Catastrophising divorce?

[green]

I was wondering if anyone thought that there is a tendancy amongst us to catastrophise divorce. I have noticed that many MNetters (including myself) when talking about the decision to end relationships say 'it would destroy my children' or 'it would ruin my children's lives'.

As a product of my parents very messy divorce, and as a laydee who has been in a miserable marriage for a while and has 3 young kids, this is at the forefront of my mind.

My feeling at the moment is that it wasn't so much that my parents weren't together, it was the way they handled their divorce that was so desructive. Hence if we as parents work together to focus on making sure the impact on the kids is minimised, it may not necessarily be the 'undoing of them'.

Whaddya reckon?

I suspect you are right. I don't think my parents' divorce affected us half as much as the god-awful rows, tension and hatred that let up to it. Sadly some of this continued afterwards so if I were to ditch dh, I would really, really try to keep everything civil in front of ds (although I know it would depend on both of us and I'm sure from MN there are plenty of mothers who try bloody hard but have useless exes).

I totally agree - as a kid I survived 7 divorces/split-ups (between both parents) but they were totally civilized and did not damage any of us at all. The only bad times I remember were the last few days of each relationship where you could cut the 'atmosphere' with a knife...

Seven? Blimey, your parents were busy!

7 crikey how on earth did they manage that

i think there are so many variables, depending on the age of the children, if the divorce was agreed mutually, or one party left/ was unfaithful.. things might start amicable, and then when solicitors get involved, can get nastier..especially where money is concerned

i imagine lots of couples intend for it to be a smooth a transition as possible, some don;t..

children and their needs can so often seem to get lost in the mix.

Lordy, 7 is rather impressive!
I was also thinking that part of the damage is done when you as a child feel abandoned by the parent that moves out. Organising 50/50 shared care if possible would surely be a way to avoid that do you think?
Why do we get into this catastrophising language then? It makes divorce feel like the ultimate betrayal of our kids.

Lordy, 7 is rather impressive!
I was also thinking that part of the damage is done when you as a child feel abandoned by the parent that moves out. Organising 50/50 shared care if possible would surely be a way to avoid that do you think?
Why do we get into this catastrophising language then? It makes divorce feel like the ultimate betrayal of our kids.

oops

I think this is an excellent point, Green. My (late) parents had a very troubled relationship, but never divorced. However, I can clearly remember the 6-month period in which my father was not living in the marital home were actually more stable, peaceful and straightforward for me, even though I had to visit him in a nearby town rather than see him all the time. I loved my parents dearly, and they me, but the relationship was a disaster and best left well alone from my own (selfish?) POV.

Kama - interesting post. can i also ask what in particular about the separation have YOU found the hardest, and also what have the kids found the hardest?

I am proud of the way that I separated with my ex partner. I went to see a therapist at the time to support me through it as I had experienced quite a traumatic deivorce when I was young where I knew nothing of my parents unhappiness, until one day my dad told us they were divorcing, left the same night and a new man moved in a coupe of hours later !!

When I split up with my ex we talked lots and kept the children updated with what was happening. We were incredibly fair to each other - financially and emotionally and split everything in half. We weren't having huge blazing rows or anything, it was just a relationship that started very young and we grew in different directions. My ex has lots of contact with the kids and I now have a new partner whom the kids get on very well with. It doesn't have to be terrible

I

excuse typos ...wriggly child jumping on me !

Imo it is the thought of the unknown. It is the not-knowing how things will work out that is frightening.

I know when I was happy in my marriage, divorce was something other people did. A bit like cancer, you think it is something that will never happen to you and the whole thing is scary.

I am not niaive (both parents divorced more than once) but I thought I had found a good one.

When our problems started, the thought of divorce was more terrifying that anything. That was 6 months ago and it is no longer frightening, just something that might have to happen

From a distance, it does look scary, but as you get closer, you realise it may be for the best all round.

As for the dc, they will be much better with one happy parent than two miserable ones!!

laidback - i'm terribly afraid that dh will get very angry once we split. although he knows things aren't working, he's the pretend its all ok type, so will resent me rocking the boat i fear. how did you keep it so civil - i understand that your therapy helped you, but were you able to keep communication up with your ex(dh)?

yes, i totally agree stirling mum- fear of the unknown.

but this weekend, i just feel something shifted - instead of worrying and catastrophising the future for the kids, i recognised i can only make a decision based on NOW and will have to deal with the fall out. if i manage it as well as i can, surely the kids will manage well too? maybe i'm being very naive?

