Cheater

[Amyali]

Im so lost. My husband of 18 years cheated on me last summer, he paid a sex worker. Apparently it was his first time ever he cheated. I found out due to getting STI. Anyways because I am a loser, I forgave him and 6 months later he says he doesn’t want to be with me. He loves me but we are not on the same page. He wants to take a break and see how he feels. So I took his keys and said take a long break and never return. Why am I so stupid. Why do I love a person who has disrespected me time and time again. Why am I like this. I hate myself. I’m such an embarrassment.

He had unprotected sex with a prostitute? Dear God he really has zero respect for you or your sexual health.

Sorry but he’s repulsive and any man who uses a sex worker is scum imo. How could you bear to be within 200 feet of him

I am so sorry you are hurting and you have been betrayed like this. I am not surprised your self esteem isn’t at its best but it is crystal clear that your husband is an embarrassment and you are not!

It is so important that you put all the focus on yourself here. Is there anyone you can talk to? I think some CBT or similar might be helpful here as you seem to have some very negative fixed ideas about yourself which are simply not true.

I hope you feel better soon. Absolutely nobody deserves this treatment. You deserve better!

I know I’m an idiot. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me! Now that his gone my head is like woah.

thank you, I just feel worried for me and my children and how will we financially cope. He will be mean and withhold money. But I do work full
time and will apply for benefits.

I just don’t know why I can’t be strong and stand on and be like no enough is enough.

You're not an idiot and all the other negative things you're saying about yourself. Giving him and your relationship another chance was not an easy option. Decide what you want and just do it. You are in control of yourself. Forget him. He's not your team mate. He's a waste of space and an embarrassment.

It’s really hard to leave an 18-year marriage. I don’t think anyone can blame you for not immediately leaving. Perhaps it is a good time to get things together as best you can. Make sure you have all the important paperwork. If you can get some legal advice it might help, and so you can feel more empowered and prepared whatever you decide. Even focusing on your children might help. Sometimes easier to do something for someone else than for yourself.

My full attention is on working hard at my job and my children’s happiness and wellbeing. I just feel like such a reject. Like you cheated on me and now you don’t want to be with me. I have been nothing but a good wife. My love and emotion overwhelms him. I know my marriage over. His moved out. If he comes crawling I’m scared I’m weak and will let him back but I need to learn to love myself to stand strong and say no.

his cheating isn’t due to you. That’s about him as a person. I know easier said than done but don’t take it personally. He would most likely have done this to any woman he married.

its good that he’s gone as it gives you a chance to think. I hope you have Gloria Gaynor playing on repeat!

My husband of 18 years cheated on me last summer, he paid a sex worker. Apparently it was his first time ever he cheated. I found out due to getting STI

Which STI?

Sex workers usually use condoms for penetrative sex.

Unless it's one that can get around condoms; I'd question that story.

I'd also have my doubts about a single, one off episode of sex with a prostitute resulting in an std.

I have a feeling he made up a story about a sex worker to explain the sti - as the least "bad" type of cheating (not an affair etc) but it could be that he has been cheating with at least one non sex worker, and his decision to walk out the door a few months later, is related to that.
He just wasn't ready to make a move before.

I'd be thinking about his story carefully.

Get that CMS claim in before he gets ideas about being single and carefree!

I took his keys and said take a long break and never return.

Well done, OP. Far from being a loser, you are strong and wise. You gave him a second chance -- that's not stupid but very generous. When he continued you said enough is enough.

Like StrawberryDream, I suspect he may not have had a one-off encounter with a prostitute, but may be having an affair. Either way, it doesn't change the fact that you have got rid of him.

Now you have the chance to build a better life without this weak and dishonest man. I wish you and DC all happiness.

The fault is not in you, it's in him. There is never an excuse to cheat. You need to stop blaming yourself because it's not about you--it's the fact that he's a lying cheat with low morals who deserves no respect whatsoever. Men who cheat do it repeatedly because it isn't about the woman they're with, it's about using and discarding women because it makes them feel powerful. It's very hard, but you will come to realize that you are better off without him.

Firstly, you are far from stupid.
You wanted to believe him because you value what you had prior to him cheating. YOU were loyal because that is what you are when you marry and commit. Your ex clearly just lied to your face, and something tells me he has done this before. No one just decides to cheat on day, its a decision, a thought that is put into the action, and no accident. Its done to for pure self gratification with no thought for the loyal spouse. Remember the ONLY reason he came clean was because you caught something from him.

He may be gone now to test what is out there, and believe me when I say this, he will knock on your door again claiming it was all a mistake, it meant nothing, and he is very sorry. This is again, only done because he will find out that the OW, or whatever is out there, got boring, or he remembered how well he had it with you, and what came with your relationship. So be strong, its not for the love of you if he comes back, but purely for his own benefit.

Get angry, and get your ducks in a row.

He hasn’t left . He knows he can leave and go and play around and be back when it suits.
Please don’t let this man pick you up and drop you as he pleases.
Work on yourself while he is gone. .
(Can you afford a few therapy sessions ) ?

Go on entitledto and see what you can get help with . Can you apply for child support . If so do that asap.
The mOre independent you are the stronger you may feel when he try’s to get back .
Good luck

Find it unlikely that the first and only time he went to a prostitute he caught something.

You love a person who doesn't respect you because you have no respect nor love for yourself. But you are worthy of love and respect. Once in a movie (can't remember which one) I heard this phrase that's stood with me since: "we accept the love we think we deserve".

