39 and want kids, partner doesn’t

[FunnyFleur]

I’ve been with my partner around 1.5 years. Having a child has always been important to me and when we met he said he thought he did want kids, but not yet. He later told me he for sure did want kids with me one day. This then changed to ‘not sure I want kids’ down the line and he’s now not sure he ever will. I’m devastated as we have such a good relationship and it feels too early in the relationship for such heavy choices but I don’t want to resent him for missing out on becoming a mum. But equally it’s unlikely I’ll meet someone else at this age and them also want to have kids quite quickly. I’m looking into IVF as a single woman but not sure I’d be able to manage financially on my own. Any advice appreciated, but please be kind, this really hurts

If you are in your late 30's then you don't have the luxury of saying you might want kids 'one day but not yet'. He's a dick if he doesn't recognise that for you this is a NOW decision.
Personally I don't see how you could have children with him now, he clearly doesn't actively WANT them and no one should be manipulated into having them, not least because they will likely be a useless partner and parent.
And if you can't work out finances to have a child alone then that means you would be dependent on him, that would put you in an incredibly vulnerable position in your relationship with limited options to leave it and support yourself.
Honestly I would leave this relationship and focus your time on planning a solo pregnancy. If you meet someone else then great, but I'd rather plan to be alone than be in a substandard relationship for the rest of your life just to find someone who will agree to a baby.

The problem is that IUI for age 40 has a 1% chance of working. I think the OP is thinking IVF for better chances.

I did IUI as a 30 year old and had a baby bjt they don't tend to recommend for over 35s. You're right, IVF is a lot of money though and that needs to be taking into consideration!

He’s an arse, and don’t be surprised if he gets someone pregnant in the future, it’s often how it goes. So send him on his way, and start your new life.

Please don't despair. You should be seriously thinking about it but you are not in your very last chance to become a mother yet, you still have a few years. Have one last very serious conversation with him again saying that sadly you would have to leave if he doesn't want to have kids. If he still doesn't wake up, leave. From my experience, it does take time for many men to come to the conclusion that they actually would like to have a child. There are men who are certain from get go that it's not for them, and you don't want to be involved with them. But with the "maybe" types you still have a chance, of course as long as you have set up clear timelines for for such decisions in a relationship. And lastly, don't ever think you won't find anyone else who may want to have kids early on. I really would not panic and would not approach this with a scarcity mentality. The right man may decide within 6 months that he wants to have a child with you, so it doesn't necessarily mean you are waisting more time if you start looking for a new man!

I agree with this. Assuming he is in his forties if OP is 39 then he should know by now if he wants kids at all with anyone or not.

If he has got his ripe age and not thought about it you'd have to assume he has been wandering around with his head in the clouds - which is not attractive.

Amazingly astute point about making sure a man who says he wants kids also means he wants to parent.

Agreed. A fraction of the price, and perfectly effective if there are no fertility issues.

That's not what the Op is about. She was 37 when they got together and made it clear in the near future she wanted kids. He said he did too. She gave him a chance to not get involved as she doesn't want to waste 5yrs in a relationship with him not wanting kids. Then find out she can no longer have them due to her age. So he strung her along for 1.5yrs now has changed his mind.

That’s an awful lot of flip-flopping for 1.5yrs – I think your intuition should have been stronger on this, but it’s done now. I wouldn’t waste more time and I think you should call it now if having a baby is your goal.

At your age 1.5 years in is not early in the relationship!! You're 39!!

I have a 4 week old with a man I met less than two years ago because we planned it and wanted him. Get rid of this guy!

@FunnyFleur

I think you have to decide whether having a baby is something you absolutely want or whether you could happily continue without having attempted to start a family. Only you can answer that.

I don’t know whether he has been stringing you along from day one, or whether he was genuinely quite undecided, but has now decided against. We are all allowed to change our mind about having children- sometimes it’s because circumstances change our outlook or priorities (health concerns, financial positions, life circumstances or responsibilities, for example). The issue would he if you feel/know that he knew all the way along he would not want children and lied to you about it. That is a deal-breaker. Changing his mind may well be a dealbreaker too, but not for everyone. And I think I’d find it less upsetting than knowing my partner of 1.5 years had been lying to me.

if you think you can fully support a child- emotionally, practically/physically and financially- as a single mother, then it’s up to you re IVF. If you can’t, then I think you should wait. Don’t have a baby if you know you won’t cope, just because you want one.

Maybe, but OP was 37 when she met him and he was not 100% about having kids then - she bears some responsibility for continuing the relationship at that point. If kids are a priority in your late 30s then that needs to be your focus.

