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Original poster

39 and want kids, partner doesn’t

49 replies

FunnyFleur · 22/02/2025 19:23

I’ve been with my partner around 1.5 years. Having a child has always been important to me and when we met he said he thought he did want kids, but not yet. He later told me he for sure did want kids with me one day. This then changed to ‘not sure I want kids’ down the line and he’s now not sure he ever will. I’m devastated as we have such a good relationship and it feels too early in the relationship for such heavy choices but I don’t want to resent him for missing out on becoming a mum. But equally it’s unlikely I’ll meet someone else at this age and them also want to have kids quite quickly. I’m looking into IVF as a single woman but not sure I’d be able to manage financially on my own. Any advice appreciated, but please be kind, this really hurts

OP posts:
Msmoonpie · 22/02/2025 19:27

He’s a future faker I’m afraid.

I assume children is a deal breaker for you ? If you want children now you may have to go it alone.

If it isn’t a deal breaker for you - he’s still strung you along like a kite. I would be re thinking the relationship.

GiraffesAtThePark · 22/02/2025 19:30

That’s tough. Have you had a serious talk about it? Did he think you’ll leave?

If you’re thinking about having kids on your own then I’m not sure how you’ll continue in the relationship without them. You’ve no idea how long the relationship will last and you could be 45 and single.

It’s a tough decision. All the best 💐

Treeinthesky · 22/02/2025 19:31

Ask him how he would feel about breaking up over this. You really need to start now if your gonna have them. In all honesty there are alot of men around who do want kids so you don't have to settle for someone who doesn't want them

CuteEasterBunny · 22/02/2025 19:32

You still have time to meet someone else if that’s what you’d like.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 22/02/2025 19:32

I really feel for your situation, unfortunately biological clocks put pressure on the situation. Unless you can agree quickly what you want, without him "giving in" you will be forced to choose between a relationship and children. That feels like a horribly unfair choice. There is always a chance you might meet someone in time who feels the right way, but I think this is something you need to decide for yourself as to how important a child is to you
I really hope you find some answers within yourself and options to help you conceive.

Achyarms · 22/02/2025 19:33

If you stay with him and don’t have children, you will feel slow burning resentment to him I think. Then your relationship is ruined anyway.
i feel like he’s lied to you to string you along

LindorDoubleChoc · 22/02/2025 19:34

I'm so sorry. You're in a more or less impossible situation, but what an absolute arsehole he has been to you! For this alone you need to leave him, please! Don't shackle yourself to this waste of space, you will regret it to the nth degree when you are a little older, I guarantee it.

ShouldIEvenBother · 22/02/2025 19:43

Even the men who say they do want kids and genuinely mean it - an awful lot of them do not want to actually parent.

Go it alone, OP.

Have you sat down and looked at the costs, and all the practicalities?

He has led you up the garden path of nowhere 🙄it's a tale as old as time. For this reason alone I would be ending the relationship. Men know full well if they want kids or not. They tell us all sorts of crap to have access to us though, whatever they think we want to hear, they will say, and so we will be with them.

You've got one life - one go at this, so if you want a kid, you may have to make some ruthless decisions at this point now.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 22/02/2025 19:45

End the relationship today.

Be clear you didn’t hide what you wanted from him so there’s no negotiation to be had, be very wary of his offering to start trying for a baby in a year time/once you’ve had the next big holiday/when you’ve moved house/when he’s completed this work project/another deadline that keeps you sweet for now and kicks down the road the fact that he’s not prepared to have a baby (or not with you) and is hoping to put off losing you for another year.

BlondeStreaks · 22/02/2025 19:49

I am sorry to be blunt, and it’s not you who are the problem, it is him.

The trouble with people like him is, as soon as you do split up, he will have children with someone else.

Ive heard of this so many times.

Its awful, and I apologise, but he doesn’t want children with you, but the 30 year old he meets later, is a different thing.

I agree with the other poster, you could have a child by yourself, but it wouldn’t be easy, depending on your finances and determination .

category12 · 22/02/2025 19:51

Would you actually need IVF? Couldn't sperms donation be an option?

Upstartled · 22/02/2025 19:51

So, he's just going to fire through your remaining fertility doing the later, later, maybe never routine? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Greenfencebrowntree · 22/02/2025 19:56

category12 · 22/02/2025 19:51

Would you actually need IVF? Couldn't sperms donation be an option?

Yeah, you don't need IVF - it's IUI you need, cheaper and simpler.

onetwothreefourfive11 · 22/02/2025 19:58

Pick you first always.

There are plenty of men that want children.

You may stay with him, but waiting for 1 man on this whole plant.

Life is short, us women don't have a long time.

