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Original poster

Sibling's spouse had affair, now they're back together - I'm still furious

45 replies

Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 08:06

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you feel/handle it?

My sibling's spouse (SS) had an affair which went on behind my sibling (MS)'s back for at least 10 months.

MS discovered it by accident, SS would have otherwise carried on.

They've separated and the affair ended but MS wants to get back together with SS and they're seeing each other again, even going away together.

I'm still furious about the betrayal and really want nothing to do with SS after their behaviour.

If you've been in a situation like this, how did you handle it and cope with your own emotions? I've never really liked SS although I can also see that some of MS's behaviour led to this situation.

OP posts:
Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 25/02/2025 08:08

Has the other partner always been faithful?

Original poster
Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 08:13

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 25/02/2025 08:08

Has the other partner always been faithful?

Yes, I have no doubt about that. One of our parents had an affair and it was very damaging to us as children. We're very close.

OP posts:
CopperNanoTubes · 25/02/2025 08:13

Yes I’ve been there, and in the nicest way it’s not about you.

I too couldn’t look at my sister’s husband in the same way, but it was a case of her family her choice. I am there for my sister whatever. I don’t socialise with them as much, but for family events I put my feelings to one side because she’s made her choice. In my situation he does seem to be making an effort to make it work and is making her feel safe and loved.

If he does it again I may not have the ability to put my thoughts and feelings aside though!

Original poster
Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 08:15

CopperNanoTubes · 25/02/2025 08:13

Yes I’ve been there, and in the nicest way it’s not about you.

I too couldn’t look at my sister’s husband in the same way, but it was a case of her family her choice. I am there for my sister whatever. I don’t socialise with them as much, but for family events I put my feelings to one side because she’s made her choice. In my situation he does seem to be making an effort to make it work and is making her feel safe and loved.

If he does it again I may not have the ability to put my thoughts and feelings aside though!

Thank you. My rational head tells me it's not about me, my emotions are a different matter.

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 25/02/2025 08:19

I agree with @CopperNanoTubes
It's not about you. It's your siblings choice to stay with the spouse. I'm sure your sibling has thought long and hard about whether or not they want to try to work through the betrayal. But it's up to them.
As a couples counselor myself I've seen quite a few couples overcome infidelity and come out stronger in the end, although obviously many couples do end up separating. I'm just saying it doesn't have to be the end for every couple.
Feel free to make up your mind about what you would do if you were ever cheated on. But don't make this about you. You weren't cheated on. You're not the victim, you're the support system. And as such, your own feelings on the matter don't belong in the spotlight. Find a way to deal with them on your own. Your sibling doesn't need the added burden of dealing with peoples jugdement on her choice. And the spouse has been given a second chance, and needs to be able to take that second chance and make ammends. They won't be able to do that if you're not the least bit supportive.

Enough4me · 25/02/2025 08:21

"some of MS's behaviour led to this situation."
Such as?
Has it stopped?

gettingthehangofsewing · 25/02/2025 08:24

It's not your call. Some people can choose to forgive infidelity , it can depend what the person has to lose in the situation- home, security, kids , fear of being alone etc.
Sometimes low self esteem, a belief. the other person is better than them so they deserve or expect poor treatment or kid themselves the other person will change.

Whatever the reason it's not coming from a place of confidence or happiness, I'd try to support her and be there fore her. Be polite about him to her and in his company, but you don't have to be friends with him. Encourage her to have fun /her own interests/passions away from him.

Anxioustealady · 25/02/2025 08:26

If my sibling made their choice and wanted to move on, I would never make life harder for them or keep reminding them of what happened by having an attitude towards their spouse.

Is your priority your sibling or your own feelings here?

HellofromJohnCraven · 25/02/2025 08:27

My close friend had similar. Her brother in law was a serial cheat that her sister took back several times. Friend in the end just refused to attend any family functions that he attended cos she couldn't even pretend to play happy families. She was made out to be the problem!
I think you just have to hold true to your values.

Endofyear · 25/02/2025 08:30

I think you have to put your own feelings aside and support your sibling if that is their choice. Many relationships survive infidelity and no-one really knows what goes on in a relationship except the two people involved. People make mistakes and if your sibling's partner is genuinely sorry and they both want to work at getting their relationship back on track, that's not your business.

You don't have to be best friends with them - you just have to be polite and keep your judgement to yourself.

GoldMoon · 25/02/2025 08:32

So are you going to turn away from your sister as well if she has him back ?
Yes you can't forgive him for doing that to her , but it seems like she has ( or is trying to ) surely support your sister and be there for her ?
That probably means him back in your life as well , you don't have to love him or even like him that much , just be civil and pleasant when you are in his company .
It makes you the bigger person .

Candlesburn · 25/02/2025 08:49

This as others have said, is not your choice . Your role is to support your sister in whichever decision she makes .

As someone whose own relationship broke down due to infidelity I would caution that it isn't always clear cut what decision the cheated upon spouse will make and when .

It is easy to say , I would break up straight away in this situation -until you are in this situation .

Factors such as the length of the relationship , children etc can make this more complex . Your sister may feel that she isn't ready to throw the towel in on the relationship
, yet .

That isn't to say that she may not do so shortly / in the future when she finds that trust will be an issue .
You want her to be able to continue to confide in you and for you to be there for her should she change her mind .

It will be awkward for you , but you have to swallow this and support your sister .

Original poster
Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 09:06

Thanks for all the replies. I'm 100% supporting my sibling, there for them when needed, not commenting on the spouse at all. I recognise none of this is clear-cut, especially as it's been a long marriage with children involved.

