Previously thought I was bi

[SamNF]

Hi

Some advice needed if that is ok.

i was abused as a child and it led me into a homosexual relationship years ago.

That was in my 20s I’m now 45. Having gone through the process of the crime of abuse being dealt with, it made me realise that I really wasn’t bi at all. Since then I’ve dated women again.

I’m now in a committed relationship and for the first time in my life, i’m very happy. But I haven’t told her about the bi thing and it’s eating away at me. I love her dearly and will propose at some point.

does she have the right to know? Is it even relevant? I just don’t want the hideous life I had due to my stepfather to haunt me even more.

I’m a regular guy, never cheated and try to do the right thing.

any advice is very welcome.

This reply is all about yourself, what about the other person?

You would only not tell someone if you thought they'd end the relationship if they knew. What if she finds out 15 years later and wishes she'd known? You might not like it, but if you love someone (enough to want to marry them) surely you wouldn't want them to be unhappy in the future or feel lied to.

Since he has said that he thought he was bi at one stage to her, then I don't think further details are needed anyway.

But I'm pretty shocked that other posters are so bi-phobic or homophobic that a man having those experiences would put you off him. I mean, I suspected it, otherwise I wouldn't have answered in the way i did initially, but it just boggles me.

Most people don't expect their partner to be a virgin, so not sure why it being a same-sex partner, is such a big deal. Especially in the context of the aftermath of CSA.

I really wouldn't care about who/what gender you'd been in relationships with if it was over 20 years ago

You said I’ve said I thought I was bi for a while but didn’t go any further.

If she didn't ask any further questions about this then she probably doesn't really care either

You told her you thought you might be bi in the past? If that's the case I think you have told her enough- it lets her know there may be experiences there and gives her the opportunity to ask.

I think some commenters must have missed you saying this as they speak like you have misled or lied. Not going into detail is completely different. Unless of course she did ask questions and she lied.

Of course she is allowed to have her boundaries. Maybe experimenting with homosexuality is a boundary for her. In which case I would say that's on her to ask you not on you to disclose more details when you have already disclosed there is a past there if she wants more details. People have all kinds of different boundaries, you can't know them unless she's told you! She can't expect you to just know. One of my boundaries is I won't date a man who watches porn- I've always had to ask and I'm sure I've been lied to more often than been told the truth. On the other hand homosexual experiences in their past would not bother me so long as they are monogamous now.

I'm certainly not biphobic/homophobic and that is quite insulting. You cant help what you find attractive. Anyone can end a relationship for whatever reason. My feelings are also valid, there is nothing to ne shocked about.

You can date who you want, entirely up to you, no one is trying to make you do otherwise.

But if it's simply because someone has had same-sex experiences, what else but unexamined prejudice is at the root of that?

@popduckhe

I'm certainly not biphobic/homophobic and that is quite insulting. You cant help what you find attractive. Anyone can end a relationship for whatever reason. My feelings are also valid, there is nothing to ne shocked about.

It's your absolute determination that you would find him repellant that suggests deep internal homophobia.

You don't even give the possibility that you would still love someone upon discovering their past.

It's like you have decided you wouldn't find them attractive anymore.

Why are you linking sexual desire to prejudice!?

rubbish to be honest

exactly!

I didn't decided I no longer found him attractive, I just didn't. Shit happens

If you can't be fully honest about all of your sexual history then you are not in a committed relationship. People in committed relationships don't lie.

If you refer to what you have lived through as "the bi thing" and want to hide it/lie by ommission and leave it out of your life story, then you have not yet got over the trauma of your past and should not be attempting to be in a commtted relationship.

People in their 20s often go through a period of experimenting with their sexuality and may temporarily adopt a label that turns out not to fit. There's nothing wrong with that. People who are bi are just as capable of monogamy as people who aren't bi.

There is nothing for you to be ashamed of for having had part of your life where you were identifying as bi. If you are ashamed of it, or if any woman you are with now or in future has a problem with it, that is homophobia. Deal with the homophobia, and be honest. Don't be in any relationship where homophobia is ok.

Because if you found someone attractive right up until the point you find out they once had a same-sex experience, that's based on prejudice.

