A Hot Mess

[nathaliespace]

I am in a total mess of a situation and I would so love to hear if anyone else has navigated anything similar and how they came out the other end. It's a long one so please bear with me...

I've been with my husband for 17 years. We have a 3.5 year old son who is the light of our lives and we adore. Until 6 months ago, we were living in a shabby little 2 bed ex council flat in a fairly grotty neighbourhood in East London that we bough in 2017, and that our child was born in. During the pandemic we had the classic conversation about moving from London and that idea kind of grew.

Last January we decided to put our flat on the market but to move within London. We were struggling with trying to navigate where in the city to move to within our budget. I had handed my notice in for my salaried job that I hated in order to go freelance but had negotiated a 6 month notice period in order to use it for a mortgage. Somewhere along the way I started looking at properties in Newcastle (where I'm from and my parents still are). I sent my mum to a viewing on a property and we rashly put an offer in on house we hadn't seen and got it. Then we made a trip to see it and hated it so pulled out but kept looking in earnest in the neighbourhood until we found somewhere we liked and got an offer accepted. This was May last year. In March last year, we were not having much interest on our flat so we offered it to the council who offered a good price and we agreed a sale - to complete in August. We decided to move into a rental in Newcastle while the sale on the house we'd been accepted on went through.

The big thing is that as soon as this all got real last May I had majorly cold feet about leaving London and started trying to talk to my husband about pulling out. This is where it got bad. He couldn't handle the idea and we were having CRAZY rows. I felt like I couldn't get him to talk seriously about it and I was getting majorly confused and increasingly anxious. I kept trying to bring it up and he wouldn't allow it, said I was just scared/overreacting/hormonal and we needed to go ahead. I felt bamboozled and my gut feeling was bad but I kept talking myself back round and we did it. The week before we moved I both left my job and discovered I was pregnant. The rows has been getting so bad that the week before that, that I'd been thinking about leaving my husband and trying to buy a flat on my own with our son. But he talked me round and we moved. It was HORRENDOUS. The night we arrived here I was up all night, felt like my stomach was tearing in two with grief and full on wrenching sobs. This feeling didn't stop/hasn't stopped and my husband's reaction was to fight with me about it. Apparently I was overreacting. I tried to talk to him about stopping the sale of the flat but he talked me round and that went through.

I didn't feel better and decided to abort the baby - with his blessing. That was awful. It happened at 9 weeks, 6 days. Terrible. Then the house we were buying here fell through (I was relieved). Then in October last year I saw a house on the market here that seemed nice and we went for that one. I was still in a state really and definitely not thinking straight but was desperately seeking some kind of stability. Half our stuff is in storage and we don't like the flat we're in. This whole time though, I've been vocal that I don't want to be here, I can't get over the circumstances of the move, I feel like my life got ruptured against my will and I just want to go home and back to what we had. For a while I was so upset that I blamed my husband for the abortion because I felt like if he had let us pause the move as I'd wanted then I would have been in a place to have the baby.

Anyway, fast forward to now - I still desperately want to go back to my old life and bitterly regret selling our flat. I've been unable to talk sensibly to my husband about it as he flips out every time and won't allow a calm discussion of options. I've decided now that I want to pull out of the house purchase here and I've been trying to talk to him about that for the last month and haven't been able to without massive rows again - he thinks I'm crazy, 'wrong', 'would definitely be making a terrible mistake'. It feels like a repeat of the rows last summer in the lead up to the move, and they were deeply traumatic. So we're here again. And it's made me really question our marriage as I'm starting to feel emotionally manipulated. I now think that we should trial separate. But I'm appalled at the idea that I might get marooned up in Newcastle - our child starts school in September, I am reliant on my husband now for a mortgage as I only went self employed in august, we sold out London flat so nowhere to go back to and will get priced out as sale proceeds are just sitting in the bank, he doesn't want to go back to London, and I don't think anyway that we could afford two London properties. Rent would be at least double what our mortgage was on the flat we sold.

