Should I report him?

[shouldishouldi]

I’m feeling really unsettled. I have a strong gut feeling that I was recorded without my consent during an intimate moment with the guy I was dating. When I confronted him, he got super defensive, refused to show me his phone, and made me feel like I was the crazy one for even asking. I don’t have solid proof, but everything about the situation and his reaction just felt off.

Now I’m stuck on what to do. It happened a few weeks ago and as much as I’ve tried to bury it, I just can’t it out of my head. Reporting it feels like the right thing, but the idea of an investigation freaks me out. If the police look into it and I’m right, that means they’d see and have access to a video of me in an intimate situation, and that thought makes me panic.

Any advice please?

Why do you think you were recorded?

A policewoman, seeing the phone, who is there to protect you is nothing compared to years of worry about what he'll do with any footage. He's broken the law. Go to the police or you'll just have to forget it.

There were a few things that felt off in the moment. Without going into too much detail there was something weird about his behavior, he also said something that made me aware he was being mindful of an audience and then the way he reacted when I questioned him

There's no guarantee it would be a woman though, right?

The police officers who look into it are well trained to handles these kinds of sensitive topics.
Go report it.
It's best to get it dealt with, with professionalism, now rather than trying to mop up the mess and harm to you he could cause by releasing footage out into the wild.

You could ask for a woman..

Ask for a female officer.

If your instinct is correct (always follow it is my advice), a police officer, male or female, seeing the footage is the least worry you have. If you're correct and do nothing then it will be viewed by more folk than just police - given you feel he was behaving as though he was mindful about having an audience...

Sorry this has happened OP.

OP - realistically the police will not achieve anything, even if you report it.
You'll have to be honest and tell them - your report ja based on ‘a feeling’. And that is not enough to start an investigation.

Plus - it’s been some time and you confronted him already. Even if he did record it - it’d be moved off to a safe space. He won’t keep it on his phone.

Anyway - really the best thing for you is to move on. He may or may not have recorded something. If he used a phone - it’s unlikely to be of a good quality/resolution as he’d have to have the phone set up at a distance - so that you dont notice. It’s unlikely anyone can see much on a video recorded that way.

Are you generally prone to anxiety and suspicions? Anything in your previous relationships made you extra vigilant?

You’ll need to find a way to put it out of your head as there is nothing you can do here.

Thank you. I know it's something I need to do for my own peace of mind but I keep talking myself out of it.

I get where you’re coming from, but there are a lot of assumptions in your post, which I understand as I’ve kept some details vague on purpose. It wasn’t at a distance, and this isn’t just a feeling, I physically felt his phone, and he then tried to hide it.

Even if the police decide not to investigate, I’m okay with my complaint being on record. And if they do look into it, I believe they can access deleted or moved files.

As much as I’d like to just ‘move on,’ I don’t think I can do so until I’ve done something to address it.

This isn’t just about anxiety. Thanks.

Being filmed whilst having sex, when you have not consented, is a criminal offence. Contact rape crisis OP, and talk it through with them - they are non judgemental and will help you to decide what is right for you to do 💐

So you ‘felt’ the presence of the phone? Or it was so close you actually touched it?

Well - in that case - the phone was too close to record anything other than a few random bits. You do understand that the recording device needs to be at a certain distance to get a full body shot that would make you recognisable?

In any case - I do not think your ‘feeling’ will give police any reasonable cause to go through his phone.

If you need to do something to move on - by all means report. But the police doesn’t have enough resources to deal with knife-crime and robberies, etc. So - nothing will come out of it. I don’t think they’ll spend time on a forensic investigation based on a report with no evidence but a feeling.

It would be good if you could stop minimising the OP’s concerns and being extremely condescending towards her. She may have been filmed without consent, which is a crime and maybe this guy will have been reported before for something similar. In which case, that would be enough for the police to look into the matter. He might already have a record or have been reported by another woman. And even if he’s not, at least it will be on record in case a future woman makes a complaint about him.

@TipsyJoker

It’s not about minimising concerns. Something in OP’s posts seems off to me. Her posts have some drip feed quality - first she had a feeling; then somehow she physically felt the phone…. Which, incidentally makes no sense as a phone that close to your body cant possibly record anything of use - and it’d be very obvious.:.
So - things don’t add up.

And in general - i don’t believe in accusing people (even men) just based on a ‘feeling’.

And if every ‘feeling’ was reported and investigations opened - the police would be unable to do actual policing.

She said she had deliberately been vague. She maybe doesn’t want to risk giving her identity away. It’s not just that she had a feeling, although that’s part of it. She asked him and he reacted badly. He refused to show her that he hadn’t recorded her. He spoke in a way that suggested an audience. Not just a feeling. Putting women off reporting potential sexual crimes is never a good idea. It might be nothing but it also might be something and it’s for the police to decide if they should pursue it.

@jsku why are you so determined the OP is mistaken? Why wouldn’t you believe her experience- when she specifically says she hasn’t shared all the detail?

She has reason to believe that he behaved criminally. It’s not her job to arrive at the police with evidence. That’s their job. Maybe they won’t take it further on this occasion, or maybe several women have already complained about him.

You don’t know so shouldn’t tell her not to report.

100% report it, it is clearly playing on your mind

If he has recorded it and has therefore lied then the recording needs to be deleted and he needs to be accountable to protect you and other women

So dismissive.

As a woman, I rely on 'feelings' for a lot of my decisions day to day.

If she was performing an act on him, he could have easily videos at close range and for her face to be visible.

Always trust your gut!

Agree totally either way this.

@jsku
Absolutely right
@jsku is reassuring op not minimising anything.
Nothing of consequence could have been recorded.

I'd report. They may have other complaints against him which you don't know about or they may have more in future which can allow
Them to take this scum off the streets.

You have nothing to lose by reporting. If you need non- judgemental support call rape crisis. Ps this falls under that jurisdiction. Ignore previous posts minimising.

I’d just move on. There’s probably nothing that in a visible on the phone at close distance. Hope you are ok x

www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/22/revenge-porn-abusers-devices-illicit-images

I'd read this before you go to the police. Apparently, even when men are convicted for possessing revenge porn, they are allowed to retain the images! It may be worth making the complaint so that future girlfriends can be warned through Claire's Law, but in terms of regaining control of your images, it seems there is very little you can do.

OP nobody was there but you. Nobody on this thread knows what the police will or won’t do or be able to do. It’s a very personal choice about whether to report. If you do I would hope they would send a trained officer to speak to you and you can ask for a female one. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you can get some support with it whatever you decide to do.

@TammyJones There is nothing remotely reassuring about @jsku posts. She is clearly skeptical and solely focused on poking holes in my story … a story that I’ve already said I’ve been intentionally vague about.

According to jsku it doesn’t matter if you have valid reasons to suspect someone has recorded you during sexual intercourse if:

a) you were positioned in a way that’s made you unrecognisable
b) if the camera didn’t get a full body shot
c) if they ‘only’ recorded a few random bits
d) if the footage isn’t high quality
e) a certain amount of time has passed
f) the police are not going to do anything about it anyway
g) And to top it off, reporting a potential crime would apparently be a waste of police resources

None of these assumptions change the fact that recording me/someone/anyone without their consent is a serious violation, regardless of the quality, angle, or any other excuse being made to downplay it. Just because something isn’t easy to prove doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and it certainly doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be reported. I’ve spoken to Rape Crisis and made my decision. Thank you to those who have commented in a non judgemental manner