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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Previously thought I was bi

48 replies

SamNF · 20/02/2025 20:45

Hi

Some advice needed if that is ok.

i was abused as a child and it led me into a homosexual relationship years ago.

That was in my 20s I’m now 45. Having gone through the process of the crime of abuse being dealt with, it made me realise that I really wasn’t bi at all. Since then I’ve dated women again.

I’m now in a committed relationship and for the first time in my life, i’m very happy. But I haven’t told her about the bi thing and it’s eating away at me. I love her dearly and will propose at some point.

does she have the right to know? Is it even relevant? I just don’t want the hideous life I had due to my stepfather to haunt me even more.

I’m a regular guy, never cheated and try to do the right thing.

any advice is very welcome.

OP posts:
SerenStarEtoile · 20/02/2025 22:06

Hi OP

It might be worth you looking at other posts on the Relationships thread. I’m not sure what other’s views might be on keeping something secret - probably not the same as mine but …

Personally, I’m not sure I would say, because this all happened 20 years ago. You’ve emerged from the other side, have things together; is it going to be helpful dragging that baggage into your relationship? Sometimes, the thought of being seen as “the victim” can be enough reason not tell all.

I hope you find a decision that’s right for you, because it’s your story to tell - or not.

Original poster
SamNF · 21/02/2025 04:40

Thank you. It’s pretty much where my head is. Some things are best left in the past.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/02/2025 06:22

I'm so sorry you experienced that.

I would consider if family or friends/acquaintances may mention your history, as it might be unsettling for her to find out about male exes from someone else.

But other than that, it's your information and up to you how much you share. She doesn't have a "right" to know. Including about your trauma.

You could talk about it as an "experimental phaseifor something if you wanted it out there but didn't want to unload the whole of it. Obviously there's some risk in sharing as there is prejudice but you're best placed to judge what sort of person she is.

It may be that you want to share it or some of it, but I would make sure you know her very well and are fairly sure of her attitudes to sexuality and trauma.

Original poster
SamNF · 21/02/2025 12:49

Thank you.

I have talked her through the abuse as that was important for me to tell her. But the after affects,
such as above, not so much.

I’ve said I thought I was bi for a while but didn’t go any further.

OP posts:
Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 13:24

I would want to know as i would not enter into a relationship with a bi man or someone that was even bi curious.

I was also abused as a child, I'm sorry for that happening to you.

Alalalala · 21/02/2025 13:27

But he’s not bi, that was an artefact of his abuse and he’s gained clarity now.

Does your partner know about the abuse? I would want to know everything about my partner so that they could be their authentic self with me.

So sorry for what you suffered OP.

category12 · 21/02/2025 13:28

There you go, prejudice 🙄

Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 13:31

I'm not prejudiced op. I also wouldn't be with a man if I knew he'd had a threesome for example, there's a few things on my list.

Girlmom35 · 21/02/2025 13:35

Personally I don't think a spouse needs to know every detail about your past dating life, as long as it won't come and influence your current relationship.
However, this isn't the same as doing a few crazy things on holiday. This is about a major trauma in your life, something you'll likely be processing for the rest of your life. I can't imagine sharing my life with someone who didn't know about these major events in my life.
You're going to need her at some point. She's going to have to be your shoulder to cry on. She's supposed to be safe.
If you don't see her taking up that role and standing by you, then that doesn't mean you should hide it. It means she's not the one for you.

Specso · 21/02/2025 13:38

Everyone will have a different opinion on this but I’d be honest about it if you plan on spending the rest of your life with her. The past has a habit of coming out eventually even if someone else mentions it to her or something.

It really depends on her as an individual and how you think she’d react if she found out in the future and you hadn’t told her. Some people wouldn’t mind but others would be upset that you didn’t tell them. None of us know her so you would be the best judge of how she might react.

In my experience in life honesty is usually the best policy.

Original poster
SamNF · 21/02/2025 14:06

Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 13:31

I'm not prejudiced op. I also wouldn't be with a man if I knew he'd had a threesome for example, there's a few things on my list.

🤦🏻

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 21/02/2025 14:16

Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 13:24

I would want to know as i would not enter into a relationship with a bi man or someone that was even bi curious.

I was also abused as a child, I'm sorry for that happening to you.

I also would want to know and think that I would not want to be with a man who had had previous gay experiences.

I'm not prejudiced about bisexual or gay men at all. Happy for them to crack on and do whatever they want with each other. It is just something that I don't find attractive in a partner for myself.

And I not ashamed of that at all.

If I was your partner OP I would feel very betrayed if I later found out. But if I was happy with you then it might also not turn out to be as big of a deal as I think it would be.

Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 14:34

SamNF · 21/02/2025 14:06

🤦🏻

Show quote history

Dobthis allyou want but I'm allowed to choose who I'd shag.

So is your girlfriend, so he honest.

Original poster
SamNF · 21/02/2025 14:36

This isn’t about shagging or threesomes.

think you missed the point.

