Will the DCs blame me?

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

I've posted before about my situation but I could really do with more advice.

Basic situation is angry DH who takes out his moods on us - mainly me and oldest DD. It's not all the time but there have been long periods of it being an issue over our 20 year relationship.

It's started again recently. Not as bad as it's been but I feel done. But the DCs see it as just Dad. They obviously don't think it's bad enough for me to ask him to go.

I'll just be seen as the bad guy won't I?

You must do what you believe to be right for you and the children. Have you anywhere to go? Do you work? Would he leave?

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore why do you think they’ll see you as the bad guy’? Who exactly is they? If it’s the dc, maybe they’ll think ‘thank goodness, what took you so long?’
That’s what my dn said to my brother when he divorced his wife…

As a parent you had to make tough decisions for your children that they may or may not like initially, in order to protect them. They will still love their Dad and might be sad that the family has split but ultimately it’s for the best and they will eventually see that when they live in a peaceful home and aren’t walking on eggshells. You’re also modelling to them that it’s not ok to be treated that way by your partner. If you don’t, they will either grow up to be like him or with someone like him. It’s not about being the bad guy. It’s about taking charge and making sure you protect yourself and your children. He’s started on the oldest now. It’s your job to protect them. You’d be the bad guy if you let them continue to live in an abusive household learning terrible life lessons and damaging their self esteem.

I wish my mum had left (instead of thinking it's better for dc to have parents together). I thought it was normal. I went on to have two long term relationships that treated me as my dad did as I thought it was normal. I now am nc with my dad as I realised it was affecting my dc too. My mum finally went on to divorce my dad and in hindsight realised she should have left him when we were younger. Your dc probably think it's normal because that's all they know.

Even though my parents stayed together I thought it was normal to shout at someone when you disagreed with them to show your anger or displeasure. I was actually about 15 when I went to a friend's house and her parents had a disagreement within ear shot, no one raised their voice, no one used any sort of shitty tone and it was eye opening. I realised my normal was not normal.

Throughout my children's childhood we have pointed out tv show characters or movie characters modelling good or bad friendships and the same with relationships ie Gilmore Girls, all of Rory's boyfriends are problematic, Friends with Ross's weird possessive nature (it has been a very long time since I have watched these) but you need to show your children positive role models if their Father isn't one.

They will always love their Dad because he is their Dad it doesn't mean that they don't see his behaviour toward you as problematic. No child really wants to criticise a parent. Your eldest DD is subject to his behaviour too. This is not a great way to model how men should treat women.

@TipsyJoker has this nailed. Whatever DCs say to you, it’s affecting their life as well as yours. If he wasn’t there you’d realise how much smoother and peaceful life is without a cranky rude person in the house.

And I echo what is said about the DCs future relationships. My mum and dad had a similar relationship to yours and I ended up with first H who behaved in same way as my dad and I made excuses for many years until I’d had enough, realised it was toxic, and left.

My mum stayed with my dad as she didn’t want me to come from a broken home. It was already broken. I really didn’t realise that until I was about 30. It just makes me feel sad that my mum felt she should stay with him because of me.

My dad was the angry type, more passive then would blow up randomly. My mum should’ve done more to protect us, they’re now divorced and everyone is happier.

Walk my love, walk away. Your DC might see you as a scapegoat for now and show anger/hurt but they will always love you and their DF and things will come full circle I promise you. Approach everything with kindness in the seperation, but mainly to yourself.

You’ve got this and you’re stronger than you think.

But the DCs see it as just Dad.

He has damaged them to the point they can't identify abuse. Definitely get rid of him and do some work on making sure your children can understand what a healthy relationship and respect looks like.

Sometimes you have to make a decision as an adult that won’t be popular with your kids but you are the adult who has the responses of protecting them.

Alarm bells should be ringing that your kids are their dad’s behaviour as normal “it’s just dad” You are raising the probability that they pick and stay with someone like him in the future.

What about eldest dd? You are her mum so need to protect her and show the younger ones that you prioritize the well being of the kids over a shitty man.

Why is your biggest concern that they will blame you? Take any blame and protect them from their dad ffs Give them respite from their dad and protect their mental health. Even if they don’t understand now, they will one day.

Thanks all. Can't reply at length right now but to answer why I think I'll be blamed - he's spent years minimising my reaction so I don't know if I can trust how I feel. Am I just oversensitive?

I sometimes think it doesn't matter what it's labelled and it's a valid reaction whatever it's called. But then I doubt myself again.

The fact that your DCs see his behaviour as Dad just being Dad is precisely why you need to leave.

Your DD is learning that’s how men treat women and you don’t want her finding a similar man to be like that with her when she grows up.

Why would your Dc’s blame you? They are probably miserable.

I'm of an age where I now know adults who were raised or have raised (now grown) children in abusive or awful atmospheres; and it always seems to be the case that they end up having strained or no relationship with the mother.
For some reason it seems that mothers bear the brunt of resentment in later life, for not protecting the children/getting them away from the abusive household. And this ranges somewhere from resentment, loss of respect to abject anger.

For your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your children, end this relationship. It's not for them to decide the relationship between your and your husband is not bad enough to end. That is your job as their adult.

No, I don't believe they'll blame you, based on my own experience.

First of all - trust your own mind. You know what the facts are. Not what he tells you the facts are, but the actual facts of your life. And your children don't understand what's happening either.

My DCs have never blamed me for leaving their dad. They were young, but they knew the atmosphere was worse when he was around. They too walked on egg shells and didn't know what mood he'd come home in. They may have been too young, or polite, or confused by it, or conditioned by it, to put their feelings into words. But they felt it.

