Feel like I don’t have enough control over decisions

[Waterlilysunset]

I feel sad because of a conversation this morning with my husband about a holiday in the near future. Originally we had planned to go away with my family (booked already) and he has said no he doesn’t want to go. He has since suggested a family holiday (just our family) instead. I said I was happy with this compromise and he said send me some links.
He then told me he was booking X holiday (different hotel; different country) - he hadn’t bothered looking at my 2 researched suggestions.
He they asked me if I was happy and why I wasn’t grateful enough. I said I don’t feel like I have any say in anything in our marriage. I sent him a message (I feel sad because I feel X and some examples).
I knew he wouldn’t understand or see my point of view I don’t know why I tried to explain it.
These were the things and he’s since come back to answers with everything in his defence. I suppose in an ideal world I wanted him to say sorry I can see that I bulldoze you on lots of discussions.

1. I had a tricky birth with dc1 and dc2. I said I wanted a different hospital this time (second closest 20 min drive). He said no we stay at the same closest hospital 10 min drive. I didn’t really fight it as I knew it would cause issues but I feel robbed of the ability to make choices
2. We need a new 7 seater car as expecting dc3. I sent suggestions on WhatsApp. He said no. I said can we test drive , he said no. He has picked a new car (he is paying for it) it will be ‘my’ car but in his name (he already has his own 5 seater SUV which he is keeping). End of discussion. Now this morning he’s said fine you pick the car, you can pay for it (knowing I don’t have enough money, he is high earner and I’m sahm).
3. He recently got a big bonus. He said he was going to share half. Then he said a few £k. Then he said he would buy me a new iPhone instead. (I did need a new phone). He wouldn’t send me the money instead he picked and bought it so he got points on his CC. It’s very kind but every few days he hints and prompts me to say thank you.
4. He said in the past did I need anything. I said my coat was no longer waterproof. He said he would send me money. A year later he hadn’t. He then picked and bought me a coat (very nice and expensive, I love it. I just feel like a child that I can’t choose anything myself).
5. Our house. He chose and bought this solely himself early in our relationship. We weren’t engaged or married so his family encouraged him to have only in his name and made me sign tenants in common. Obviously now it’s a marital home. I’m still not on the deeds or mortgage. And he still considers it his house in his head
6. I don’t get a say on purchases nowadays. I look around our house and can see when we first got together we jointed chose things like our sofa and paid for it 50:50. He respected me then. He doesn’t count my opinion for anything. He recently bought a new fridge and I didn’t get consulted or it wasn’t discussed. He’s upset I’m not grateful enough.

His message back said if I didn’t want my phone or coat he can send them back. He thinks he’s been really kind and generous with money. And he is.
He cant see how this lack of input is bothering me. He’s said I’m an ungrateful princess? Am I? Maybe I am.

Not to drip feed, I will be going back to work after this next baby. I know this is a large part of the problem. The issue will still exist in that I will still earn a lot less than him (circa £30k to his £150k) so the imbalance will always be there. Prepared lots of answers might say LTB. But maybe posters will also tell me I’m ungrateful? I do have a life (from the outside) that lots of people would be happy with

I know you love your children but this is another way to control you. Please sort some contraception in case he doesn’t get the vasectomy.

I don’t understand - did you read what I wrote when you quoted it?

You're married and all income should be joint and you should both have equal access to it.

If you are missing income because you are in maternity leave/SAHM he should be making sure you have access to household income. The car should come out of household income not your separate account.

Please go and get some advice from CAB or Women’s Aid about how your finances are controlled and how you can start changing this situation. Also see a solicitor on the quiet for information about what you could get in a divorce settlement and how you can register an interest in the house you have been contributing towards for years. I do think you will have to divorce this man at some point in the future.

The fact he says you are an ungrateful Princess just confirms he is abusing you emotionally and financially. As partners you should be in this together.

If you’ve booked and paid for a holiday with your family go on it. You don’t have to go on the other one.

Start getting organised OP. He sounds like a patronising prick.

💐

Thanks for replying, agree with lots of what you are saying.

the holiday with family is in the uk and my family paid for it in total. They can ask other people to join them if I give them plenty of notice.

I’ve previously seen a solicitor and I’ve previously registered my joint interest in the house as a marital home with land registry and he got notified and it stands uncontested

Thanks x

i buy all the food shopping from the joint account which he puts in an amount every month for household purchases (food, petrol, kids clothes, softplay) it just about covers these items but no surplus

I don’t have access to the family money. No to other posters I don’t agree it’s his money, he think it’s his money. I think it’s family money hence posting on here pissed off about it

This is not how good marriages work financially but I think you know this. If you are not ready to leave then at least form a longer term plan. Keep pushing back and sort out your own finances, search out benefits and remember you can change this.

Tell him to go Part Time, and you too, so you get to do some of the work that pays...and then you get some control of money and decisions.

He can mind the kids himself, Sunday morning till Wednesday lunch time.

See what he says then, ha!

@Waterlilysunset

My DH is a high earner and l haven’t worked since my youngest child was born.

All money is family money.

We have a joint account, we discuss big purchases/holidays and are an equal partnership.

May l ask, if your parents paid for the trip why don’t you just take the DC by yourself?

Also, if he puts money in for groceries etc, could you ask him to increase this as you are expecting another child (this way you’ll may be able to get some cash back without him realising it)?

Also, in regards to the house I am glad that you have put a note of interest on it.

He will get a rude awakening, as his soon to be ex spouse, you will be entitled to some of his pension, any savings/investments and the house. You’d also be entitled to CMS.

l think you should speak to women’s aide.

There are some relationships where being a SATM and financial dependant on a man can work. But many where they think they own you and their servant you don't get any say in how his money is spent. Personally I couldnt stay with a man who viewed me like this and took advantage of me in such a way.