I've realised I could actually leave him

[okydokethen]

24 years in. It's too hard, it's fine sometimes but mostly horrible. It used to sway from great to bad and then I'd help him over the latest 'problem' and think that was it but the problems, the stress, the anger just keeps coming. I've tried to keep my head down and get on with it. But I'm in my 40s - what am I doing?

I've read, but never really understood 'you have to make yourself happy', my happiness has always come from my children, friends and my job, my home (and depending on his mood, my DH) as my children are getting older (11 and 14) I see I can't rely on them to make me happy - they have their own lives and need a happy mum.

We have an incredible house which when renovations are finished will be a lifetime ambition of mine, a real accomplished and somewhere I would love to my dying day, so proudly! But what's a house when it's not a home? I wanted to gift it to my children when they are older they'd have about 500k each left over. But today I just want to leave it to him, he could finish the renovations and when he sells give the money to the children. I could rent somewhere simple, have a small, simple and hopefully calm life.

I don't think I want the money, I just want peace. I want to come home and not tread on egg shells or dread the drive home, I'm so full of anxiety but it's tipped into depression and I can't keep going like this.

I have effectively orchestrated a separation already over the last three years hoping that this would be enough to keep me going - separate bedrooms/social lives/holidays and really only struggle on Sundays with his temper.

I'm so unhappy, I don't care what anyone thinks or says about us as a 'perfect couple'. I just want my children to be ok. Loosing them would be the end of me, I wouldn't go to court I don't want anything, I just want it to stop.

This reads like you're in an abusive relationship with him and it has led to you further developing anxiety and depression. He is using his temper to keep you and in turn your children to be down, fearful and acquiescent. I would also think he is all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world and is also not nasty all the time. His nice/nasty cycle of abuse however, is a continuous one.

I would pay a visit to the GP asap and use them also as a paper trail to document his abuses of you.

I would also contact Womens Aid too as a matter of priority.

Your children will be ok if you divorce him but he won't make any moves to separate from you because he likes having you around to cook and clean for him along with abuse as he sees fit. He will just snivel to others saying, "oh she left me".

What was your childhood like OP?. I am guessing it was not ideal at all. You also met this man when you were a child yourself. It has been people around you (probably your parents) who wanted you to be primarily responsible for their own happiness. Happiness comes from within; you've relied on others to make you happy and or feel validated in yourself. That only works up to a point.

You are married to this man and have rights in law; you really do need to exercise those fully and come away with a good settlement not just for you but for your children too. You are not happy in yourself and you will not be as long as you and he remain together.

Your children have seen both you and he together and sound travels; what do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They also need to learn that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You would not want them to be in a relationship like this as adults and it's not good enough for you either.

Keep posting here too; you need a safe outlet and seek help. You have to be brave and take that first and often the most hardest of steps out and on your own but you can do it. You have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here.

I just wanted to tell you that you are going to be ok. It seems the most impossible thing, to leave and start over, but once you come to terms with the need to do just that, and get the ball rolling, everything works out.

You will be ok.

I left a narcissist 7 years ago at 47. It was difficult and I was guilt ridden for my son but it was the best thing I ever did.

Do you want the next 24 years to be like the last 24?

Read up on what cortisol does to a child. I have to live with the effects of childhood trauma every day.

Your kids will also be walking on eggshells, scared in their own home. They will think this is normal.

The sooner the divorce is sorted, the sooner your kids can begin the long road of therapy and trying to heal.

leaving is rough, no two ways about it. But it’s temporary. (I also gave up my dream self build to leave XDH, and I would do it again in a heartbeat).

you sound very emotional at the moment. Give yourself a little time to get rational and practical. It’s all very well saying you don’t want the money, but you’ve a long future ahead of you and the children to think of. You have worked hard over the years, your children and you deserve to benefit from that. And anyway the court won’t rubber stamp a settlement that it thinks disadvantages you and/or the kids.

It seems so hard to leave, everything on here makes it sound so simple. Just saying to him I want to go will be explosive, he won't hold anything back from the children, I feel I'd need to tell them first but that's not healthy or right.

I wanted to hold on just a bit longer until DS is more teen than the very young boy he is. My big fear is DC will feel dreadful for their dad, they really love him, he can be wonderful with them. They will politely say they'd like 50/50 or for my DS to live with him - he's closer to me I think but he's pulled to his dad as he really wants his love and approval, I can see it so clearly but DH can be so unpredictable with him, less so with DD.

The rent alone where I live will be 2k for nothing special. Not to mention I've never lived alone my whole adult life, he's helped with everything (in a genuine way) and he really has in so many ways he's helped me and I think this was what I needed and I also 'look after' him.