A child is the best thing ever, there is no other love like it - and if it's want you want, pick that over a man

Wishing you the best xx

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/02/2025 19:59

He doesn’t want kids (with you) op, and he never did. Sorry. If you do want kids you need to ditch this future faking POS and move on.

SnakebitesandSambucas · 22/02/2025 20:04

So many women have ended up in your position by men doing this 😐. I would focus on what you can do about the situation. Personally dump him as a priority. And look into your options!

MissingSummertime · 22/02/2025 20:07

Wishing you all the best too OP, such a horrible situation that he has not been honest with you and not been considerate to how crucial and time sensitive these fertile years are for you.

Sperm donation does sound like a good option I also had a check and it does appear that there are dating websites out there specifically for those wanting to have children.

HardenYourHeart · 22/02/2025 20:15

onetwothreefourfive11 · 22/02/2025 19:58

Pick you first always.

There are plenty of men that want children.

You may stay with him, but waiting for 1 man on this whole plant.

Life is short, us women don't have a long time.

A child is the best thing ever, there is no other love like it - and if it's want you want, pick that over a man

Wishing you the best xx

A child is the best thing ever, there is no other love like it - and if it's want you want, pick that over a man

I am sure you mean well, but I doubt this will make the OP feel better about her situation, as she currently can't have children with the man she thought she could. If the OP never has children, comments like these will really be a kick in the teeth.

Achyarms · 22/02/2025 22:23

I would pick a baby over a man any day. You can have a baby solo and still meet another man then or later in life. That door won’t close like that baby opportunity does

Heregoes1234 · 22/02/2025 22:35

He’s breadcrumbed you. I’ve recently met someone and within the first few months is sure he wants kids with me within the next year to two years max and he talks about it all the time. If a guy wants something it doesn’t feel like trying to get blood from a stone or them dragging their feet on the issue.

To be blunt fertility goes down rapidly after 35. You’re 39 you don’t have another year that could lead to another year. Yes people have kids well into their 40s but each year it’ll be bleaker, more likely hood of abnormalities, miscarriages.

Id leave now and have fertility checks to see where you’re at then get a sperm donor.

Men are like buses they come and go and sounds like you got on the wrong one. Don’t waste anymore precious time.

Middlepiepush · 22/02/2025 22:43

They’ve only been together for 1.5 years so he’s hardly been stringing her along for years. He’s entitled to not want children so hasn’t done anything wrong.

Dawninglory · 22/02/2025 22:58

Middlepiepush · 22/02/2025 22:43

They’ve only been together for 1.5 years so he’s hardly been stringing her along for years. He’s entitled to not want children so hasn’t done anything wrong.

we met he said he thought he did want kids, but not yet. He later told me he for sure did want kids with me one day. This then changed to ‘not sure I want kids’ down the line and he’s now not sure he ever will.

I think he made out from the start it was what he wanted then changed his mind.I would say that is "stringing her along"

Middlepiepush · 22/02/2025 23:33

Dawninglory · 22/02/2025 22:58

we met he said he thought he did want kids, but not yet. He later told me he for sure did want kids with me one day. This then changed to ‘not sure I want kids’ down the line and he’s now not sure he ever will.

I think he made out from the start it was what he wanted then changed his mind.I would say that is "stringing her along"

Show quote history

All that within the space of 1.5 years though so I don’t see how that is stringing you along. Maybe he was working out his feelings about it and it is sensible not to have children with someone you have only known 1.5 years.

gettingthehangofsewing · 22/02/2025 23:44

I would end the relationship because he wasted your time and made false promises. I would resent him too much to stay with him.

Then you can either throw yourself in to finding someone and starting a family or you could look at sperm donor /fostering/adoption and going solo. Or you can see what happens.

greenel · 23/02/2025 07:27

There's no guarantee he will even stay for the long term if you sacrifice having kids for him.

The fact he's changed his mind from being certain to uncertain would make me think it's the relationship he's not sure of. It's normally the other way - people aren't certain and as time goes on or they feel more comfortable in a relationship they feel more certain.

But is too cowardly to end it himself so hoping this will make you end it with him. There's no way he can think the relationship will still carry on; if he loves you he'll never want you to sacrifice having kids and it would be a serious conversation about the future. There was a similar post recently about someone's bf who changed his mind the other way and decided he did want kids. He sat down to discuss it with the poster who remained sure she didn't want them (as had them already) and he ended things, she accepted it. The end.

This man is not your forever. You've only lost 1.5 year which at 39 with fertility clock ticking feels a lot BUT you could still meet someone and try ivf in your 40s OR go it alone and do IUI with a sperm donor now, much cheaper. There's options - but only if you leave him. To stay with him has nothing but sadness.