Husband and his friend - Lap dancing club

[Sammy8080]

We are going away for a shortbreak with another couple abroad which was my idea to give the opportunity for one of our friends to show us around her home country. I have my suspicions her husband and mine are planning to go to a lapdancing club, as her husband said they will sit in a bar, whilst we go shopping. My husband agreed, he knows I hate shopping, I am not hugely close with his wife, my aim was essentially to sightsee and spend time together as couples. I morally disagree with these clubs and upset that I think my husband would go behind my back as he is aware my views on these things. I have no evidence yet that this is the case, But I know I am going to be worried the whole time there they are going to sneak off and I know exaclty what they are doing or have any confrontation with my husband. I feel it is a lack of trust and if I raise it will fuel the desire to want to do stuff behind my back. I know we shouldnt sit in each ohter pockets and he wants to spend time with his friend, but I not sure if to say anything before or see what happens.

Why do you think sitting in a bar while you shop means they will visit a lap dancing club?

Just say you don’t want to spend a short break shopping when you could be sightseeing. I hate shopping, I enjoy tourist shopping at the seaside but clothes etc is not something I would want todo.

i would work out a list of things you would like todo as a couple or group and stick to it, if the other husband kicks up then question, tell him your away with your DH and friends and want to stay together

That's a bit of a jump to think they're going to see strippers when you're shopping? You say you have no evidence, is there anything that's made you think this at all?

If you think that could happen, have a word with him before you go and tell him it’s not happening and you are not going. Does he have form for you to think this?

You have your suspicions, why? With no evidence what is making you think this?

Is there a reason you have these suspicions/do your husband and his friend have form for this behaviour? If one of my (I am male) friends suggested we go to a strip club in the middle of the day while our wives were shopping I'd assume he'd taken a recent blow to the head

I don't understand why you aren't having a conversation with your DH about this.

You say he already knows your views on lap dancing/ strip clubs? If you make it clear to him that you have boundaries about them then you would hope that if your suspicions about his planned outing with his friend are correct and he goes ahead with it you will know the level of his respect, or lack of it, that he holds for you.

Tbh I don't understand why you have planned a short holiday with this couple. Yu say you aren't close to the wife and their interests - shopping and appoarently sexual entertainment venues - don't seem compatible with yours so why are you even going with them at all?

Why are you so suspicious? Big jump to assume sitting in a bar while you go shopping equates to a lap dancing club?

So you have no prrloof yet you have made all this up on your head, i would say you have bigger problems if you dont trust him when he has not done anything wrong

Why is this odd holiday even happening? You don’t really know the people you’re going with well, you don’t like the activities they want to do, and your own relationship is poor enough right now that your immediate response to your husband suggesting he sit in a bar with another bloke is that he’s going to be sneaking off to a strip club and having lap dances. It sounds like a shit show before it’s even begun. Knock it on the head and cancel - if for no other reason than you’re going to make the holiday incredibly weird and awkward for this other poor couple if you’re going to be arguing with your OH and making accusations about strip clubs the moment he’s out of your sight. None of you need this.

The dripfeed being that the wife is Dutch

What a strange post - there must be background to this. In no reality ever would I think my DH and a friend would go to a lap dancing club in any situation actually, but certainly not during the day while I was shopping. Wouldn't cross my mind. There most be more to why you think this.

Men saying they will go to a bar doesn't automatically mean they are going to a strip club. That is an odd assumption.

Unless there is something we are missing?

I don't get why your mind has immediately skipped to lap dancing club?

But aside from that - I'd be annoyed that anyone would assume that I'd want to go shopping- tedious waste of time imo- let alone organise for my DH to spend the time in a bar.

I think I'd be saying quite clearly that no thank you, I don't want to go shopping, DH and I would like to sight see. I'd probably even back out of the trip if necessary.

OP, unless there is some previous experience you have not told us about, you sound utterly paranoid.
Are you alright? I have the funny feeling there is more to this.
Spill the beans already!

Really helpful thanks. Just some context, my husband friend is quite misogynistic and shared just recently about wanting to go to a burlesque event with my husband, husband was saying I am in.. When my husband raised that that his friend wanted to sit in a bar, he was encouraging me to go shopping when clear I was there is sightsee and knows I hate shopping. Not here to control what everyone does, if anything I going to sightsee and see what he wants to do.

So you've no evidence they'll be going to a strip bar? Seems a bit of a leap!

Has he done this before?

I'm not sure wanting to go to a burlesque show makes you misogynistic.
I've been to a few with my husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

Indeed, it's a huge leap. They probably just want to sit in a bar and have a beer rather than being dragged around the shops. I don't blame them! If you hate shopping too just say politely "To be honest, I'd love to join you at the bar. I don't enjoy shopping and don't want to waste holiday time shopping".

You are jumping the gun here. No one has said anything about a lap dancing club. Is it Amsterdam? I’m just back from a trip there with dh. We had a lovely time. Tell your dh you want to spend time with him and do some sightseeing, eating out etc. Give the man a chance!

Some weird assertions here actually. Firstly that you immediately jump to thinking they’ll be going to a strip club but secondly that you’re saying your friends husband is misogynistic for saying he wanted to go to a burlesque show but that your husband apparently isn’t despite saying he wanted to go too?
Use your words and say you’re not that bothered about going shopping and that you’d rather do xyz. Weird that you’d rather be dictated to about what your trip will look like then stew on it and assume that the men will be off to a strip club!

I agree, there was an "and" in my sentence, not related. His behaviour is misogynistic, I have seen his behaviour with previous wives and call him out on it.

His behaviour is misogynistic, I have seen his behaviour with previous wives and call him out on it.

But the point still stands. Why have you assumed that 'pub' actually means 'strip club'?

If you dislike him and you don't feel close to his wife, why are you going away with both of them? Can't think of anything worse.

From your initial OP it seems a bit of a reach.
But I would just say you don't think you'll be shopping long so ask him to let you know which bar they're in so you can come and join!