Was I in the wrong again?

[Relationship101]

I feel like my husbands stress levels dictate our relationship. When he isn’t stressed we’re good, when he is stressed I’m the most unsupportive wife apparently who takes his mood too personally. It’s clear he doesn’t like me, in fact he told me exactly that the last time he was stressed.

So he is stressed, things are tense at home, we are due to take the children out and this conversation happens:

Me “can we go?”
DH “you’ve been late before and I never say anything”
Me “you’re not actually running late, you two (DH & our DD) are just mucking around with a debobbler”
DH “You had to get the last word in didn’t you”.
Me “says he”
DH gives a sarcastic laugh.

I just take the children to go the car at this point. He follows.

I know I shouldn’t have made the “says he” comment but what else did I do wrong?! How should I have approached the conversation. I need to learn how to stop fuelling these arguments. I felt I needed to respond to him the first time because he was fuelling the narrative in his head that I was nagging. When I simple asked if we can leave as time was getting short. Is that nagging? Should I have just waited until he was ready?

This. OP, I started threads just like this in 2010. It took me another 12 years to really work out what was going on and get out, and it nearly broke me.

It seems to me that most people on here are trying to encourage OP to passify her 'D'H when he's being a total knob. Why should she watch her every word and tiptoe around the bear just because he's stressed? Ffs if ANYONE said they didn't like me I certainly wouldn't be making any effort with them and if was my DH I would leave. Life is too short to live it on eggshells and I promise you, you are doing your kids no favours by teaching them to be compliant or submissive in the face of unreasonable behaviour. I'm sorry you're married to such a twat OP 💐

He's the problem from your other posts, there's nothing you can fix other than leaving

@StormingNorman if I made that joke I know for sure I’d be called passive aggressive and be accused of starting an argument.

I think I know deep down that this marriage is done but I have to know that I have tried absolutely everything to make this work. Then I can walk away without any doubts that this marriage failing was not my fault.

I will keep self reflecting until I reach that point.

I don't really get it, this example sounds like such a non event. You did seem to need to get the last word by saying he's not late just messing around with the bobbler. If he wasn't late and he was doing something with your daughter what was the issue really. I don't know about the rest of the relationship but I can't see what the drama is about this event.

What he's doing op, is showing you his displeasure when you ask him to step up. This way he trains you into not asking him to use his precious free time for things you should be doing.
He prioritises his comfort over you, no matter how much you're doing. He really doesn't like you or care for you much. Just what you can do for him.
If you want to try then have the conversation around what is going on here.

well your contribution is significant so if i were you i would go to work 5 days and split EVERY chore down the middle or tell your H you are going to be a SAHP … he can’t have his cake and eat it… it seems to me if you threatened a split he would buck up and realise… maybe ask for a trial separation just to let him see how his life would be without you doing all his chores/laundry/cooking/cleaning/ironing/
childcare/odd jobs around the house
If you did try a separation it would have to be for at least 3 months as when it’s a few weeks the other half just sees it as a jolly

I think, unless you've been in this situation, it's hard to see that it's the non events that just drip drip drip. Then its very easy to be gaslit into thinking you're making a drama out of nothing.

You spend you life walking on eggshells, trying to keep them calm and happy, but you actually never know what is going to trigger them.

My therapist suggested a book called "tye Verbally Abusive Relationship " which might be worth a read.

he sounds like your average abuser. He feels better about his life when he has a psychological punch bag. As for the advice from other op’s on how to force him to at least pretend he is halfway decent. Why? For whose benefit? What’s the good in controlling someone to hide their abusive side? Maybe if the advice given works he’ll stop being abusive and find someone else to discharge his hatred on and at least op can pretend a little longer they’re not with someone who doesn’t love them.

She'd be silly to become a SAHM with the marriage like this.

I would also hold off on going back full-time because it's incredibly unlikely he'd step up to do half since they're paying someone to do his pick ups already. No point her killing herself to appease him and the kids being at the sharp end of it, when he will still dickwave about having the Big Important Job.

He's the one that needs to make some changes if he's not coping with his work.

