Sibling's spouse had affair, now they're back together - I'm still furious

[Siblingspartneraffair]

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you feel/handle it?

My sibling's spouse (SS) had an affair which went on behind my sibling (MS)'s back for at least 10 months.

MS discovered it by accident, SS would have otherwise carried on.

They've separated and the affair ended but MS wants to get back together with SS and they're seeing each other again, even going away together.

I'm still furious about the betrayal and really want nothing to do with SS after their behaviour.

If you've been in a situation like this, how did you handle it and cope with your own emotions? I've never really liked SS although I can also see that some of MS's behaviour led to this situation.

I’ve been there. I want my sister to have whatever she wants. She wanted to work on her marriage so I made it easy for her DH to come back into the family. No recriminations, no hostility, just picked up where we left off.

My family are the masters of sweeping things under the rug though. So I appreciate a lot of people could behave this way.

The cheater is still your niece/nephews parent and as it has been said - it is not about you in anyway. We encounter people we dislike all the time but it is not appropriate to show this a lot of the time - work/social life etc. You just need to be polite and respect your siblings decision - even if it is not what you would do or think you would do. You say you don't know if you could - you could - you have to choose to do so instead of making it about you and how you feel.

You know they are a twat - they know, you know, they are a twat - it doesn't need to be said.

Thank you, sorry to hear how it damaged your relationship. Your words have confirmed to me that I need to protect my relationship with my sibling at all costs.

I know, worrying on so many levels. It's hard to communicate with sibling as cheating spouse is still in the way.

I felt MS was male too, maybe because of the non gendering acronyms, but it doesn't matter as such.

My now XH abused me rather than cheating on me, though I often feel if things like gaslighting go on that cheating can also be a form of abuse, we are split, but I much prefer it when people who know are polite and normal with him. Those who make his behaviour an obvious issue just make the situation harder for me and i have enough shit to deal with without that. I know in part its to show support, but thats not the support i need and its counter productive. I know that wouldn't be everyone's preference, but given MS has taken them back I expect the support they want is for you to play happy families at least on the surface. Maybe focus on what MS needs from you when you see SS next and how the ultimate goal is to support your sibling and since SS sounds controlling maybe to eventually help them leave, you can't do that if they take a big step back because you're not nice to SS. At this stage of things you may well lose that close relationship at least until SS fucks up again if you're not there for them in the way they need.

i think that's the way to position things.

if something goes wrong again, you would want your sibling to know they have your full support in dealing with the fallout, whatever it is.

if you make their lives more difficult or uncomfortable now, they will naturally withdraw from you (probably with some level of encouragement from their spouse - especially if there's control issues).

this would just serve to make them even more vulnerable.

deep breath, plaster on that smile, and support your sibling.

What you do is bite your tongue and support your sibling and their decision.

I think many presumed that MS meant male sibling.

Advice is the same regardless of anyone’s gender. Stay open and supportive for your siblings sake otherwise you may be cutting off an avenue of support to them. If they or their partner pick up on unwelcome vibes they may avoid you going forward.

I get it. I do. I think one of my siblings' spouses is a fucking knob and they haven't even cheated (...so far as I know). But it's not my relationship and not my decision.

I am civil when I see the knob for my sibling's sake. I neither seek them out nor pointedly avoid them, and I save my eye rolls and rants for the privacy of my conversations with DH (who fully concurs). Polite but a little cool will do, but making a big old point of resenting SS will simply add your your sibling's burden and quite possibly extend their relationship because you and MS will lose trust between you. If you really can't manage polite in person and venting elsewhere, you maybe need to seek someone to talk to about how this is bringing up your parents' stuff for you - it's understandable that your natural protective instincts for your siblings are being exacerbated by that context too.

You are going to need to be careful to preserve your relationship with your sibling. In the long term, if sibling and spouse are still together 10 or 20 years from now, you will damage your relationship with your sibling if you have ignored the spouse all that time. You are going to have to be guided by your sibling. If your sibling is keeping this spouse and is "all in", then you will have to be as friendly as you can. Otherwise in the long term, it will be difficult to maintain your desired level of relationship with your sibling.

Even though it stinks like shit, I'd be friendly to the spouse at this time. You will have to vent your emotions to someone else. Whilst the cheating spouse has likely apologised a lot to sibling, you are not going to receive an apology.

I would find this very hard. I can't forgive or forget.

I would be aiming for civil where needed.

it's harder to forgive someone who hurt the person you love than someone who hurt you. Not quite the same as we weren't married but I was in a really awful relationship. We broke up and my family all breathed a sigh of relief. When we got back together my family made it VERY clear they were not happy about it. It caused ALOT of arguments and it when it did fall apart again i ended up dragging it out longer than i should have because i needed to be right and i needed those arguments not to have been in vain.

This is my advice - esp given the latest info about the SS answering the phone - when you get a chance to sit down with your sibling say this:

"Sibling, I love you and I am saying this with love and if you tell me you are happy then I will shut up, support you and never breathe a word about it again but I need to tell you just once that I am concerned about X, Y, Z. And if you want to stay with spouse then that is your choice and I will smile and be civil cos I love you more than anything and I want you to be happy. And if things go wrong then I am here for you day or night. All you need to do is call or turn up at my door".

Every time you have to interact with them ask yourself the same question of 'how would sibling best feel supported right now', and hopefully that will stop your emotions leading the way. It's hard though. Remember also that spouse will be inclined to put a wedge between you if they sense hostility, so for the sake of sibling's ability to stay close to you, consider schmoozing the spouse as work that you need to do (like with a horrible boss).

Sorry OP. Pot and kettle come to mind. I should follow my own advice and read the post properly.
My apologies.

They aren't "resolving their differences", one of them shagged someone else and if Christianity means you have to put up with a cheating spouse then its not something to be encouraged

I assumed it was a woman too. As soon as someone doesn’t identify which sex it is, you know it’s usually the opposite to what people expect.

Thanks for all the comments here, especially from those of you who've experienced something similar. It's helped give me some perspective and realise I need to take my cues from my sibling while at the same time being supportive.
I'll keep the real feelings about the cheating spouse to myself and DH.

I would kill my sisters dh if he did anything.

You need to put it to the side and concentrate on her. Ask her why is settling though but let her know you'll always be there

Can you arrange to meet your sibling regularly, eg once a month for dinner/lunch? Then they know you are a support and you have a window to communicate freely without worrying about texts being read etc.

Not that you would need to discuss their marriage each time but it would be a good way to ensure you stay connected whilst they are going through such a challenging time.

I think I would try and see my sibling on their own periodically for coffee or dinner, and I might be ill at the last minute for the next big family gathering or two. Let some more time elapse / dust settle, for your own sake, before you have to see them.

It IS your sibling’s choice, but it’s ok that you’re finding it hard too, lots of us would.