Will the DCs blame me?

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

I've posted before about my situation but I could really do with more advice.

Basic situation is angry DH who takes out his moods on us - mainly me and oldest DD. It's not all the time but there have been long periods of it being an issue over our 20 year relationship.

It's started again recently. Not as bad as it's been but I feel done. But the DCs see it as just Dad. They obviously don't think it's bad enough for me to ask him to go.

I'll just be seen as the bad guy won't I?

No. Don't let this fear hold you back. It did me for ages, but eventually I plucked up the courage and ended it after a long long time. Best thing I ever did. Am living my best life now, and because there was no infidelity, no-one blames me at all.

You only get one life OP.

Why not take the advice that was given to you a few days ago? Why another post?

@ZekeZeke - because it's a lonely place to be in. And because I've talked to my DCs (generally, about how they are/DH moods) and even the older one obviously hasn't thought that we might split up.

I know it's not down to them. I have to step up. But thinking about all this while getting on with everything else is tough. And this is somewhere I can come to get it out.

Thanks for everyone's time x

Oh my. I’m literally going through this right now. As we speak. The horrible moods and absolute twattish behaviour that my children and I put up with. I’ve just shouted at him not to bother coming upstairs tonight. And my children are all awake and listening. 😭

I’m sorry I’ve only read the op but I’ll go back now and read the rest 💐

I'm sorry OP but you have looked the other way, just like my mother did.
They will come back about this, particularly the eldest.
It is not on them.
Not their decision.
it is your decision.
He is an angry abusive man. The end.

Is that what you want for your daughters....thinking this is normal family life.
He's a house terrorist.

I was gone at 20.
Your eldest will hopefully get away and never look back.
She will carry those scars for the rest of her life sadly, it seeps into your bones.

Maybe no one will see this old thread... but I want to put it down in writing because I feel proud I stood up for myself.

I made my points - and walked away when he didn't engage.

Things might get more difficult in the short term but I know I have to stay the course this time.

My ddad was, what is now known as abusive, (wasn't talked about back then), big drinker, angry, prone to violence.
Basically, it made my childhood hell.
I was his target, dsis's not so much.
Learnt very early to walk on eggshells, the need to placate him or try to stay out of his way.
I'm 58 now, I look back on my childhood with a mix of sorrow for the child that I was and horror that anyone would treat a child like that.
The strangest thing is I loved my ddad, was devastated when he passed away.
As a child, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to split up.
As an adult, I wish they had.
It never leaves you, being targeted by the person who is supposed to love and protect you.
Hope this sorry tale helps you make a decision ❤️

Well done OP.
Well written @Missionimprobable
My father had to live with the fact that I refused to engage with him for the last 25 years of his life and that he never was allowed to meet his wonderful grandchildren.

He died and I felt pity, not love.
I had never learnt to love him as through being a target I had never felt safe.

I married a good man and have built a very successful life, but scars never leave, they become part of the fabric of who you are, a bullied child.

I certainly do not see myself as a victim, but I do acknowledge that his life legacy is that of an ugly bully whose child wanted nothing to do with him.

He came from a wonderful background of love and privilege despite WWII, the youngest whose parents adored him.

My grandmother was appalled at how he behaved at times, and regretted how indulged he was.

I felt very powerless as a child but took back my power by refusing any further contact with him, and never relenting.

My mothers support of him meant I never had anything futher to do with her again, though I wished them both well.

I simply never wanted to spend time in their company again.

I really wish you well.
You leaving has the power to soften the damage done to your daughter, by showing her you value her emotional safety.

Thanks both. This isn't the end of the road - but it is the start of me making it clear that I won't put up with how things were.

Today I was seeing if he would talk about why he gets angry, if he understands the long term impact. But he obviously reacted badly to me bringing it up. I get it - I was telling him he can be intimidating and that apologising for that one eruption isn't enough because we don't know when it will happen again. But he has to face it.

I'm home now. I don't know where he is or if he's coming back.

So his reaction to you telling him that you won’t accept his angry outbursts any more was to have an angry outburst? Doesn’t bode well does it? And if you now take him back when/if he returns,
you’ll actually be showing him that you will put up with it, by putting up with it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think it would be really useful for you to seek individual therapy for you and your children to learn about setting health boundaries and maintain them.

He obviously intimidates you and you find it very hard.

I would suggest thinking about how you might look back on your life choices and your legacy to your daughter in 20 years time.

How that will feel if she tells you at length that his behaviour and your choices ruined her life?

I bet you would do anything to change that conversation then.

This is your moment.
Self report to SS that he is terrorising your daughter.

Tell your daughter to tell her teachers exactlyhow angry and scary her father is, that should trigger an SS referral.

The best thing is he should leave the house.
Stick the key in the door and tell him you will call the police and report him for abusing your daughter.

This is a police matter.
Your child is being abused by him and you are a witness to it.
Report him to 101 and ask them to refer this to SS.

There are ways to shine light on this.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.
This is your childs one life.
Don't stand by and allow the whole of her childhood be destroyed by him.