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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was I in the wrong again?

44 replies

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 06:04

I feel like my husbands stress levels dictate our relationship. When he isn’t stressed we’re good, when he is stressed I’m the most unsupportive wife apparently who takes his mood too personally. It’s clear he doesn’t like me, in fact he told me exactly that the last time he was stressed.

So he is stressed, things are tense at home, we are due to take the children out and this conversation happens:

Me “can we go?”
DH “you’ve been late before and I never say anything”
Me “you’re not actually running late, you two (DH & our DD) are just mucking around with a debobbler”
DH “You had to get the last word in didn’t you”.
Me “says he”
DH gives a sarcastic laugh.

I just take the children to go the car at this point. He follows.

I know I shouldn’t have made the “says he” comment but what else did I do wrong?! How should I have approached the conversation. I need to learn how to stop fuelling these arguments. I felt I needed to respond to him the first time because he was fuelling the narrative in his head that I was nagging. When I simple asked if we can leave as time was getting short. Is that nagging? Should I have just waited until he was ready?

OP posts:

festivemouse · 21/02/2025 06:12

"Can we go" is quite an abrupt way to open the chat if you're not late? And then to needle in about him and DD "mucking around"?

I'd normally be saying something like "Are you guys ready? Think we should set off in a few minutes!" or "just going to pop my shoes on and I'm good to go, are you guys ready?"

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2025 06:20

Sounds like you're just both sniping at each other, is it always like this?

Original poster

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 06:22

I didn’t see “can we go” as being abrupt so thank you, I will take that onboard. Are you guys ready would have been better, although I’m not sure that would have made a difference to the response I got. Something to think about.

Just wanted to add that we all had our shoes and coats on. Except DH. We weren’t late, but we had errands to run on our way somewhere and time was getting short.

OP posts:

Original poster

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 06:30

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2025 06:20

Sounds like you're just both sniping at each other, is it always like this?

When he is stressed, yes, it’s like this all the time. I feel like he takes offence to every word I say. So I’m reflecting on what it is I’m doing wrong, to stop this cycle.

I need to try to save this marriage quickly for the children, I fear we’re too far gone.

OP posts:

category12 · 21/02/2025 06:30

Maybe you guys need to go to relationship counselling to reset your communication if that's the problem?

But if you feel that it's true that he doesn't like you anymore then maybe it's time to think about what splitting might look like.

BilboBlaggin · 21/02/2025 06:34

Why is he so stressed and how often is he like this? You shouldn't be continually stepping on eggshells, afraid to speak.

PerambulationFrustration · 21/02/2025 06:35

Why is he stressed in that example? Because of going out or something else?

Original poster

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 06:51

He is stressed because of work, he’s been like this for over 3 weeks now.

When he is like this he goes cold towards me, doesn’t look at me, touch me, can barely communicate, everything I say is wrong. It’s normally just me though, he carries on normally with the kids and everyone at work.

He doesn’t see that as a problem though. I’m the one who takes it too personally apparently.

OP posts:

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 06:54

Stress does not give someone a free pass to be so unpleasant. You are nobody's whipping boy.

I used to lie about the necessary departure time to my ex as he would do stuff like start hoovering when he never hoovers (!) but he knew we had to leave. We are getting divorced.

Op, it doesn't sound like he likes you very much at all, does it?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 06:55

And you should take it personally. Absolutely. Because it's directed at you.

Do you like him, op? Why don't you focus on what you want.

BilboBlaggin · 21/02/2025 07:00

You need to have a conversation with him when he's calmer and make it clear his treatment of you is not acceptable. Of course you will take it personally if you're the only one being treated coldly. He needs to find another way to deal with stress, be it exercise, therapy, a hobby, whatever, but not take it out on you and expect you to be happy about it. If this is a regular occurrence OP then tell him to shape up or ship out.

Original poster

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 07:02

When he isn’t like this things are good, he’s a great dad, I love him.

The last time this happened was September. That’s when he told me he doesn’t like me. I just get so upset when he’s treating me like this, but he is so adamant that I’m the bad guy that I question if I am really a horrible person. Maybe he is right if I am approaching him abruptly.

OP posts:

category12 · 21/02/2025 07:06

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 06:51

He is stressed because of work, he’s been like this for over 3 weeks now.