I'm wondering if anyone has ever had a situation where a relocation has caused the breakdown of their marriage and how they a) got back to where thy were living before with child and co-parent in tow or b) made it work dealing with the breakdown of a marriage somewhere new with no friends? I would honestly give anything to wind the clock back and refuse to sell our flat. I could've afforded to buy him out. But obviously that isn't possible now. I feel so miserable and desperate and angry at myself for allowing this to happen.

And to add before it's suggested: we've been in couple's therapy since last July and I have 1:1 therapy too.

Gosh I've got to be honest, I sympathise with your DH and all your flopping about changing your mind! That would drive me mad, let alone blaming him for not fixing mistakes /decisions that you have made. And now you want to leave him....

I'm not sure you are being reasonable. Were you happy with your DH before the decided to move?

You seem very anxious/unsettled/panicking but any move or big change takes time. There will be positives to Newcastle, assume you can afford a larger house, closer to family, safer city for your son to grow up in. Can you list any positives?

I'm wondering if your panic is due to the big change in your working situation, the sense of vulnerability and lack of purpose or insecurity due to finances.

Jesus. Your poor husband. And child.
Seeing as you’re from Newcastle and ended up in London you know it’s not an awful place to live like you’re making it out to be. I’m guessing you’re in a pretty nice house too seeing as you’ve sold up from London and have money ‘sitting in the bank’. Get yourself back down to London. Get yourself a flat. Leave the husband in Newcastle with your child? Visit them at weekends?

You sound like incredibly hard work. I feel sorry for your DH tbh. Stay in therapy. Why did you decide to terminate your pregnancy? I’m struggling to get my head round that one.

Stop arguing with your husband. It's not fair on your kid.

If you can't stop arguing then you need to divorce and work on co-parenting.

It sounds like you've pushed for big changes then changed your mind at the last minute. That sounds very frustrating and I'm not surprised your husband isn't open to discussion anymore. But you have a kid who hasn't asked for any of this drama and anger so you both need to start putting your child first.

Sorry, but I feel really sorry for your OH.

I'm from Newcastle, so I may be biased here....presumably it's cheaper to buy up here? There are some lovely areas, do you think it's that you haven't found the right area? Have you looked Tyne Valley - Hexham or similar? It's unsettling moving areas, but do you not think your OH and child deserve a chance at the life you originally wanted.

How has your mental health been previous to all of this stress? As your OP comes across as anxious/impulsive and somewhat manic.
Your DH needs to find the mental space to speak calmly with you about all this, however it feels like you've done lots of impulsive things , not necessarily bad decisions but badly planned and not thought through.

Therapy 1:1 is a good start but I'm sure there's more to this story, surely

I'm really sorry for your loss and the situation you are in, OP 🙏 It definitely sounds very hard. I have no experience with the exact situation, but I know very well the feeling of not being able to comunicate with your significant other and it's awful. I'm curious: how's couple's therapy going? Are you able to bring the issue there?

I don't think this is about the location at all. You got cold feet and rather than slow things down and give you time to adjust your dh has shut you down completely. This sent you into a panic and you then made a string of rash and life changing decisions. You moved and you had an abortion. Both of these are huge events that take an emotional toll. Your dh doesn't appear to be supporting you or listening to you in any of this. Will you ever feel the same about your relationship again? Do you feel like your dh has got your back?

You can't go back to life as it was and it seems your dh won't move. You need to make up your mind what to do, stay in the relationship with him and give Newcastle a chance? Or seek out a new job and move back to London alone.

All of this. I think you take the weather with you and your general unhappiness follows you around while you believe it's external things making you unhappy. You describe your old home as grotty and shabby so you clearly didn't like it.

Interestingly I've met someone who is really like you (from the very little I know). She always thinks some external things will make her happy. And it never ever does. Everything she changes, she instantly hates that too.

She has a personality disorder. Has your therapist ever spoken to you about underlying causes of your unhappiness?