Its just this whole threat of ruination of the children that people generally refer to, it paralyses you i think.
it also relates to the overlap thread i think - in that it doesn't feel so easy to end a relationship you are not happy in because you are worrying about the fall out for kids.

yes, if you manage it as well as you can, the children WILL manage. Be prepared for them to throw it at you when they are argumentative teenagers, though, along with every other weapon they can think of!

interesting that no one has disagreed yet? i was expecting rampant explanations of how the children must always come first, and yes the damage will be irrevocable? which of course is all true, i know, but i suppose its degrees.

edam - am in therapy myself so know i will have support to manage it as best as i am able. but as laid back in england says, you don't know what it will throw at you.

good point dittany. does anyone know of any books that are good for understanding this more, either for adults or children?

I've just sent a piece I wrote about this - for which Edam and many other MNers spoke to me - to a couple of other people. Do CAT me if you'd like it.

One thing I am not absolutely sure about is 50/50 shared care. My sister used to be a divorce lawyer and came to the conclusion that it was very much about parents' needs, not kids'. That children need one, primary, place to be and which is their home.

Oh, I agree, MI, 50/50 is about the parents' needs (usually the father, I suspect). If you have divorced, you are not living in the same house and you can't both spend the same amount of time with the child as before. It's the adults' choice, they should deal with it, not make the kids contort themselves to fit the parents.

If my parents had tried that, I would have hated it. My mother says the first few questions we asked her after she told us were 'where will we live' and 'will we still go to the same school'. Once she'd answered 'here' and 'yes' we were much more sanguine, she reckons.

It's like the old story about the wisdom of Soloman - no parent who really puts their child first would want to spilt that child down the middle.

oh MI that would be fab. Will try and work out how to CAT.
50/50 though - if parents lived within 5 mins of eachother and so school wasn't a problem etc do you still think that. I have huge issues with kids feeling abandoned by one of the parents? Would this not be the case if it wasn't 50/50 or at least 60/40???

Green, I would say that much more important than having 50/50 shared time (although I think that can work, but I've no experience of it) what matters is feeling that the other parent is still available - i.e. that you can call him when you want and he can talk to you, and so on.

I think if it's just part of the routine that sometimes you're with one parent sometimes with the other then it isn't a big deal for a kid, but if it's 'now you can't have x' then it's a bigger problem iyswim.

Sorry that's a bit incoherent, typing with ds on me!

Absolutely IB. My kids are with me more than they are with my EXp, BUT they do see him more than every other weekend and they know they have the freedom to see him when they want....you see, I don't need to punish him by witholding contact.

Green, I suppose it remained civil because we talked alot, we were sad that things hadn't worked out. We talked about what was fair. We took things slowly - from first talking about separating to actually moving out was about a year. We wrote each other letters when things became difficult to talk about. We got angry when we needed to.We weren't petty. We asked our friends and family to not take sides and explained to them why we were separating. We didn't blame each other for something that, effectively, was out of our control. We kept the channels of communication open with the kids.

I struggle to think that my separation has significantly 'damaged' my kids. It has changed them and sometimes they are sad and appropriately angry , but they seem to have adapted well and are great boys. We still talk about things now and I am open to them having issues with it all when they are older - but for now they seem affected but not permanently scarred.

Can I ask whether people think leaving dh with kids in family home and me moving nearby, with a 50/50 arrangement would necessarily lead to the kids feeling abandoned by their mother.

Practically speaking, dh is from a very wealthy family and has lots of money behind him, I have not a cent to my name other than half the house. So, I know that if they stayed with him, life for them would be more 'comfortable' in a monetary sense. Plus, dh is a great father and I'm thinking it would lead to less resentment from him and anger towards me hence positive benefits for the kids.

BUT BUT BUT, do you think it would be interpreted by them as me 'abandoning them' in catastrophic language.

Understand CATing now MI so will sort it out tonight. Thanks.