Maybe for you- but I don't link my own sexual desire with prejudice. That would be odd 😂

I’ve said I thought I was bi for a while but didn’t go any further

Do you mean you told her you thought you were bi for a while... and the conversation with her didn't go any further?

Or you told her you thought you were bi for a while but you didn't act on it?

Hopefully the former because the latter would be a lie, rather than letting sleeping dogs lie.

For what it's worth, I'd want to know if my partner had a previous homosexual relationship. I would consider it very important information and it would definitely be a factor in my decision to stay with him. And if he hadn't told me, and I found out somehow later I'd be very upset.

Sexual desire is unpredictable. It can be snuffed out or can flare up unexpectedly.

All sorts of things have the potential to be a turn off- finding out his mum buys his underwear, or he doesn’t wear underwear, or he wears Yfronts.
Some hair in the wrong place. His table manners.

And who he has slept with in the past.

Don’t let someone commit when she doesn’t have all the information she needs.

I always start with the assumption that experimenting with sex is a normal part of maturing and same sex experiences is part of that. Not to say all people do but is v common therefore in my world view NBD and is irrelevant. Agree if you mentioned thinking you were bi at some point opens the door if she cares / wants to know more but unless you or your partner think a full list of every part of your previous sexual history is important to a trusted relationshp no need to go there. Interesting that it is bothering you though; maybe talk that through with a counsellor? (Even just one session might help.) DH and I have been together over 20 years and I know about significant exes (at least some of them!) but never felt the need for massive detail and have no clue about the detail of his sexual history that preceded me.

unless you or your partner think a full list of every part of your previous sexual history is important

Definitely not a full list no, but it'd be important to me to have a summary of the important parts that shaped who you are. I'd feel I didn't know you without that information.

I found a partner attractive right up to the point I realised our values didn't align. Is that also prejudice? I've also had a same sex experience, but would be upfront about it. Things can change in a relationship for whatever reason. You seem adamant to blame the person who no longer finds someone attractive following the revelation that this is prejudice. I find this very narrow minded.

I really feel for you.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything - it's my past and it's over.

But you say it's eating away at you, and if you can't find peace with it then you're going to have to have the conversation, because it's going to lead you to be unhappy if you don't.

This is the only issue that matters here and only you know the answer.

So let me get this straight, men are allowed to turned off by a body count, which is just a number.

But women aren't allowed to find a man's sexuality unattractive without being labelled homophobic.

Come off it. Finding a man that has had sexual relations with other men a put off is perfectly reasonable. You can still support/like gay people. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the individual. The two don't correlate.

Also op you asked a question, you are getting the answers. Just because you don't like the ones you are recieving doesn't mean you get to be dismissive of it. You owe your partner the truth and full picture, so she can make an informed decision for her future and self. It may be that it doesn't concern her, which in that case great you get to crack on knowing your relationship is healthy, honest and communicative. Deliberately not telling her or giving half truths suggests you are afraid deep down it may change things for her. You don't get to decide that unfortunately, but you should definitely acknowledge if you love her it's not the right way to go about things.

You have nothing to be ashamed about remember that. None of this is your fault.

What I will say is this. You don't have to bare your soul for everyone, not even your life partner. Especially if it will open old wounds.

You are as you are now and this is your life too.

I hope you are happier now.

Oh do give over. That’s utter bollocks. I know someone who was utterly obsessed with her boyfriend until she discovered his completely harmless but a little bit weird kink. It killed her attraction for him stone dead. A friend lost attraction to the man she was dating when she saw him eat an apple for the first time. There are people on here all the time saying they could never be attracted to a Tory voter or a Trump fan, or that they’ve lost attraction to their partners because of weight changes or hair cuts, or they’ve discovered their partner is sexually inexperienced or too experienced, or still lives with their parents, or is tight fisted or a fussy eater. I’ve instantly lost all attraction to a man I was considering dating when he told me about a previous relationship he’d had with a particular woman. None of that is prejudice or bigotry.

And this whole ‘you can be attracted to whomever you like, but…’ bollocks is gaslighting. There is no but. Attraction doesn’t come with conditions attached. You can instantly lose attraction for any person, at any time, for any reason. You have no entitlement to police that or make judgments. And yes, it might be hurtful for the person who has been left, but that’s just life. They, and you, have no right to assume bigotry.