Navigating Red Flags

[PandaBear97]

Okay yall, so we listening and not judging, right? A bit of background : I am 27F , my partner is 30M and we have been together for 8 years now, he has not proposed yet but he indicates he is on the verge very soon. Ok boom, so I did the exact opposite of common sense advice and I … didn’t “ignore” red flags in my relationship, but definitely did not take head to them either . I did not have proper boundaries and self care systems in place to properly protect myself from being negatively impacted by the effects of such red flags. So here I am 2 (+1 on the way) kids later dealing with a massive brain fuck. I convinced myself that as long as I am aware of the red flags in my relationship from the beginning we can address them and move on someday in the future. Little did I know the whole time I was taking slaps to the face and turning the other cheek I was also changing the way I value myself. My value started to depend on his approval and i didn’t even realize it for the longest but all the negative thoughts I had about myself and my shortcomings stemmed from his opinions that they made me less of a good wife and that I am not as committed to him as he is to me since I struggle to be intentional about him. (Giving myself grace though because admittedly he was not exuding the kind of energy that demanded the type of compassion he sought (his anger and trust issues were very difficult to overlook and still feel connected) .. okay, so this is all the red flags I have notice:

🚩easily angered
🚩insecure about cheating
🚩 not trusting my truth
🚩flirting with girls on social media— going as far as messaging old flings telling them he wish things were different and even suggesting to come by to cuddle/mess around with several females
🚩when confronted about disloyal messages he was stating it would stop, yet it never stopped
🚩 cheating “scandal” while pregnant with first child , allegedly another girl had his baby
🚩inability to comprehend/ support mental health needs, laughing when I talked about it
🚩getting an std and being confronted about me cheating knowing he was the one cheating (gas lighting in its prime)
🚩finding out he got ANOTHER girl pregnant and had been having an affair over course of past couple years with her although he said he cut her off after I found messages between them in past
🚩lying to my face when asking if he spoken to / seen any of the girls I caught him cheating with
🚩 believing that women should get an abortion when father is not ready to take responsibility for his mistakes
🚩 doesn’t take time to read bible / pray together
🚩gets defensive when I speak about my feelings
🚩does not have a unified approach to problem solving, meaning he thinks I should only be concerned about maintaining the house and kids and my own business and stay out of his business and financial plans , which leaves a lot of room for division in relationship
🚩telling me if I was better at taking care of home and being intimate with him then he wouldn’t have felt drawn away from us (prime blame shifting excuse)

My red flags are that I am a people pleaser, socially awkward (very timid in social settings that demand self confidence), lack discipline and I have mismanaged ADHD symptoms (which is vicariously infecting his mental capacity to manage everything going on).. might have more but that’s the main things I feel contribute to my lack of relationship success.

I know it is A LOT OF BULLSHIT !! But … I really still have faith that choosing to love through hell or high water can revive our relationship so we can start over new and can be happily married knowing we sorted through all of our issues together and can confidently say we trust the others ability to love and support unconditionally and be happy with the husband/wife we become.

I know most people would say just leave the man and find someone to treat me right the first time around… but The Advice I seek is more along the lines how do I go about setting boundaries for myself to address problems like those listed above, and how can I stand on those boundaries without being offensive? I understand that how he reacts to my new boundaries is going to determine the future of our relationship but the boundaries need to be set in place because our current operations are going to run us both crazy.

😱😱😱😟

You've accepted a lot of red flags. Recognising red flags is only useful if you end the relationship, otherwise they just keep waving merrily while he gets woman no.3 pregnant.
He winy change, if you want to stay with him I'd stop looking for red flags and put your rose tinted spectacles on instead.

I don't think rose tinted glasses would cut it with this guy.

A lobotomy is what the op needs if she stays with him.

Op, trauma like this will affect your mental and physical health, no matter how hard you try to not let it.

You're being damaged by something, the self preserving part of you, the part that wants to look after you - is trying to get you away from the source of the damage. That's why you can write the list. That's why you're posting on a forum.

You're hurt, you're angry, you're unhappy, you're unsettled, you're traumatised ....
And you SHOULD be. This "man" not a safe partner.

Listen to the part of you that is trying to look after you & stand up for you.

This is not right, none of this is right; you know that. Even if he changed tomorrow (which he won't) it wouldn't undo what he's done. And what he's done is high up on the league of immoral behaviour.

His general opinions - and the values behind them - are despicable. They speak of someone missing basic morality.

His excuses for cheating on you are cheater script.
Older than the pyramids - cheater script.

The vast majority of cheating victims have heard them. Cheaters, by their nature, are selfish, lacking empathy, entitled, low integrity, and poor at taking responsibility for their own choices and behaviour. Easier to make excuses and blame others. That's what they do.
They could have left, end of story.
They didn't have to.cheat.
No-one ever has to cheat.

Everyone has faults, noone is perfect; they're not an excuse to cheat on them.

(Think about what a normal, decent person who was committed to a relationship and faithful would do if they were unhappy about things in their relationship...... They wouldn't cheat. They would try to work it out and leave if they couldn't work it out over a reasonable time period).

Thing is, OP, if you're still reading. A boundary isn't about restricting what the other person does. You can't. They decide that essentially. It's about deciding what you'll tolerate and walking away if the other person breaches that. Cheating and a lot of other stuff on your list is usually implicit. How do you now draw a boundary to exclude all of that if what you want is to stay? It's not really possible as you've shown you'll put up so you learn to like it. How and why would you do that? Your life and dignity are precious and you can do much, much better. Being alone with the kids is much better. I would step by step start working out what I need to do to leave this mess.

believing that women should get an abortion when father is not ready to take responsibility for his mistakes

he thinks I should only be concerned about maintaining the house and kids and my own business and stay out of his business and financial plans

These are some of his values.

Do you think be believes in equality?

I sure don't get the impression he does.

Why are you expecting to have a good relationship with a man who believes men should not have to take responsibility for impregnating women, and who believes a woman should be excluded from pertinent information about the finances etc. in her household.

He thinks women are inferior.
He thinks they should do as they are told.
He thinks he can exploit them sexually.
He thinks he has the right to pressure them into aborting fetuses he doesn't want when he impregnates them

He also justifies cheating on his partner not having sex with him "enough".

Three kids (?); seems like you were having sex enough. Plus sex lives take a hit when a couple is dealing with young kids, that's understandable. A decent person understands that.
And he has hands, right? He can masturbate. A partner is not a sex appliance.

... And also that she didn't take care of the home well enough. I'd be interested to know what "enough" was on that front. I have a feeling it's absolute bullshit.

Besides, even if the place was a tip (which is not hard with young kids); no faithful, decent person would cheat because of that.

Excuses, excuses.
Excuses he thinks a woman will feel bad about - because he presumes she sees herself as he sees women - as sex appliances and domestic appliances.

(Sex appliances that you send to the abortion clinic if they inconveniently get pregnant).

This is who he is.

These are his beliefs and values.

No woman is having a fair, respectful, good relationship with this dude.