This. It was your idea by the sounds of it and it's you that has the upper hand if you are originally from there.

Stop with the dramatic pity party. Start focusing on the positives of which there will be many. If you are still unhappy in 18 months then by all means review but you need to give this your all before giving up

I should have added - I’m autistic and change is massive for me. In the end I realised I wasn’t in a place in my life to handle the change and the impending move showed me that. My issue was my husband’s insensitivity to that and rushing it. With leaving my job, the move and then the pregnancy it was too much for change for me to cope with in one go. Hence having to abort my baby because I was in fight and flight mode and needed to save my sanity for my son.

I liked our flat - it was home - my husband didn’t. I love London, he doesn’t. It takes me years to make friends and I have friends in London, and I didn’t want to be starting again at 40.

The best thing this last year is work - I hated my job and new work is going great and I’m making money. You just can’t use freelance income for a mortgage until you have 2 years of tax returns

What a strange answer. Why would I ever my child? He is my whole world

I don’t have a personality disorder. I am autistic. My husband is also neurodivergent. I didn’t think this info was relevant but clearly it is outside our world!

OK that explains more. Transitions are hard for you.

But those transitions have now happened. If you move back, it will be more change and more change. And it won't bring you back to where you were. Give it the two years to build up your income and proof for a mortgage company. You'll have to regardless. Then you may be happier where you are.

You can maintain friendships over distance.

I didn’t think this info was relevant but clearly it is outside our world!

It is relevant. I'm ND and so is DD. And several wider family members. It makes an enormous difference to how we navigate the world.

But it was you who started looking for properties in Newcastle in the first place?

I don't think you can expect your husband to flip flop the way you have been.

You sound unable to commit to anything. You have to create and maintain stability for your son.

Nothing is forever. You've made the decision to move. You've done it. Crack on with it. Stop complaining and make the best of it.

Find a job where you are. See how you feel in five years. Or even three. Then reevaluate.

But you can't chop and change like this after big decisions and expect your h to just accept it. Especially when it was you who started the whole process.

I think you might find you like your new home. If you give it a chance. If you don't then think again in a few years.

It’s not Newcastle per se - I just feel incredibly disorientated and like I’ve been plucked out of the life I was living and have to start again. And I do find the city very small and hard and expensive to parent in (I relied heavily on free museums etc for rainy days in London and we don’t have a car and public transport is expensive here).

No we don’t have a house - we’re renting a small flat and most of our stuff is in storage.

I’m not sure why I’d leave my child?

I was having a mental health crisis and had to save my sanity for the sake of my son

Couples therapy isn’t going great tbh - my husband isn’t taking it seriously and mocks it in arguments.

Do you appreciate how frustrating all of this must be for your husband? You talk about his insensitivity - do you recognise your insensitivity towards him? Have you acknowledged your behaviour had been inconsistent and unreasonable and apologised for it? Or are you just expecting him to somehow absorb it all, roll with the punches and support you?

I think you pretty much summed it up here. It’s the disempowerment that’s been and remains the main issue.

I know most posters here are identifying my rashness but I feel strongly that changes can bring things into focus and it’s better to change course if it doesn’t feel right than go through with it. I felt pushed into going through with it because conversation was shut down and it has been incredibly traumatic for me to have serious doubts that I couldn’t talk through. It’s that process that has eroded my faith in our relationship. He can be incredibly nasty in arguments and will push me into autistic meltdowns and then mock me.

We’re at an impasse and I’m planning to suggest that for the sake of our child’s stability that we trial a separation up here. I can stay in the flat we’re in to minimise disruption and my husband can rent one nearby. I’m hoping it will then be easier to separate the relationship issues from the location issues and the hopefully we can both see and communicate next steps better.

I’m sure you could’ve received support from your husband, midwifery and mental health team. Do you think this decision might actually have been a traumatic one? It comes across as quite extreme given the circumstances. To end a pregnancy because you didn’t want to move house seems a bit dramatic. Do you have diagnosed mental health issues OP? BPD or similar?