Miss my exDH and family being together so much

[Silvergrape]

I separated from my ex husband a year ago. We'd been married for 20 years, and have 2 dc (teens). Our relationship had always had ups and downs but I felt we really did love each other.

The last few years of our marriage were awful - he had a mental breakdown and stopped working. He was at home all day - angry, depressed and withdrawn. He acted like he couldn't stand me. I was so devastated.

If there was ever an issue in our marriage, I would want to talk about it and sort it out. I admit at the beginning of the marriage I would blame him for things (eg he didn't do housework etc), and i would sometimes get upset etc. But then I had a lot of therapy, studied counselling, and learned a lot of communication techniques. By the end I think I was communicating healthily with him. However, his response to me if he didn't want to talk about something was to stonewall me, or get passive aggressive. He's not a direct communicator and I really struggled with that.

He had some lovely parts of his character and difficult parts (same as me).

Since the separation, we are co parenting amicably. But I feel so heartbroken about the break up of our family. I'm still grieving so much a year down the line. And I feel I still don't really understand what went wrong with my ex and I.

During our relationship, we'd been to marriage counselling twice, things got a bit better but then went downhill again.

Anyway yesterday I phoned him as I just wanted to get some clarity from him. I was feeling like I still loved him and missed him. I wanted to test the water and see if he would be willing to try again. Neither of us have moved on or started dating again.

I asked him a few questions and he said that he wasn't interested in dating at the moment as "relationships are always full of drama". I felt terrible when he said that, and apologised if I had caused the drama in our relationship. I explained that it was just that I wanted to connect with him, and I felt he was always withdrawing from me. He said that he just wants peace and a simple life. He said that he thinks our energies were mismatched.

I feel so devastated, as I still love him. But it's clear he doesn't love me. I'm now feeling like the relationship breakdown was my fault for being too emotional. He told me recently that he thinks of me as a co parent, and a "human being". I just don't know how he can be so detached after 20 years of marriage.

It's all made worse as he lives nearby and I see him a lot because of the kids, and we share finances etc. I feel like I'm living in limbo and can't move on. But he seems quite happy with the situation.

I miss him and our family being together so so much.

I’m so sorry op , you sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain. but it also sounds like there were a lot of things not right in the relationship and you might be a little bit guilty of idealising your chances of repairing it.

To be honest I think your dh is right - you are better off not attempting to reconcile, and it would not be fair if he gave false hope.

It sounds like you need to work through all these feelings - would you consider some more counselling?

Moving on can be scary it's much easier to stick with what you know that's one of the reasons people stay in bad relationships . It didn't work before and your dh doesn't want to try again. You need to focus on moving forward and accepting your situation. Counselling could help if you are stuck. There's no point in dwelling on how your husband feels that's about him and what he is going through.

The last few years of our marriage were awful - he had a mental breakdown and stopped working. He was at home all day - angry, depressed and withdrawn. He acted like he couldn't stand me. I was so devastated.

What you have now is better than that, it sounds awful for you.

Perhaps you tried too hard to save it and were too hopeful that therapy and mediation could restore your relationship when he has really just abdicated his responisibilities and checked out.

That sounds incredibly painful. After 20 years together and with your lives still so intertwined, it must be so tough to hear him say he doesn’t want the drama. It sounds like he’s shut down completely, and from your counselling, you already know that if he doesn’t want help, there’s nothing you can do.

You don’t know what the future holds—maybe one day he’ll wake up and realise what he’s lost, but that’s not going to happen while you’re waiting for him. If you can find ways to enjoy your own company again, you’ll be in a much better place to make choices that are right for you—not just ones that stop the pain in the short term.

I went through something similar with my ex—I tried so hard to connect with him, but the more I reached out, the more he withdrew, until I completely forgot to look after myself. I was so wrapped up in caring for others, always putting myself last, and I realised I had lost touch with what actually made me happy. So I started exercising, picked up old hobbies, got my hair cut, and even went hitchhiking around Ireland. None of it magically fixed things overnight, but it did help me find moments of joy that were just for me.