Please if you cant be strong for yourself be strong for all womankind. Dont let him back in. I was with a man who cheated on me with sex workers and the thing that got me the most was that not only did he cheat but he paid to cheat on me. Over time it will get easier and you will regain confidence.

Thank you all for your replies. I will be strong and I will do it for me. I will not allow this to person to treat me this way. 18 years is a long time, I will heal. I don’t know and il never know if its first time cheating if its sex worker or affair. But what I definitely know is I wouldn’t have know if he wasn’t exposed by me getting chlamydia and gonorrhoea. With not seeing him or speaking to him everyday will help with the distancing. I won’t let him back in. I will do it for me and all the ladies but especially my daughters. If I don’t set an example to them who will right 🥺 I know already but when I gave him and chance and he didn’t show remorse and wasn’t nice to me, I knew then I had to get rid of him.

if he wasn’t exposed by me getting chlamydia and gonorrhoea

So those, to the best of my knowledge, are not sti's that get around condoms easily.

Which would make me think it was not protected sex

Which is - from reading UK punting, reviews by prostitute users - very unusual in the UK.
(Most punters don't even want to have unprotected sex with prostitutes, going by that site. They consider it unwise, given how many men the sex workers are having sex with and the fact that some of them might be drug users).

(Think about it; StI's are common. They are particularly common among people who have sex with multiple partners (men who use sex workers),.
The sex workers aim is to make money, their pimps/handlers etc (if they have them)'s aim is to make money. You don't make money when you're out of action with a nasty dose for days/weeks.
You also risk a punter accusing you of infecting them with stds and writing that on UK punting or similar sites. I've seen a UK punting post claiming a prostitute had a herpes blister in her thigh - which she actually responded to, saying it wasn't a herpes blister - and their "conversation" became an increasingly angry, vitriolic, nasty exchange on that site Essentially he was damaging her business by saying that. So it's not in the interests of sex workers to get or be accused of having STDs).

Was it overseas that he claims this one instance of sex with a prostitute was?

Because otherwise I'd seriously doubt his story.

It sounds like something he made up because he'd been cheating on you with at least one person and wasn't ready to leave yet/at that point.

You're at the very beginning of the end (well the end happened 18 months ago) so go easy on yourself.

You will get stronger as time goes on, you won't tolerate his crap. Have faith that when you need to do what you need to do, you will have the strength to.

The panic you feel is for the life you think you'll lose and the future that's already gone.

It will get better.

Let him go.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is devastating. My ex-husband had an affair and wanted to be with her and dumped me after 18 years together. I felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath my life. We didn’t have any DCs (part of the issue as I struggled with infertility). However the best years of my life were after that! I lost weight, got fitter, healthier, independent then met someone else and had a baby.

You are not stupid or any of those things. You are strong you have taken the keys from him and told him to leave. It is understandable you tried to forgive him in the first place. You have your children and your home and life together however now you need to show your girls that you have to be strong and not allow men to treat you badly. You do not want them growing up thinking that it’s ok to let them cheat and finding a man to do the same to them. Cheating and giving you an STI is unforgivable.

You are now a family of three. Great that you work full-time. Research and find a good solicitor to see ASAP. Find out what you are entitled to and start divorce proceedings. I think you will be empowered doing this and this will help make you feel more in control.

As to the grief that you will experience at the end of this marriage, it will come and go like a wave, some days you will feel like it’s a step forward and others a step back. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself with care. I found exercise helped me a lot as it got rid of the knot in my stomach! I also had counselling which helped me massively as well.

I also read some self-help books Paul McKenna also Rosie Green has done a book recently on her break up. I found reading about people in a similar situation made me feel less alone.

Put on Gloria Gaynor I will survive! I always find that hugely inspiring.

You will get through this and remember to be kind to yourself.

Thank you all for your response. Everyone in my family says you will find someone better. I loved a version of him but I don’t like the person he is now. I don’t want to be with anyone else and I just want to learn to love me and be kind to me. And then whatever will be will be.

it’s just sad that I did everything for that man, loved him a lot. And he didn’t appreciate at me. I just don’t understand why. If someone loved and treated me that way I would be ecstatic. I will be strong for my girls, I need to be an example. I regret giving him another chance. I wish I just ended it back then.

OP - I know people are trying to be positive saying you’ll meet someone else but rushing into a rebound is the absolute worst thing you could do.

You’re absolutely correct in saying that having time alone to be kind to yourself and learning to be happy single is such a gift to yourself and will help you make better choices for your future.

You are not a loser or stupid or anything else that is derogatory. Please stop saying it.

You reacted the best way you could at the time. You were shocked and cheating can cause ptsd in betrayed spouses. You were unlikely to make clear informed decisions when traumatised. You giving him a second chance says a lot about you. You were trying to show forgiving, supportive, you were prepared to understand and forgive. You are the prize. Your ex is a liar and you tried to see the best in him. You are a catch, he’s grim.

You need to forgive yourself. Love yourself like your life depends on it by Ravikant is a good read - do the exercises every day and expect to do them for months.

Use this time to read and understand. Surviving infidelity is a good website.

Work in forgiving YOU. You matter most here as your self esteem is important and your kids need you to like yourself.

Make a list of your values and how you demonstrate them. Rewrite daily and add to it. You aren’t a loser, you are amazing. Put on your favourite songs from
before you knew him and listen on repeat. Wear nice clothes. Look after yourself. And remember you are amazing. Work on you and what you enjoy.

Also brene brown YouTube - shame ted talk. Worth watching.

This traumatic experience may help you in ways you don’t yet know. Life is funny like that. So be kind to yourself.