Anyone forgiven a cheating Husband?

[StrawberryPeachBubble]

As the title goes....has anyone forgiven a Husband that's cheated on you?

Were you able to continue the relationship and if so how? How do you move on? Can the trust ever be rebuilt?

Thanks

No. Most people who try limp on for a few years before they realise it’s fucked.

Lots of cheaters don’t want to be forgiven. Are you certain yours does?

No, the thought of him putting his dick in his fancy bit on the side, whilst I was putting his skid marked undies in a hot wash was enough to send him packing.

She can do that now, I mean a cheating partner is such a catch…said no sane person ever.

@StrawberryPeachBubble, what are the details of his infidelity? What has he done to show remorse, examine his flaws, and become a safe partner?

I've tried forgiving cheaters in the past but it never works because I can't deal with the constant anxiety every time their phone beeps, every time they go for a drink, every time they go to the shop etc. It turns me into someone I don't like.

I read a post on FB a while back that kind of summed it up for me.
"I don't want to control a man, I want a man who can control himself"

I tried and it was a shit relationship from the day I found out to the day I ended it. It was constantly on my mind and once I knew the kind of man he was, I lost all respect for him.

Not people who value their mental wellbeing.

Tried to do it. Couldn't. Felt angry, resentful and could never relax again. Always worried about what he was up to. Very sad relationship ended but I was never going to have peace of mind again with him.

i don't think it's an easy path to take and you have to be sure that the cheating partner is willing to do anything to help you feel safe and rebuild trust and that takes true remorse not just regret and shame.

Trust can be rebuilt by consistent actions. It's like a bucket that gets filled one drop at a time with every consistent safe, loving action they show you:

I trust my husband but I've learnt to trust myself more and know that if he did this again I would leave and be ok.

As for forgiveness, I didn't forgive, years later I still don't feel that I forgive him (I couldn't forgive something like that), but I have accepted that it happened and that we chose to move past it. We're both happy with that.

MN isn't great for reconciliation advice. I can't recommend surviving infidelity enough. Reconciliation is a path fraught with pitfalls and is definitely one to take carefully and you have to be absolutely sure that your cheating partner is capable of doing the work.

I'm so so sorry you find yourself in this position, good luck moving forward.

I decided to forgive. It was really, really hard work for several years, a constant emotional battle that often felt very lonely. After a few years I got to a place of acceptance and was able to see a future. All was good.

Until a few days before the Christmas just gone, I learned that he’d done it again.

Don’t put yourself through it is my advice. Even if you get to a stage where you feel you can trust him again, the chances are that you can’t.

You first OP

Not a husband, just a boyfriend of 9 months when I found out. I could not get over it, could not forgive. Wasted another 3 years of my life that I should have been enjoying.

Never again.

I know someone that did of a previous generation but I think it was more frowned upon or hard to leave then. I think it impacted their mental health and confidence significantly.
I had a long term relationship where the other person cheated half way through. We did have good times after but eventually I decided if he’d loved me enough he wouldn’t have done it.
When my exH had an affair I didn’t leave. We had counselling & tried to make it work. He left in the end for the OW so I just prolonged the tough times.
I think/thought with children involved then it’s worth a try but how often it is successful I don’t know. I suspect there are many in this situation but you don’t find out as it isn’t talked about in real life.
Good luck OP, either way you have tough times ahead. Stay strong 💐

Why would you though?

Yes. It's hard work but possible.
As someone above recommended, the survivinginfidelity.com site is really good.
I rate Ester Perels books, if you decide to work through it.
Not everyone will approve of your decision, my OHs affair was brief and he was, and still is mortified that it happened.

I've reached a point where I know it happened, but don't rake over it.

Prioritise yourself first, I found the shock awful. No decisions need to be made immediately, so take your time.

Every body makes mistakes. Try forgiveness

Forgiveness is the easy bit.

It's the forgetting that's hard.

You have absolutely no idea of OP's circumstances, what her H did, how he has behaved since the cheating came to light etc etc.
How can you possibly advise forgiveness as a blanket cure all for a situation you know nothing about?

A mistake is putting sugar on your dinner instead of salt.
Choosing to lie to your spouse, sneaking around, rob family money, repeatedly have sex with a mistress and exposed your wife to STDs is a long series of depraved, active choices.

You don't know if the adulterer wants to be forgiven, what he has chosen to do to his wife, what trauma he deliberately inflicted, so why suggest OP offers herself up to be cheated on again by the man?

Two separate issues. Do you forgive and do you stay.
You can forgive and end things, the forgiving is to save yourself the continued pain. Staying is the judgement call. Just don’t stay and not forgive, that will be hell.

We don't know the circumstances, you sound very bitter.

It could have been a one night stand, so perhaps not repeatedly.
Perhaps not robbing family money
Perhaps condoms were used

Very quick to jump!!

Why forgive and stay.

Once a cheat, always a cheat. They will do it again.

The reason why they will do it again is because they have been ‘allowed’ to get away with it. If you forgive and stay with them, no matter how much you tell yourself ‘they haven’t gotten away with it’ they actually have.

You can certainly carry on to some extent and still have an ok life, but in my opinion you don't forgive at a deep level or forget - it's kind of always in the mix and certainly makes you more wary/alert- I've stayed married and it wasn't a physical affair, but being honest it kind of snuffed out the 100% 'in' with someone and took it back to 75% .

Now, I divorced my exh for cheating on me. I couldn't have sex with him after so might as well be divorced from him.

A friend's uncle forgave his cheating wife back in the 70s. She had a very public affair while he was working away. Things came full circle when their daughter's husband cheated about 10 years ago. Daughter forgave husband and they are still together. Original cheating wife was weirdly absolutely incensed when her son-in-law cheated.