I read somewhere that it takes about a month for every year you were in a relationship to fully process it, so it makes sense that you’re still in the thick of it. If you can start separating your finances, at least you’ll feel a little more in control of your own life—it might help with the feeling of being in limbo.

@HabitHoarder yes, that's true, I do think I have probably been idealising my chances of repairing the relationship. I mean, we went to marriage counselling twice, and that didn't work. I know there were a lot of problems but I never stopped loving my DH. But he told me that he stopped loving me in the same way a few years ago. I was the one who instigated the separation as it was too painful to live with him as he didn't love me, and his behaviour towards me was awful. And now he keeps saying "well you were the one who wanted the separation" which is really frustrating, as how could I have carried on in that situation!

I've actually recently started seeing a counsellor, she's really good. In fact I think that might be why these painful feelings are coming up even now as they seem to have been unearthed! 😫

@gettingthehangofsewing yes it's definitely scary thinking of moving on. It's been almost a year, and sometimes I feel I don't seem to have moved on at all. At the beginning of the separation I think I was almost in shock, but now I'm really feeling the reality of the situation and it's painful.

@Herewegoagain29 yes it was awful living with him when he was being horrible to me. And it is much more peaceful now. It's just I keep remembering the good bits, especially at the beginning, when I know he loved me. It's just so strange how he changed, and went from loving me to seemingly hating me.

Yes sometimes I do feel that he has abdicated his responsibilities and checked out. A lot of our arguments especially at the beginning, were about him not wanting to take on certain responsibilities as a husband and a dad. I think even then he just wanted a quiet life, and to be left alone to do his hobbies.

@inkieink sorry to hear you have been through something similar. I really relate to what you said about not looking after yourself and always caring for others. That was exactly the same with me. I was so supportive of him and always trying to make him happy, and I realise now it wasn't very balanced at all.

That's so true about rediscovering what makes us happy and finding moments of joy where we can. Hitchhiking around Ireland sounds great! I realise that I totally lost myself in my marriage. I don't feel I even know what makes me happy any more. I went to an event today with the dc, and there were lots of crafts there, sewing, knitting etc, and I felt really inspired as I used to do all that but haven't for years, and I know it brought me a lot of joy at the time.

And that's a very good point about making the right choices for us, rather than the ones that just stop the pain in the short term. I kind of knew when I was speaking to my ex and hinting about us trying again, that I wasn't in the most balanced, healthy place, but I was feeling so desperate! It's a lot about not being part of a "whole" family as well, but I need to keep reminding myself that families come in all shapes and sizes.

It sounds to me like he detached a long time ago but didn’t have the guts to end it (like so many men) and was probably happy that you did the work for him.

it wouldn’t work if you got back together anyway and he sounds not very pleasant.

Hopefully your counselling sessions will help you to move on.

There are so many different dynamics and emotions involved in relationships but the advice I would always give any woman in any situation is this..

Never chase a man. If you’re having to convince him and talk him round then it’s never going to be a relationship that makes you happy, even if you did convince him to get back together.

It's all made worse as he lives nearby and I see him a lot because of the kids, and we share finances etc. I feel like I'm living in limbo and can't move on.

Take steps to ensure you see less of him - as little as possible. He is not your friend - he is your children's father.

Stop sharing finances! Gather all financial documentation (including pensions) and see an experienced family solicitor. Start the divorce process.

Focus on the practicalities whilst continuing your therapy. But counselling should now focus on helping you build your future. At this point there is little benefit in continuing to try and understand him and your marriage.

No advice but I read your post and it resonated with me as I am in a very similar position. In fact this post could literally fit my life too. It's so so unbelievably hard and you constantly mourn the loss of what was and the future you had planned together. It sounds like you're still grieving and grief can take a really long time to work through. I just want to say I get it and I feel your pain. Sending you a hug x

My heart goes out to you OP, for what is clearly a very upsetting situation for you.