He doesn’t see that as a problem though. I’m the one who takes it too personally apparently.

Not sure you should be running around trying to smooth things over.

More like you need a serious sit-down or with a counsellor.

Also, is there any sense he might have had his head turned, if this is a recent change? As often an affair or justifying starting one can cause the person to villainise the spouse.

PerambulationFrustration · 21/02/2025 07:16

Have you both addressed what he said about not liking you?
This is not acceptable. Tell him to get some counselling and learn some strategies on how to deal with stress.
Does he do any exercise?
He needs to change jobs if he can't handle the stress and resorts to belittling and bullying his wife.
And you need to make it clear that you're not going to accept this treatment.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 07:19

Was the can we go not a passive aggressive comment as they were in your view messing around and you were impatient, hence why he responsed with he never says anything when it’s you?

inread that exchange as you sniping at him as you were annoyed and wanted to leave.

Original poster

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 07:25

No I don’t think it’s an affair, could be wrong obviously but if anything it’s the opposite. He has no mental capacity for anything else whilst he is stressed with work.

Do you know what I’ve just realised. Our youngest started school in September and he insisted I increase my days at work. He wanted me to work 5 days, I insisted on 4 and I told him he has to help with the school runs more. Septembers meltdown was because of that, we’ve ended up paying someone to help with two of his turns! I asked him to help more with the washing in January and now this has followed. He belittled my job in an argument the other day! I still bring in around £50k a year for my 4 days. He earns double that so my contribution is not as important.

OP posts:

Original poster

Relationship101 · 21/02/2025 07:28

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 07:19

Was the can we go not a passive aggressive comment as they were in your view messing around and you were impatient, hence why he responsed with he never says anything when it’s you?

inread that exchange as you sniping at him as you were annoyed and wanted to leave.

I wasn’t intending to be passive aggressive, I was literally asking can we go, as we needed to go. But I accept it hasn’t come across as I intended.

OP posts:

NeedsMustNet · 21/02/2025 07:31

Can we go? is a completely reasonable statement. Someone could deliver it in a sardonic way and make it sound snipey but you would have told us if you had done that.

As women we already police ourselves and society polices us for being too assertive / bossy / feisty. We don’t need husbands who do that too.

When there is a whisper of gaslighting in a relationship then conversations like this seem to play over and over on the gaslighted person’s mind. Because being told you are in the wrong / having comments constantly taken the wrong way will make you feel on edge. Would he read a relationship book if you asked him to?

Moodypony · 21/02/2025 07:33

I think you should get your own therapist because there might be more going on here.

When you say he gets stressed, do you find yourself walking on eggshells to keep him calm? The comments from him just come unexpectedly out of the blue? Critiscm that seems unjustified?

Moodypony · 21/02/2025 07:34

You're not going to change him, by the way, unless he wants to change.

category12 · 21/02/2025 07:35

Ah, maybe you as a couple need to rethink the work situation. Maybe he could drop a day or something?

If his job is so stressful and he resents you not working full-time, then something needs to change.

If you're both on such good money, I'd look at making lifestyle changes as a family so he can work less or more flexibly.

It may be an ego thing about him having the Big Job but I wouldn't pander to that.

StormingNorman · 21/02/2025 07:41

If he’s telling you you’re not the problem, you need to believe him and let his moods go over your head. Don’t let them upset you - there’s nothing for you to be upset or worried about.

The conversation above sounds like you’re both at the end of your tether. My DH would faff around like this while I’m stood with my shoes and coat on and I would just make a joke “shall I make us a cup of tea while you debobble”? It usually focuses the mind that we need to get out the door without having to hurry him up.

PerambulationFrustration · 21/02/2025 07:44

Oh right. He wants the magical wife who brings in £££'s, does all the housework and childcare and knows her subservient place.

kitchenhelprequired · 21/02/2025 07:45

Sounds like things are fine if you keep the equilibrium and don't ask or expect more of him. He has no issue demanding more from you but isn't willing to take on more himself. It's a familiar story. You've just realised it's not about work stress but about you asking for more of a contribution to family life. Does work come first for him?

theansweris42 · 21/02/2025 07:49

What perambulation said.

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