions on how to spend these funds.

He's basically telling you that he doesn't value what you do for the family.
Start by sending him invoices for everything you've previously done for free. Household work? Charge him like a cleaning lady would. Childcare? How much are nannies earning these days?

The fact that you're a SAHM with no access to your money, not gaining equity, no house in your name, probably not building your pension, ... Time to wake up. He's not providing for you. He's providing for himself.

He’s not kind and you’re not ungrateful. He’s a bullying, controlling, manipulative, abusive cunt.

Definitely going back to work is the right thing but could you seek legal advice as you might be entitled to more than you think if you divorce

Personally - I don’t think this qualifies as
abuse. This word is thrown around very easily on MN.
But I do think the situation you are in is very common - with SAHMs. I lived in a version of this power misbalance myself.

I had an equally high earning career but stayed home to raise our kids. Originally our marriage was more of a even partnership, but after I stopped working, exH started acting like he was the was the Head of the Household - where he was the one making decisions.
Differently to your situation - I didnt accept it and eventually our relationship eroded.

I don’t know what the solution is. You are in a vulnerable place with small kids and a baby on the way. And men like your H are totally convinced that they have earned the ‘decision maker’ position and that they are doing it for the best of the family. I don’t think talking to him will make much difference.
But I also don’t think you should leave now.

I’d be smart and pragmatic. Have you baby. Get back to work. Figure out your financials - check in with a solicitor - and understand your position. I think the house purchased when the relationship already started, and where you lived continuously, +3 babies - will be considered a marital asset, even without your name being on it. I’d confirm it with a solicitor to be sure.

Then see how it feels down the line. When you are back on your feet - you can decide if you are unhappy (and strong) enough to force the issue.
The only thing that can work with a man like your H is to say - that either you pull your finances / change how decisions are made OR you leave. And leaving will mean - sell the house and share everything 50/50, and he pays child support.

But this will mean going to war. And it’s not easy to do with three small kids. So you need to be really prepared to act on it.

Sorry you're being abused but please stop having kids.

I plan to but can’t until baby is born and I’m ready to leave them.
Haven't been out of the work place a really really long time (2-3 years currently)

This is our last baby, he is getting a vasectomy and I’m going on long term contraception

When I read your post I picture a grown man playing with his wife like she is a Barbie doll and buying whatever accessories makes him happy. Barbie dolls don’t have any say either.

He is a child and you are his toy.

Thank you for your advice and also all other PP ; I have read every one in detail and taken on board. Appreciate the time taken to write out replies especially the longer ones.

I think I am going to change hospitals.

Ive also booked into test drive the car I want and the car he wants so it’s actually being considered properly.

im also going to wear all my clothes i know he hates as a private fuck you.

i don’t think now is the right time to leave. It’s a bit shit not being able to choose stuff but I think it would be shitter in the short term to have a newborn and 2 preschool children to look after solo and deal with a divorce at the same time. I need to deal with one thing at a time for now

It's "his" money because he works outside the home while you stay home with the children? Therefore, all decisions are his to make, unilaterally?

No. That's not how it works at all.

I think you should tell him immediately, after making the appointment, that the two of you will be going to marriage counseling or you'll be making the unilateral decision to consult a divorce attorney. Then follow through.

Any man who called me an ungrateful princess would be on his way out of the door. Patronising arrogant prat !!

Make sure you get a good solicitor as you will be entitled to a lot of what you currently think of as “his”.

I assume you don’t have access to a joint account. He knows exactly how he is making you feel - he either just doesn’t care or he enjoys controlling you.

Marriage counselling is not recommended when there is any abuse involved.

@Waterlilysunset You are not a princess nor a child. You are an adult and his wife.

I agree with PP he is abusing you. Financially, emotionally and is using coercive control.

I think you need to start talking to people in real life and start reading up on this.

Who does the grocery shopping? I only ask, because if you do you could start getting some cash back when you go. At least this way you’ll have some money put away when the time comes.

Keep posting

Sorry, he thinks you're an ungrateful princess for wanting to pick your own coat, or where you give birth? Have you asked him why he thinks you having a basic say in things, is princess behaviour? Is he fucking thick? Rhetorical question, he's not, he's a controling prick.

Honestly, leave him. He's controlling and abusive to the point you can't even seem to see it.