But from what you've said, he does not sound like a particularly nice man, and it does not sound like you had a healthy marriage.

Instead, it sounds like you have done all of the emotional heavy lifting throughout your relationship and that early on he trained you to believe that your understandable frustration with his laziness was actually your problem, and your poor communication. Even when you've tied yourself in knots to fix things, he's responded by stonewalling you (which is abusive behaviour BTW).

It's very sad that he has struggled with his mental health, but I bet that yet again you went above and beyond to support him, which he repaid by treating you appallingly.

And now, he's managed to engineer the breakdown in your relationship to be your fault yet again.

Kindly OP, how much effort did he put into the marriage over the years? Do you honestly think he would have gone to the effort of therapy and studying communication styles in order to try to make you happier, to be a better husband to you? You've invested all the work, and that's probably why it is so painful to let go now. He has invested less, so has less to lose.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TMDo54DqUQo

Listen to these lyrics. I think they’ll resonate.

@SholaA yes I think he did detach a long time ago. I sensed it, and this made me even more anxious. I finally got him to admit that his feelings for me had changed. He hadn't wanted to tell me this, as he wanted to stay together for the children and finances. I could possibly have stayed with him if he'd genuinely cared for me as a person, even if maybe he didn't find me attractive any more. But the way he behaved towards me, it was like he resented me, and disliked me, so I just couldn't carry on like that.

@kitty1993 thank you, and I'm so sorry you're in a similar position. It is just unbelievably hard isn't it. I've cried most days for the past year and I wake up every night at 3am and don't get back to sleep. It's the loss of the dream of family life. I thought he and I would always be together, we had plans for when the dc left home, retirement etc. It felt so heartbreaking when he started to talk about his plans for the future that didn't include me. I just still can't believe how his feelings changed so much. And the pain of being without the dc when they are at his is another heartbreak.

I'm not saying it's easier when there is an OW involved, I can't imagine how awful that situation must be. But the fact that he seems to prefer being on his own than being with me is also really painful. When I was talking to him yesterday, and we talked about relationships, and as well as the comment about drama, he also said "Once bitten, twice shy", I guess meaning that his relationship with me was so bad, it's put him off.

As you say, I am definitely still grieving, it feels like a very long process at this point!

Sending you a hug too

@cheeseismydownfall thank you.

It's hard to summarise a relationship in a couple of paragraphs and I don't want to paint him as an awful man. He has good points and challenging points. But that said, I definitely did do the emotional heavy lifting in our marriage. He actually told me once that emotional connection was not at all important to him, I think he was just very happy to live side by side, not really connecting in that way. He said he showed his love through providing financially, so maybe it was a case of different love languages.

But yes, he was definitely emotionally abusive at times. I think he just couldn't deal with talking about any issues, so used to just shut it down.

I don't know if anyone has seen the BBC programme "Ludwig" with David Mitchell in it. My daughter and I think my ex is very similar to him!

I don't think he did put much effort into the marriage to be honest, I think he saw marriage as something he could just coast along in, without having to really make an effort.
"You've invested all the work, and that's probably why it is so painful to let go now. He has invested less, so has less to lose."
That resonates with me - I was hugely invested in it.

All that said, I do think he loved me in his own way. I still feel I love him, but I know he can't/ won't put the effort in, or communicate in a healthy way. And in any case, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

That's great, I haven't heard that song before! And yes the lyrics definitely do resonate!

Point being - he wasn’t a better man. And of course you’ll miss the “magic” - but you know why you had to leave.

I found a bloke called Matthew Hussey on YouTube and some of his videos and interviews really helped me to come to terms with the situation. One of the things he talks about is focussing on your identity and spending time doing the things that are amportant to you. When we make our relationship our entire identity it can make it hard to come to terms with it ending because it feels like the end of everything we were.