My childhood wasn't dreadful, middle class divorced parents, they were very focused on themselves and i feel I was neglected in someways, sometimes to do with money and sometimes to do with my mum being more focused on herself and my dad being very 'odd' it's the only description, probably would be considered autistic now. I've tried really hard to be a better mum.

We can't sell the house as it is, I can't stay in it as he is the one doing the renovations. I imagine it will take another 2 years to do.

I just want to go without any more fuss, just quietly agree that it's not working. I know he will explode and I can't face it. I don't argue or shout I sometimes say my bit but otherwise I just take it.

If you want to stay in the house, you absolutely can.

Please don’t go quietly thinking this will get you into an easier or more peaceable separation. Separations from lovely, calm, non-aggressive men can turn mean too. The idea of going quietly is your brain’s way of telling you that if you take up less space he will be nice to you, which is likely a learned trait from your marriage.

Start as you mean to go on, with a cool head and with excellent financial advice, and thinking of / putting yourself and the children first.

It sounds like you have done a lot of planning but have you spoken to a solicitor / barrister you trust yet? The house can be sold part finished if it has to be. And you can carry on living in it even while he does the repairs if you want to. But decide what you want to do on your terms, please?

I didnt think I could do it either, and spent about 10 years unhappy and then another 5 years very seriously unhappy. But I did it, and fyi both XDH and i are very happily remarried.

Leaving is like childbirth - it can be messy, humiliating and painful, but it’s a temporary state. Afterwards comes long term happiness. Like childbirth, it’s a lot easier to manage if you are well prepared.

Assume 50:50 with the children, at least to start with, given they have a good relationship. So no maintenance from him to you.

Can you afford to rent somewhere suitable for you and the children while he carries on with the house renovations?
If so, could you find somewhere and be ready to move at the time you tell him it’s over?

Longer term, could he afford to buy you out of the house? What other assets do you share?

Might be a surprise in store if he meets another woman, marries her, he dies and she leaves everything to her kids. It happens all the time!

Protect your children. Get half the money and YOU leave it to them. It's the only way you can be sure!

Even if you stay together you can't guarantee they will get anything if you die first.

You're about young enough to be my daughter.

Do you want your next 20+ years to be the same so by the time you're my age you've suffered decades more of this, and your children have watched?

You only have a handful of years left with them as dependent children. They'll be off living their own lives in the blink of an eye, then you'll be left staring at each other.

You've had excellent advice here.

I would say, get a confidential consultation with a good solicitor. Find out your RIGHTS - because you have them.

I would not hold on till your children are that bit older either, that is really you kicking the can down the road.

Waiting a couple more years just gives this man more opportunity to abuse you all. Your son is being emotionally harmed by his dad already and is seeking his father’s approval, approval he will never give. You’re already ground down as it is, what will another two years or more abuse from him do to you all?.

your kids feel dreadful now because they live in a house that is more akin to a war zone. They are not happy there and it’s not their fault their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

The house does not have to be fully renovated either in order for it to be sold. Some buyers like a project and they would readily take on renovations. Also what is put in if it was a new bathroom for instance would likely be ripped out by buyers if the house was sold.

You’ve been profoundly affected by your parents own poor marriage. You have a choice here re this man, they do not. Find yourself a solicitor you can work with.

Your parents did not bother to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and the fact is you still do not know. You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships from them.

You can, you can have a will in place.

Op. I understand much of what you have written and I'm in a similar situation with similar aged dc. Also married a long time.

I too, have a sizeable house - not as big or grand as yours but nevertheless a generous sized house in a good area. It has taken many years to get to this point. However, I can't go on like this. I want to trade a big house for peace (I will still be able to afford a decent sized house). My heart has gone out of the house now, it doesn't feel like home and in effect, I have also gone through the motions of seperation over the past few years.

I would have ideally liked my dc to be a couple of years older however, making the move next year means that important exams aren't going to be affected. I think making the move sooner rather than later would be best in the grand scheme of things because I can't go on like this for several more years and you too might want to be mindful that exams will fast approach.

I would claim your share of the house op. Get as much as you can as you will need it going forward. Don't forget any pensions involved. People get aggressive around money, there is no gaurantee your husband will leave anything to your dc. The best thing you can do is to get as much out as you can for you. It sounds like your dc will be okay and honestly, no amount of money is worth peace of mind.

I also have anxiety around not seeing my dc. My husband has attempted to weaponise my children but I think if anything they will pull towards me later on.

I have been affected by my parents awful marriage. Eventually they divorced after many years. I don't want my own dc to think this is what love is or what a good relationship looks like. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of emotional abuse in this relationship also coercieve control. I am not married to an honest man but I am married to an avoidant one. I couldn't see any of this early on in my relationship. I have taken a long time to reach this point so I know it isn't easy but for me now, there is no alternative but to leave. I'm quietly getting my ducks in a row.

