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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I report him?

40 replies

shouldishouldi · 23/02/2025 18:48

I’m feeling really unsettled. I have a strong gut feeling that I was recorded without my consent during an intimate moment with the guy I was dating. When I confronted him, he got super defensive, refused to show me his phone, and made me feel like I was the crazy one for even asking. I don’t have solid proof, but everything about the situation and his reaction just felt off.

Now I’m stuck on what to do. It happened a few weeks ago and as much as I’ve tried to bury it, I just can’t it out of my head. Reporting it feels like the right thing, but the idea of an investigation freaks me out. If the police look into it and I’m right, that means they’d see and have access to a video of me in an intimate situation, and that thought makes me panic.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 24/02/2025 09:27

I would report it. Even if they don’t investigate this time, it’s on record, and if it happens again (or any other sexual complaints against him) are reported, it gives police more to go on in future.

myplace · 24/02/2025 10:41

Dear Lord this thread is appalling. Are people so desensitised to this stuff?

Sorry, @shouldishouldi

TammyJones · 24/02/2025 20:32

shouldishouldi · 24/02/2025 08:32

@TammyJones There is nothing remotely reassuring about @jsku posts. She is clearly skeptical and solely focused on poking holes in my story … a story that I’ve already said I’ve been intentionally vague about.

According to jsku it doesn’t matter if you have valid reasons to suspect someone has recorded you during sexual intercourse if:

a) you were positioned in a way that’s made you unrecognisable
b) if the camera didn’t get a full body shot
c) if they ‘only’ recorded a few random bits
d) if the footage isn’t high quality
e) a certain amount of time has passed
f) the police are not going to do anything about it anyway
g) And to top it off, reporting a potential crime would apparently be a waste of police resources

None of these assumptions change the fact that recording me/someone/anyone without their consent is a serious violation, regardless of the quality, angle, or any other excuse being made to downplay it. Just because something isn’t easy to prove doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and it certainly doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be reported. I’ve spoken to Rape Crisis and made my decision. Thank you to those who have commented in a non judgemental manner

In that case - please report, and do come back and tell us what the police say......not sure why you ask as you've already made up your mind.

TipsyJoker · 24/02/2025 20:41

TammyJones · 24/02/2025 20:32

In that case - please report, and do come back and tell us what the police say......not sure why you ask as you've already made up your mind.

Show quote history

She asked before she made her decision. She spoke to rape crisis and made her decision.

Itsoneofthose · 24/02/2025 20:51

jsku · 23/02/2025 19:25

OP - realistically the police will not achieve anything, even if you report it.
You'll have to be honest and tell them - your report ja based on ‘a feeling’. And that is not enough to start an investigation.

Plus - it’s been some time and you confronted him already. Even if he did record it - it’d be moved off to a safe space. He won’t keep it on his phone.

Anyway - really the best thing for you is to move on. He may or may not have recorded something. If he used a phone - it’s unlikely to be of a good quality/resolution as he’d have to have the phone set up at a distance - so that you dont notice. It’s unlikely anyone can see much on a video recorded that way.

Are you generally prone to anxiety and suspicions? Anything in your previous relationships made you extra vigilant?

You’ll need to find a way to put it out of your head as there is nothing you can do here.

I disagree. It's worth reporting. Even if nothing comes of it for this lady- it will be recorded and builds a picture of this man. If he goes on to do something again in future he has this in his history. It's important. He may even have something in his past that tips the balance. Who knows.

Original poster
shouldishouldi · 26/02/2025 08:06

For anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, please do not be discouraged from reporting. The police did take it seriously and are handling the matter sensitively.

OP posts:
Bornnotbourne · 26/02/2025 08:11

I’m really glad to hear that you are being heard.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2025 08:18

Am also glad to read this latest message from you.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 26/02/2025 08:22

I am really impressed that you went through with reporting it. Well done you. It is worth the effort, and trauma.

DustyLee123 · 26/02/2025 08:23

Well done for reporting it. I hope it helps you move on from it eventually.

lemongirl1985 · 26/02/2025 09:26

Thanks for letting us know. Well done for reporting! Flowers

myplace · 26/02/2025 11:11

Well done. I’m glad you weren’t put off by those minimising it here.
I hope things are smooth from here on, and you can put it behind you.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/02/2025 13:10

jsku · 23/02/2025 21:27

@TipsyJoker

It’s not about minimising concerns. Something in OP’s posts seems off to me. Her posts have some drip feed quality - first she had a feeling; then somehow she physically felt the phone…. Which, incidentally makes no sense as a phone that close to your body cant possibly record anything of use - and it’d be very obvious.:.
So - things don’t add up.

And in general - i don’t believe in accusing people (even men) just based on a ‘feeling’.

And if every ‘feeling’ was reported and investigations opened - the police would be unable to do actual policing.

If you have concerns about the veracity of OP's posts, please report to Mumsnet rather than pouring scorn on OP's posts and derailing the thread.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/02/2025 13:13

TammyJones · 24/02/2025 03:54

@jsku
Absolutely right
@jsku is reassuring op not minimising anything.
Nothing of consequence could have been recorded.

Show quote history

@jsku isn't being reassuring. She is saying that she doesn't believe OP's account of what happened. She is minimising and dismissing OP's concerns.

InishBiggle · 26/02/2025 13:43

I am sorry you have been through this. Well done for taking that hard step.

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