Missing the children is so hard and can feel consuming at points. I remember thinking I didn't become a parent to only see my daughter 50% of the time (we currently share daughter 50/50 split) but I've found it helps me to spend my child free time doing things for my daughter, even if it's just tidying her room or making a nice meal for when she comes back to my house. Even though she's not here I still feel like I'm parenting her.

Be kind to yourself. We cannot control grief or make it stop. The passing of time will eventually dilute the pain of grief xx

I really feel for you OP. What you've described sounds very similar to the relationship between my very, very old friend and her DH. I've known them both for decades and although I don't think he is a bad man, he is extremely self sufficient, totally self contained, and really quite selfish. Not in a deliberate way, I don't think, but I've watched my lovely, warm and easy going friend have her self esteem worn away over the years, leaving her unhappy and very anxious. It's been heartbreaking to watch - she defends him to the hilt but it is clear from the outside that she is the one that has put all the effort into their marriage and he simply can't or won't meet her half way. She now labels herself as "emotional" and "needy", when in reality she was/is not these things at all and simply wants a normal level of emotional connection in her marriage.

It is a massive cliche but you need to put the past behind you and focus on loving yourself, rediscovering yourself. It's heartbreaking to be apart from your children, but try to see this as an opportunity to invest in yourself. It's the best possible gift you can give them, to have a mother who is thriving and has a strong sense of her own identity independent of her role as wife and mother.

(And I'm sorry but fobbing you off about showing his love through providing financially is just bullshit. So if he had left to live on the other side of the world and never seen you again, but sent you money every month, that would meet his criteria for a loving relationship?)

I don't know why you think it's your fault. If you are a husband and father you cant just expect to be left alone and retreat into yourself leaving your wife to do everything. Sorry but no I'd expect a basic level of communication just to keep everything running.

Op, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am still in my relationship, but so much if what you describe resonates.
Its so hard when you love someone heart and soul, and you are an open and communicative being…but your partner, for whatever reason is so much more closed off and independent.
The reason it is (I think) the most difficult, is because when you ARE an emotionally open person, who craves a deep connection based on communication and open heartedness, it is almost impossible to truly believe that some people just don’t have that want or need. That actually they treasure their self sufficiency above anything else…even someone who they love more deeply than they have before.
So we go along believing that if we could just do the right thing, or say the right thing, or be the perfect person, we could unlock the part of them that we think they hold back and they would love us in the way we love them, and we’d be invincible and happy together.
what I’m beginning to realise is that, actually, some people just don’t have that part of themselves, for whatever reason. Its not that they are withholding, its just that it doesnt exist.
And thats really, really hard to understand, or accept, because ultimately it means they can never offer us love the way we need it.
We have to accept that. We stay and live with less than we need and are always a little bit heartbroken because we believe the relationship could be so much more, or we leave and are heartbroken because we believe we have failed to ‘unlock’ them and will always wish we’d found a way.
Either way its bloody crushing.
I really hope that you manage to find peace with it, and with your new life.

@kitty1993 thank you, I have just looked up Matthew Hussey and he looks really good!

Yes, I think I did make my relationship, and my family, my entire identity, which I know was not healthy. And that's probably why I feel so lost now, I honestly don't know how to go forward, or what the future looks like. I've got a job but it's not my passion or anything, and I don't really have any hobbies. So I think (for the first time in my life!) I really need to start thinking about what I want to do.

That's a good idea to still do something for the dc even when they are at my ex's house. I'm actually planning to redecorate their rooms so that will hopefully be nice for them.

Thank you - yes I'm sure time is the only way to heal this grief. All the best to you too x

Your post made me sad for you because you put so much work into putting things right in your marriage, your husband did nothing, and now you are accepting blame for things going wrong. Why? Please focus on you - therapy, exercise, new classes and clubs you enjoy. You will come out of this and love again. X