@ashiftingstormcloud thank you.

Exams are a very good point. I have bright, capable children who will do really well but homework is a tricky thing here - I can't help them with their maths, DH is brilliant at maths but an awful teacher - his 'help' ends with him shouting and DC crying. He is also against tutors as it's elitism. If we separate I'd pay for GCSE maths tutors gladly!

What I would want is to rent whilst he lives in the house and finishes work, this means kids could still enjoy the lovely garden/have their local friends over and do things they like doing with DH easily like mountain biking - and whenever it might be ready to sell and then split the money between us or directly to the children. We both own the house so he couldn't sell without me. Also I hope wills cover the issue of inheritance.

Don’t rely on hope, seek legal advice on such matters re divorce and inheritance.

And why should he remain in the home whilst you (with the kids) rent?. He will just string out these renovations even longer at your overall expense if you’re waiting for him to finish them. You could get trades in to finish the job.

He is and will continue to use every weapon in his arsenal to punish you whilst hurting the kids at the same time. He mountain biking with them is not going to at all cut it when he shouts at them re their maths. He’s not exactly parent of the year is he?. And he is no husband to you either.

I would think your kids do not have their friends in their house often because they are both embarrassed and ashamed (wrongly) of what’s happening at home.

Their current home like is stressful and will undoubtedly affect their potential re exams going forward. Not just to say life chances Again you have a choice re this man, they do not.

Maybe I’m naive or lucky but I haven’t found the dc that affected by the separation. My dc carried on doing well at school and as long as they had a room, computer and access to their friends they were fine. ExH used to shout at dc and me and have no patience with homework and massively overreacted if dc didn’t do as he asked immediately. I am hugely relieved he was not around for their teen years as he wouldn’t have handled the typical teen behaviours well. I often felt like a referee and both dc said separately and unprompted while they were sad we split up the house was much calmer. Much of his behaviour was because he didn’t enjoy being a parent he’s too lazy and selfish. He’s actually a much better part time parent. The dc didn’t want to live with him and he didn’t want anything like 50:50. I also left when I felt it was making me depressed and I knew my dc needed one happy /functioning parent. You would be doing it for your dc as well as you and it’s not a bad life lesson for them to see it’s ok to have boundaries in relationships and ok to end something that isn’t working any more.

@grumpyoldeyeore - that's exactly what I wanted to hear! I also imagine teen years will be more challenging, my DD is 14 but she's a very 'good/young' 14 and that will vary no doubt!
They really do have their friends around, it's a non issue as DH is very friendly. I don't think he always wants to be the arsehole he is - but he can't cope with stress at all - and takes it out on us. It's dreadful but it's also not the whole picture if that makes sense. Him having good bits doesn't make for a good marriage but certainly the kids also see, know and want the bits they love.

A maths tutor is the way to go op regarding the maths. It doesn't sound like your husband is a good teacher anyway.

I would be careful about letting him stay in the house. I think this will root your children to him even more and he will use it especially if he is already weaponsing them (I thought like you then thought this through a bit more and instict tells me it isn't a good move). Also, if you are renting, you will be eating through your capital presumably unless you have a good source of income. Be wary of this because in my situation although I want to get out asap. I will be relying on the capital from savings/house to do so and I want to buy a house outright if this makes sense.

It's so, so difficult. Few people are 'all bad' but my husband is not good enough for me because of his abusive behaviour towards me. We have also grown apart over the years. What was acceptable then, is not acceptable now. There is no connection and together with his behaviour, there is no going back. I have also had my part to play of course. But having my own neglectful and abusive upbringing did not set me up well upon entering this relationship in the first place.

You can, if you have a legal will leaving your share to the children.

Today I've got really low tyre pressure maybe a flat - every part of me would just normally call DH to fix it - he is a helper, he's at his best when there's a problem! It's just living and finding joy he's not good with. I guess all his validation growing up in a large family, financially supporting many of them throughout the years to the present day is what makes him like being helpful. If I was ever ill I'd be in great hands - but I need him to be great for a day trip or a holiday or bloody homework!
I'd need a basis car survival course if I was single.

This sounds so much like me, we're still together though but I'm probably at the seriously unhappy stage now and have been for a while

No, no, no, to letting him have the house in the hope he'll leave it to the kids, while you rent somewhere. He could remarry, forget to write a will and the kids would lose out. It doesn't make sense at all.

If you left him, is he likely to down tools and not do any more work?

Very similar situation. With the added discovery that whilst we rent, he is sitting on a massive inheritance and rattling around in a huge house. Don't expect him to be decent or forthcoming, would be my advice.