Sounds to me that you both have very high pressure jobs as you’ve divulged your salaries on here. Career stress can really take its toll on family life and marriages. Sounds like you both have big jobs. It’s hard to switch off from work and does affect mental health and well being. Regarding the situation that brought you onto here about nit picking each other trying to leave the house.. I hope no one gets offended generalising however I think that’s fairly normal in a lot of busy, tired, house holds. We’re the same in my household. Myself, two teenage daughters, we are very rarely ready on time to leave (they take ages getting ready nowadays). My husband takes 5 minutes. I use to notice he wasn’t ready and it irritated the hell out of me. I used to say something and it usually started an argument which would set the tone for the journey too. However as he pointed out, he only needs to put his shoes on so doesn’t take as long as us to get ready. I have noticed our triggers for petty arguments are generated from tiredness and me fueling an argument to reconnect as they always start the first time we have any time together after a long stressful week. It takes two to fuel an argument of course but I like to believe I have the higher emotional intelligence to notice what triggers it. So now, I choose to remain calm and quiet in the situations that I notice cause unnecessary flare ups. Mindfulness is a good tool to help control how we react. It helps us feel better about ourselves and can also help flip situations around so they’re less reactive.

So, just to be clear, he wants you to work full time and do all housework and childcare. The ‘stress’ fuelled lashing out happens when you refuse and/or require him to step up (please don’t call it help, doing his share of domestic. Labour is not a favour he’s doing you)?

Hmm. Is there a reason that your instinctive reaction to the above is to placate, as opposed to fury that you’re being shabbily treated?

I work part-time, term-time and still don’t have time to keep my house tidy and keep up with the laundry. So no wonder you and your husband are finding the household chores challenging as you both have executive full time jobs. I feel very grateful for a good job that fits around doing the school runs and for my husband working hard to support us (my occupation would never pay what he earns) I would love to work full time and earn more money to enable us to have nice holidays etc. but know once our kids are older I will feel comfortable returning to full time employment and increase the income. If I had an executive full time role I would need the support of a child minder to do the school runs and employ a cleaner to do our chores. Maybe you and your husband could discuss the help you need to keep on top of the pressures.

Yes what @PerambulationFrustration said.

op I am recently out of a relationship like this.

i am gutted but with a bit of distance I can see he didn’t like me anymore and the reason for this was I wasn’t perfect and expected things from him. It’s soul destroying living with someone who doesn’t like you/respect you.

i like you was always looking for answers and trying to adapt things to fix it…. But actually your only chance with men like this is to force them to respect you by saying NO! You will not treat me like this else I will leave. They might let you go ( my ex did because ultimately he knew he could replace me with someone who wouldn’t challenge him) but I think if I had stood up to him sooner and stopped the rot he would have likely have wound his neck in and stopped using me as a whipping post for his bad moods…
Ultimately it’s deep rooted sexist believes.

stand up for yourself. Good luck

@Doingmybest12 We needed to leave as we were running out of time. When I said “you’re not actually running late” I meant he wasn’t still trying to get ready, we could just leave and have enough time.

I’ve also just realised the instances he is referring to about me being late and him not saying anything. I was running late because as I went to get ready i.e shower, curl my hair, make up he decided to have a nap on the sofa. So I was doing the kids dinners and get myself and the kids ready both times, until I eventually made him wake up and get himself ready. That is his social anxiety though, and another thing I just have to put up with or I’m unsupportive.

"I think I know deep down that this marriage is done but I have to know that I have tried absolutely everything to make this work. Then I can walk away without any doubts that this marriage failing was not my fault".

The fault here lies with him and he alone. His actions and choices have caused this marriage to be over. What do you know about his family background here if anything?. The clues often lie there.

You've already done enough (more than enough) and you only have to give your own self permission to leave. There is nothing more you can do here re him and he does not want to be rescued and or saved by you. This is who he really is; an abuser who treats all other outsiders sweetly.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your children also need to learn that lesson as well as you.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue. It's about power and control and he wants absolute here over you and any DC he has.

Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment just as you have when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Like so many abusers too, he is not nasty all the time. If he was you would not want to be with him.

He does not treat people in the outside world or his work colleagues like this. No, his abuse of you is saved for you and in turn his children who he does not give a fig about either. If he loved you he would not be treating you like this. He hates women, ALL of them.

What he is also showing you OP is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I would also urge you to get in touch with Womens Aid here.

He does not have social anxiety; he wanted to make you late deliberately and he would also start an argument in an empty room.

Read about DARVO; I would not be surprised if he was doing this to you as well in his engineered arguments/ private based war against you.

I've been there, when nothing you do is right and it genuinely feels like you annoy the hell out of the person who is supposed to love you most. You shouldn't ignore it, put up with it or change your behaviour to try and avoid the situation (unless you really believe you are being antagonistic).

His work stress is his to handle, as is his share of child raising and other tasks associated with being an adult. He doesn't get to take it out on you if he can't cope. I know you want to save the marriage for the DCs sake but that doesn't sound like a good atmosphere for them to be in anyway.