Miss my exDH and family being together so much

[Silvergrape]

I separated from my ex husband a year ago. We'd been married for 20 years, and have 2 dc (teens). Our relationship had always had ups and downs but I felt we really did love each other.

The last few years of our marriage were awful - he had a mental breakdown and stopped working. He was at home all day - angry, depressed and withdrawn. He acted like he couldn't stand me. I was so devastated.

If there was ever an issue in our marriage, I would want to talk about it and sort it out. I admit at the beginning of the marriage I would blame him for things (eg he didn't do housework etc), and i would sometimes get upset etc. But then I had a lot of therapy, studied counselling, and learned a lot of communication techniques. By the end I think I was communicating healthily with him. However, his response to me if he didn't want to talk about something was to stonewall me, or get passive aggressive. He's not a direct communicator and I really struggled with that.

He had some lovely parts of his character and difficult parts (same as me).

Since the separation, we are co parenting amicably. But I feel so heartbroken about the break up of our family. I'm still grieving so much a year down the line. And I feel I still don't really understand what went wrong with my ex and I.

During our relationship, we'd been to marriage counselling twice, things got a bit better but then went downhill again.

Anyway yesterday I phoned him as I just wanted to get some clarity from him. I was feeling like I still loved him and missed him. I wanted to test the water and see if he would be willing to try again. Neither of us have moved on or started dating again.

I asked him a few questions and he said that he wasn't interested in dating at the moment as "relationships are always full of drama". I felt terrible when he said that, and apologised if I had caused the drama in our relationship. I explained that it was just that I wanted to connect with him, and I felt he was always withdrawing from me. He said that he just wants peace and a simple life. He said that he thinks our energies were mismatched.

I feel so devastated, as I still love him. But it's clear he doesn't love me. I'm now feeling like the relationship breakdown was my fault for being too emotional. He told me recently that he thinks of me as a co parent, and a "human being". I just don't know how he can be so detached after 20 years of marriage.

It's all made worse as he lives nearby and I see him a lot because of the kids, and we share finances etc. I feel like I'm living in limbo and can't move on. But he seems quite happy with the situation.

I miss him and our family being together so so much.

@cheeseismydownfall Your friend's relationship does sound so similar to mine! And also the description of her DH - self sufficient, self contained and really quite selfish - sounds like my exDH too!

That's what happened to me as well - I felt over the years my self esteem and confidence being eroded, leaving me an anxious mess. The confusing thing is that we can see that the man is not a horrible person, actually can be sweet and caring occasionally, but the majority of the time is so wrapped up in themselves. I was often ignored, and my needs and emotions were ignored. You adapt, and try to justify their behaviour, and feel that you are the problem for being "too emotional".

That makes sense what you say about rediscovering myself and having a strong sense of my own identity - I can see that I've been so consumed with my identity in the relationship that I don't know who I am any more.

"So if he had left to live on the other side of the world and never seen you again, but sent you money every month, that would meet his criteria for a loving relationship?"
That made me smile - because yes, I think that would meet his criteria for a loving relationship! 😫

In fairness he could have used the opportunity to string you along for sex but he has made it clear that it's over.

You will get over him in time but twenty years is a long time and it's only natural to take time to grieve.

@Passtheduchess thank you so much, that's a very good summary of the situation, and has helped me to understand it even more!

That's exactly it - I just couldn't (and still can't) believe that someone would treasure their self sufficiency over honest, open, emotional connection - but you're right, some people just don't have that part of themselves, or don't have the desire for that type of connection.

And that's it, I think all my "trying" for years, of counselling, reading books about self development and relationships, learning communication techniques - was all to try to unlock that part of my exDH so that we could actually have a deeply connected relationship. But now I realise that there's nothing I could have done or could do - this is how he is.

Thinking about it, I think he came to this realisation a few years ago - he said to me "I can't be the person you want me to be". And I think it was around this time that his feelings for me started to change - maybe it was a very painful realisation for him, as perhaps he did want to have more connection, but didn't have the capacity. I don't know, I'm just imagining really.

So yes the two options when you find yourself in a relationship like this are to either accept that your need for connection, open communication, and to be seen and acknowledged as a person will never be met, or you leave. And its so hard when you deeply love them as a person and know that they are just being themselves and not meaning to hurt you, but just don't have the desire or capacity to change.

I hope you find peace too

all my "trying" for years, of counselling, reading books about self development and relationships, learning communication techniques - was all to try to unlock that part of my exDH so that we could actually have a deeply connected relationship. But now I realise that there's nothing I could have done or could do - this is how he is.

I can really empathise with this. Anyone in a relationship with such a person has to decide whether to accept them as they are and take steps to become more self sufficient and less emotionally vulnerable - or leave and find someone more compatible. It's never an easy decision and depends on so many other factors. Or, as in your case, the decision was taken out of your hand because his feelings for you changed.