What's more difficult to get my head around is how to behave when the inevitable family occasions take place and the cheating spouse crawls out from under the rock and attends again.

"You don't have to love him or even like him that much , just be civil and pleasant when you are in his company." - I just hope I can manage this. I'll probably be distant and cold rather than pleasant tbh, at least with the way I feel at the moment.

I'm doing my best to avoid SS, which is difficult as they're quite controlling, answering my sibling's phone for example and no doubt reading the texts I send. I haven't seen SS face-to-face since the affair yet

OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 25/02/2025 09:07

The cheating person is a woman. The OPs sibling is her brother. Come on Mumsnet posters. Advice is same, but maybe hard to take as seriously if the assumption is that the cheating person is a man, when it is not.

Very hard OP, as you care for your brother. I'd probably be polite with her and in family situations, so no one could call me out. And maintain relationship with brother and still make sure there is 1-1 time with him. He needs to feel loved and supported whatever his decision and know that you are there for him. Otherwise he'll get more isolated..
He may stay with her, he may leave, but it'll take time for that to work its way through, and last thing you want is to lose him, or him feel unable to talk with you amd feel yoir love, irrespective. Very hard. Hope it works out. He'll know you have his back, so just try stay calm if u can. Scream and judge when you are safely at home.

Cynic17 · 25/02/2025 09:08

OP, how is this anything to do with you?

Forgiveness is a great Christian virtue, so if this couple has managed to resolve their differences, shouldn't you be applauding their attempt to make the marriage work? If anything, they both need and deserve your support.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 25/02/2025 09:10

Cynic17 · 25/02/2025 09:08

OP, how is this anything to do with you?

Forgiveness is a great Christian virtue, so if this couple has managed to resolve their differences, shouldn't you be applauding their attempt to make the marriage work? If anything, they both need and deserve your support.

And you bought religion into it because...?

Original poster
Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 09:18

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 25/02/2025 09:07

The cheating person is a woman. The OPs sibling is her brother. Come on Mumsnet posters. Advice is same, but maybe hard to take as seriously if the assumption is that the cheating person is a man, when it is not.

Very hard OP, as you care for your brother. I'd probably be polite with her and in family situations, so no one could call me out. And maintain relationship with brother and still make sure there is 1-1 time with him. He needs to feel loved and supported whatever his decision and know that you are there for him. Otherwise he'll get more isolated..
He may stay with her, he may leave, but it'll take time for that to work its way through, and last thing you want is to lose him, or him feel unable to talk with you amd feel yoir love, irrespective. Very hard. Hope it works out. He'll know you have his back, so just try stay calm if u can. Scream and judge when you are safely at home.

I've deliberately not identified which sex my sibling is, I don't think it's relevant, but it's interesting everyone apart from you assumed cheating spouse is a man.

To be clear, they're living separately at the moment and it will be a long time before they could ever live together again - they're currently having separate counselling to work through the issues leading up to this.

Aside from the affair, SS has a particular behaviour which was dragging my sibling down.

When they broke up, initially it was as though a weight had been lifted from my sibling, even though sibling was very angry and upset at the same time.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 25/02/2025 09:19

My mum has been in your shoes @Siblingspartneraffair.

My aunt married her childhood sweetheart. 30 years later he had an affair and left her. A year or so later they were back together.

My mum found it very hard to bite her tongue but she did. She respected her sister's choices.

10 years later, they are still together. No one mentions what happened. But we all know and he lost an awful lot of respect.

BlondiePortz · 25/02/2025 09:20

Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 08:15

Thank you. My rational head tells me it's not about me, my emotions are a different matter.

Show quote history

I would go with your head

Original poster
Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 09:21

BlondiePortz · 25/02/2025 09:20

I would go with your head

Show quote history

I hope in time I might be able to achieve that! At the moment, I wouldn't trust myself.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 25/02/2025 09:24

I don't have the energy any more to get worked up about other people's dramas.

As the expression goes, "let them." It's not your issue to waste time on.

WakingUpToReality · 25/02/2025 09:24

I’m sorry what? Your sibling’s spouse is answering their phone and reading their texts? That is very worrying. No wonder you are concerned about the whole thing. That is so wrong, and they’re not even the one who cheated?

GravyBoatWars · 25/02/2025 09:27

Your sibling's spouse is not your cheating parent, who did betray you, your sibling(s) and your other parent. Definitely take some time to examine what old feelings this is bringing up for you so you can separate things out a bit.

You're right, you need to prioritize supporting your sibling to find happiness and security, whether that means giving things another chance or moving on. It may involve some fake it 'til you make it when it comes to being civil with the spouse but you can do it.

BeastAngelMadwoman · 25/02/2025 09:31

What behaviour do you mean of your sibling's that could have led to this situation? Is that ongoing?

Sillysoggysheep · 25/02/2025 09:34

Siblingspartneraffair · 25/02/2025 08:06

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you feel/handle it?

My sibling's spouse (SS) had an affair which went on behind my sibling (MS)'s back for at least 10 months.

MS discovered it by accident, SS would have otherwise carried on.

They've separated and the affair ended but MS wants to get back together with SS and they're seeing each other again, even going away together.

I'm still furious about the betrayal and really want nothing to do with SS after their behaviour.

If you've been in a situation like this, how did you handle it and cope with your own emotions? I've never really liked SS although I can also see that some of MS's behaviour led to this situation.

This happened to me and I found it really difficult, especially as my DS took her cheating DH back so quickly (because of two DC). I actually found it hard to have much to do with either of them for a long time.

Ultimately he cheated again and they divorced but it damaged my relationship with my DS permanently. Perhaps I should have handled it better but my emotions were overwhelming.