OP posts:
crankytoes · 21/02/2025 14:41

Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 13:24

I would want to know as i would not enter into a relationship with a bi man or someone that was even bi curious.

I was also abused as a child, I'm sorry for that happening to you.

He's not bi so it wouldn't be relevant

Gymbunny2025 · 21/02/2025 15:42

Geesgirl · 21/02/2025 13:24

I would want to know as i would not enter into a relationship with a bi man or someone that was even bi curious.

I was also abused as a child, I'm sorry for that happening to you.

I agree totally.

Gymbunny2025 · 21/02/2025 15:44

(Includes someone not bi but has had a homosexual relationship)

popduckhe · 21/02/2025 17:01

2024onwardsandup · 21/02/2025 14:16

I also would want to know and think that I would not want to be with a man who had had previous gay experiences.

I'm not prejudiced about bisexual or gay men at all. Happy for them to crack on and do whatever they want with each other. It is just something that I don't find attractive in a partner for myself.

And I not ashamed of that at all.

If I was your partner OP I would feel very betrayed if I later found out. But if I was happy with you then it might also not turn out to be as big of a deal as I think it would be.

Show quote history

This happened to me. I was in a relationship and he told me he had previous experience with men when he was in an unhappy place in his life. It caused huge conflict with myself. I saw him in a different light as I also don't find that attractive. We split.

Thisistyresome · 21/02/2025 17:15

Always a bad idea to give a misleading impression about your past to a partner. Best route is to set an expectation early, and be open if they want to ask more. Some people will want to know specifics others will have no interest in knowing. But it needs to be clear to them if there are things to ask.

Aside from honesty being the best default in life, imagine if a partner forms a particular impression of you and then discovers you are wildly different, it could end things quickly and far more painfully than it needed to be.

LilacRaven · 21/02/2025 17:30

crankytoes · 21/02/2025 14:41

He's not bi so it wouldn't be relevant

Show quote history

He is bi by most people's definition.

He has currently decided he wants a relationship with a women but by having relationships by both in the past he is bi-sexual.

I don't think there's anything wrong with someone not wanting to date a bi man. I also don't believe he should have to disclose this information upfront but also believe if asked the question directly he should tell the truth.

I'm also very sorry to hear about the OPs abuse and to hear it still has an impact on your life.

Dery · 21/02/2025 18:09

@SamNF - as is so often the case in life, there is no single right answer to this. It depends on you and her.

You don’t have to tell her but these things have a way of coming out and she may resent you not having told her. If she’s someone you think you could spend your life with, you should be able to tell her.

My DH (together 25 years) had a few same-sex encounters as a very young man. It didn’t bother me at all. He had slept with a much larger number of women than I had men. That bothered me a bit initially (I mean the number, which was high) but I appreciated his honesty. Haven’t thought about any of this for years!

Good luck, OP.

Anxioustealady · 21/02/2025 18:14

SamNF · 21/02/2025 14:06

🤦🏻

Show quote history

Why ask if you're going to have that response?

People are allowed their own preferences for who they have relationships with.

NameChangedOfc · 21/02/2025 20:35

SamNF · 21/02/2025 14:06

🤦🏻

Show quote history

Isn't she allowed boundaries? Does she not gets to choose her own partners? I honestly don't get the facepalm.

WilfredsPies · 21/02/2025 21:03

What happened to you was horrific and you have every right to put it in the past, where it belongs, and move on with your life, and work on the basis that your previous same sex relationship is none of your current partner’s business. And you’d be right. It isn’t.

However, whether you like it or not, she’s got a right to feel or lose her attraction to you for any reason you can think of. And for some people, a previous same sex relationship would be enough to make them lose attraction, even if attraction was based on a trauma response rather than sexuality. Your dilemma is whether you tell her now and risk that she would lose her attraction to you, or keep quiet about it and hope it never comes out in the future. But things we keep buried have a way of pushing up to the surface. And wouldn’t you want to start a marriage with no secrets between you? Knowing that, whoever turned up from the past, or whoever talked about your past, there was nothing that could be said that would shake your relationship?

Personally, I’d speak to NAPAC and ask them for advice on how to broach the topic. If you’ve already told her that you’d previously thought that you might have been bi, then surely she’d have had an inkling that there might have been something more than just a feeling? And yet she’s still there with you, which suggests that it’s not that important to her. Unlike honesty, which tends to be non negotiable for most people.

HeyItsPickleRick · 21/02/2025 21:35

Given some of the replies on this thread I definitely wouldn’t tell her! Personally, it wouldn’t bother me at all other than feeling sad about the SA - confusion due to trauma wouldn’t put me off someone I love. You’re not to blame for the abuse or the effects and frankly I find some of the responses to this thread pointlessly insensitive.

If you won’t get anything from telling her, then don’t. I’m glad you’ve found some peace and happiness.

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