They expressed relief when we split, again not verbally, but I saw it in them. They still loved him, he was still their dad, but their day to day lives had got better, calmer, more relaxed, more dependable and predictable.

Many years later, and all adults now, I've never felt for a moment they blamed me, and if I felt they had misunderstood the situation then as adults I would share some info with them (not over sharing, but just enough for them to see why I left).

What I do know, is that if I'd stayed with him, their lives would have been immeasurably worse, and it would be impacting their adult lives, and they may be making bad decisions, or acting badly, in their adult relationships because they'd be emulating him, thinking it was normal.

I'd rather risk a twinge of guilt (not that I have ever felt it) for splitting our marriage, than the huge guilt I would have felt for not leaving it.

Your DC see that their das has a behaviour problem. So.why would they blame you if you initiated a divorce because of that reason?
ATM they seem.to be minimising and trivialising his tendency yompick on you and your DD, which is sending a clear message that men get to pick on their womenfolk as a right. That you think they'll blame you for notvstanding for an abusive trait that they clearly see might indicate that you've accepted that message, too.

Do you tell him to lay off when he goes at your DD?

This is not a healthy situation.

Of course he has. That’s a common abuser tactic. Read this. It’s free and it’s enlightening

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

OP, my father bullied me my whole childhood and yet was surprised when I moved away.
Then he thought he could still do it when I visited.
I sent a totally scorching letter to him about his behaviour.
My mother whom had allowed him to bully me called me and was furious with me for sending it.

I didn't trouble them with a visit again..for 25 years till their death.

Never ever underestimate the damage.

Time to reply properly now

@goody2shooz I also think DCs will blame me because I'd be it's not always been bad - there have been long periods where his moods haven't been a problem.

Younger DD also hasn't seen as much of it - partly because he seems to get less angry at her and because she spends a lot more time in her room. (Aware that could be because she's avoiding him).

I'm nervous about how he will be. Immediately after his worst outburst a few weeks ago, he was really contrite and talked about getting therapy. Obviously nothing has happened. And when I've asked him about it since he's had a go at me - I'm not perfect etc

I'm also worried he'll blame older DD, suggest we're ganging up on him. I know that's one more reason to do something but it might be horrible for her.

@Snorlaxo I know it's my job to protect them. But I'm worried I'm overreacting. I don't think his moods are normal, but maybe I'm wrong. He'll say I'm teaching them to be over sensitive.

I'm also worried about my resilience if DCs do blame me - even though I know they take priority and it’s what I need to do.

And I'm sad that I'm looking at the end of my marriage.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no one would want to be with them. What he has snd continued to show both your kids and you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. That’s what your first paragraph is really describing.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Anusivd people generally do not do well in therapy and again he is blaming you here. Thus is typical abuser speak, it’s always someone else’s fault and never their own. You should know too that men like this hate women, ALL of them.

Your boundaries, already skewed here perhaps by previous poor relationships and or life experiences, are being further damaged by this man now. The same is happening to your kids.

Make no mistake, your kids as well as you have been abused by this man for years now and the damage done already is incalculable. None of you realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and the sooner that lesson is learnt the better. It is certainly not beyond the realms of possibility that both your kids as adults could become abused in their adult relationships also particularly if you do not get away from him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Could you go into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI?. The staff are trained ggeee to direct you to a private area where you can access domestic violence support services.

He’s really done a number on you hasn’t he and he’s almost got you where he wants you. I say almost because you have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here. You know his treatment of you and your kids is wrong on so many levels. HE thinks you’re overreacting, it’s in his interests to keep you all cowed and walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

He will never go to therapy and besides which he will need years of it. Not just some dv perpetrators course, that is no answer to domestic violence which is what you are writing about here.

Also abuse is NOT a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and he wants absolute over you all here.

You have a choice re this man , your dc do not.

My parents divorced when I was 16 - fundamentally incompatible. My dad was the one who left - I don’t remember blaming either of them, and they were both happier afterwards - it just happened, and we all adjusted

How old are you DC op? I genuinely think you’re overthinking because of the abuse suffered. Looking from the outside in; he’s abusive. You need to cut yourself some slack and think.. if my best friend or DD came to me and explained all the things he’s doing.. what advice would you give and follow your own advice.

Only you know how you can handle your own actions, preempting his every next move or your children’s reactions will make you freeze in the sadness, thaw yourself out and stop predicting his next steps and take control of your own..

I only ask for DC ages as it might be an insight into what kind of emotional reaction you’ll get and to get some age appropriate help through separation.. sending so much love and on the end of a DM anytime!

@AttilaTheMeerkat we did go for couples counselling a few years ago. I wanted to make things better if I could, whether we stayed together or not. And I thought since he could be ok, funny, loving - we could work on the other moods. There was progress but it was hard - and lots of stuff thrown back at me.

Then the pandemic happened, and he was a lot better. (I do think it's linked to how stressed he's feeling)

And now it's happened again - and that last thread has snapped.

I'm sure you're right he won't do any serious solo therapy.

@Uncertainteek They're 17 & 15

Couples counselling is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Sadly for you as well
the counsellor you saw did not recognise
an abusive relationship. No real surprise that it was not successful.

A lot of people get stressed and do not choose to act abusively towards their spouses and children like your man does. There is NO justification or excuse for abuse in a relationship.

Abuse too is not a relationship problem, it’s about power and control. And he wants absolute over you all here.