OP I would pursue IVF alone if you have the resources to do so. If you were head over heels for this man and not 100% on children yourself then I would say choose the relationship but it doesn't sound like you are.

Sounds to me too like he hadn’t made up his mind…which at that age age says a lot in itself.

I wouldn’t give up on a baby for a man I’d known less than two years. This relationship is still in the honeymoon phase and anything could happen.

Leave and have your baby.

Nah if he loved you he’d be proposing and saying he wanted a family and actually taking steps to make that all happen. Do you live with him? It’s a mistake to move in with men before marriage if you want commitment and family etc. I would move out immediately or move him out. Make it clear in very firm terms that you want things from life he’s not providing so you will be looking elsewhere. There’s a high chance if you carry on with this relationship he will dump you at some point simply because the bottom line is he doesn’t love you. If he did he’d be giving you everything you want to keep you. Most men aren’t that excited about having babies. What they do get excited about is a woman they’re in love with. This guy is not that. Sorry. Don’t waste your life.

I'd end it and plan on doing it alone. You may or may not meet someone in time to have children together but if it's important to you then plan on doing it alone. You can always build your family with another partner after you have a child solo. Current partner is just wasting your years. If he's a similar age to you, then after 1.5 years he should know if he wants kids with you. As he's flip flopping it's probably a no sorry.

Sorry you are in this situation OP, I echo what others have said, sadly he just doesn’t want children with you if he has changed his mind after 1.5 years. Not to say he doesn’t care for you at all, just that you are not the person he envisages becoming a parent with. I don’t know if this is an option, but could you get your eggs frozen asap while you figure out if you want to go it alone? In any case ditch the guy and you can both move on with your lives. I don’t think after 1.5 years it is fair to call him a future faker like others have though, maybe if it was 10.5 years 🤷🏻‍♀️

Split.
He doesn't want to have children.
You can't force him to change his mind and there's no guarantee he would stay regardless, after throwing a child into otherwise a "very good" relationship.

End it today and get a fertility clinic appointment ASAP. There is no comparison between having a child and having a partner. Child every time. Men come and go as others have said. You're 39, there's no time to waste.

Leave him, your fertile years are limited, his aren't. He can change his mind in 10 years. If you want children, don't sacrifice that for this man.

I'm really sorry OP. It's likely he put his own needs before yours. He wanted you to stay with him, probably hoping you'd forget, that he'd change his mind (maybe), or that you'd be infertile anyway at this point.

@Middlepiepush 1.5 is a long time at this age. In some cases it can mean the difference between being fertile & infertile.

@SnakebitesandSambucas Yeah, isn't it funny how some of those fence sitters break up with their current partner that's in her 30s, then the man reaches 40 - 45, meet someone in their 20s, and then have a wedding and a baby in quick succession. 😣

At 39? Going through multiple dates, which could take at least a year? Then you’re 40, at least. If (a big IF) you find someone suitable for YOU, they are unlikely to want kids straightaway, you both need to make sure the relationship is right. This could take at least another year and heading into 41/42.

Then you have to start trying for a baby. Heading towards your mid-40s, this is really hard in most cases (whatever anyone says). IVF will be likely, then you have waiting lists, even with paying privately it will unlikely to be instantaneous. Using your own eggs will also be unlikely, meaning you’ll either try and risk the 1% chance of conception or have to wait for donor eggs.

You'll be looking at potentially, possibly, if you’re lucky, being a mum in your late 40s.

Saying someone has time at 39 to meet someone and have kids is potentially unrealistic.

You’re best chance of having a baby is alone, through IVF.

In the first instance I think you need to say ‘it’s kids very soon or we need to split so I can find someone else or do sperm donation’ and see what his reaction is. That will tell you what you need to know.

DM has a friend who didn’t have kids because her DH didn’t want them. She was widowed by him in her early 50s and it is a real source of sadness to her that she sacrificed that for him and now doesn’t have what all her friends have with children and grandchildren, which is what she wanted in the first place.

OP your post could have been written by me! I was in your exact situation and now I’m now currently sat holding my sleeping baby. I went it alone after my partner kept delaying being ‘ready’. I don’t regret for one minute doing it alone, I would have resented him forever if we’d stayed together and I missed out on being a mum. If you decide to go for it, I’d look into the stats for IUI as it’s pretty unsuccessful for our age, so consider going straight for IVF and save your money. Also any frozen embryos won’t age if you want future children. Being a solo mum is hard but you’ve got this, we’re stronger than we think!