24 years in. It's too hard, it's fine sometimes but mostly horrible. It used to sway from great to bad and then I'd help him over the latest 'problem' and think that was it but the problems, the stress, the anger just keeps coming. I've tried to keep my head down and get on with it. But I'm in my 40s - what am I doing?
I've read, but never really understood 'you have to make yourself happy', my happiness has always come from my children, friends and my job, my home (and depending on his mood, my DH) as my children are getting older (11 and 14) I see I can't rely on them to make me happy - they have their own lives and need a happy mum.
We have an incredible house which when renovations are finished will be a lifetime ambition of mine, a real accomplished and somewhere I would love to my dying day, so proudly! But what's a house when it's not a home? I wanted to gift it to my children when they are older they'd have about 500k each left over. But today I just want to leave it to him, he could finish the renovations and when he sells give the money to the children. I could rent somewhere simple, have a small, simple and hopefully calm life.
I don't think I want the money, I just want peace. I want to come home and not tread on egg shells or dread the drive home, I'm so full of anxiety but it's tipped into depression and I can't keep going like this.
I have effectively orchestrated a separation already over the last three years hoping that this would be enough to keep me going - separate bedrooms/social lives/holidays and really only struggle on Sundays with his temper.
I'm so unhappy, I don't care what anyone thinks or says about us as a 'perfect couple'. I just want my children to be ok. Loosing them would be the end of me, I wouldn't go to court I don't want anything, I just want it to stop.