Okay yall, so we listening and not judging, right? A bit of background : I am 27F , my partner is 30M and we have been together for 8 years now, he has not proposed yet but he indicates he is on the verge very soon. Ok boom, so I did the exact opposite of common sense advice and I … didn’t “ignore” red flags in my relationship, but definitely did not take head to them either . I did not have proper boundaries and self care systems in place to properly protect myself from being negatively impacted by the effects of such red flags. So here I am 2 (+1 on the way) kids later dealing with a massive brain fuck. I convinced myself that as long as I am aware of the red flags in my relationship from the beginning we can address them and move on someday in the future. Little did I know the whole time I was taking slaps to the face and turning the other cheek I was also changing the way I value myself. My value started to depend on his approval and i didn’t even realize it for the longest but all the negative thoughts I had about myself and my shortcomings stemmed from his opinions that they made me less of a good wife and that I am not as committed to him as he is to me since I struggle to be intentional about him. (Giving myself grace though because admittedly he was not exuding the kind of energy that demanded the type of compassion he sought (his anger and trust issues were very difficult to overlook and still feel connected) .. okay, so this is all the red flags I have notice:
🚩easily angered
🚩insecure about cheating
🚩 not trusting my truth
🚩flirting with girls on social media— going as far as messaging old flings telling them he wish things were different and even suggesting to come by to cuddle/mess around with several females
🚩when confronted about disloyal messages he was stating it would stop, yet it never stopped
🚩 cheating “scandal” while pregnant with first child , allegedly another girl had his baby
🚩inability to comprehend/ support mental health needs, laughing when I talked about it
🚩getting an std and being confronted about me cheating knowing he was the one cheating (gas lighting in its prime)
🚩finding out he got ANOTHER girl pregnant and had been having an affair over course of past couple years with her although he said he cut her off after I found messages between them in past
🚩lying to my face when asking if he spoken to / seen any of the girls I caught him cheating with
🚩 believing that women should get an abortion when father is not ready to take responsibility for his mistakes
🚩 doesn’t take time to read bible / pray together
🚩gets defensive when I speak about my feelings
🚩does not have a unified approach to problem solving, meaning he thinks I should only be concerned about maintaining the house and kids and my own business and stay out of his business and financial plans , which leaves a lot of room for division in relationship
🚩telling me if I was better at taking care of home and being intimate with him then he wouldn’t have felt drawn away from us (prime blame shifting excuse)
My red flags are that I am a people pleaser, socially awkward (very timid in social settings that demand self confidence), lack discipline and I have mismanaged ADHD symptoms (which is vicariously infecting his mental capacity to manage everything going on).. might have more but that’s the main things I feel contribute to my lack of relationship success.
I know it is A LOT OF BULLSHIT !! But … I really still have faith that choosing to love through hell or high water can revive our relationship so we can start over new and can be happily married knowing we sorted through all of our issues together and can confidently say we trust the others ability to love and support unconditionally and be happy with the husband/wife we become.
I know most people would say just leave the man and find someone to treat me right the first time around… but The Advice I seek is more along the lines how do I go about setting boundaries for myself to address problems like those listed above, and how can I stand on those boundaries without being offensive? I understand that how he reacts to my new boundaries is going to determine the future of our relationship but the boundaries need to be set in place because our current operations are going to run us both crazy.