Page 3 | Anyone forgiven a cheating Husband?

StrawberryPeachBubble · 2025-02-20T01:29:00+00:00

As the title goes....has anyone forgiven a Husband that's cheated on you? Were you able to continue the relationship and if so how? How do you move on? Can the trust ever be rebuilt? Thanks

Dror · 21/02/2025 12:43

Horationor · 20/02/2025 12:38

We don't know the circumstances, you sound very bitter.

It could have been a one night stand, so perhaps not repeatedly.
Perhaps not robbing family money
Perhaps condoms were used

Very quick to jump!!

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Not bitter in the slightest. I've been married for two decades.

There is no justification for inflicting trauma on a spouse by cheating.
Condoms do not prevent all STDs.

OlivePeer · 21/02/2025 12:44

I saw an interesting way of putting it online somewhere which I thought was very apt: staying with a cheater means gaslighting yourself into trusting someone who's proven themselves to be untrustworthy.

RedJamDoughnut · 21/02/2025 13:02

Crikeyalmighty · 21/02/2025 12:38

@RedJamDoughnut I get that and I agree that you don't feel the same - maybe a few people do but I certainly didn't..I was completely poleaxed that he was such a twat and in his case purely an emotional thing with a very young assistant - maybe if my personal situation would have been different I would have ended it - but I wasn't prepared to cut off my nose to spite my face and put me in a very difficult position. We worked together and don't own a house and I was mid 50s at time I found out.

My husbands was emotional & mastubating via facetime!
That.

Stressymadre · 21/02/2025 13:07

I did... we had loads of counselling and went on to have another child together. I couldn't bring myself to end our marriage as I promised myself I'd never put my kids through divorce (my parents ' divorced was awful). I never forgot the affair though, it destroyed my confidence but the kids were genuinely happy... then he did it again (4 years after the first time). So he's now my exH. I don't regret trying. I have two beautiful children and I know I tried my hardest for my children and am proud of that. But I do wish I didn't waste so long on such a complete arsehole!! I met someone else and realised what I'd been missing... made me realise how terribly my exH treated me

Crikeyalmighty · 21/02/2025 13:16

@RedJamDoughnut yikes that's tough . Even if you stay together I find it impossible to feel 100% as you see them in a totally different light. I realised I have totally gone off men these days, so if I leave it would be to be 'on my own' - in my case it was so out of character that I honestly think I had PTSD and we had a great close relationship too .happened when his mum was dying and we had business issues.

GiuliaTofana · 21/02/2025 13:25

My husbands best friend had an affair with a colleague and his wife forgave him. But she's still anxious he may do it again.
It's horrible when we go out for drinks or a meal because you can see she's anxious when he talks to waitresses or even if work gets mentioned.
I think they'll stay together but her anxiety is through the roof.

LoveSandbanks · 21/02/2025 13:42

Yes I did forgive. My husband fucked up
once, almost 20 years ago. It wasn’t easy but we moved on. I have zero suspicions that he’s repeated the behaviour. I took the path that was right for me but I would always encourage others to take the path that was right for them. Just because I don’t regret staying doesn’t mean others should do the same. I don’t think anyone should feel an obligation to remain if it’s a deal breaker for them.

Odellio · 21/02/2025 13:47

Not my experience but my sister forgave her OH when he had multiple affairs, then went onto marry him and have 2 DC. He then had another string of affairs and she forgave him again. They are still married many years later. I have no idea if he’s had more affairs since the 2nd time it all came out over a decade ago. If he has she hasn’t involved us again. So guess that’s proof that you can forgive and stay, twice at least.

mmmarmalade · 21/02/2025 13:47

My mother didn't... but they stayed together. She made his life a misery and frankly - he deserved everything he got and more. It wasn't a great environment to grow up in. She died young and soon after, he unexpectedly sold the family home and... moved away to marry his brothers ex-wife (also a multiple cheat) and dropped all contact with all of us/his kids. I could not be happier about that - I have nothing but contempt for the guy - don't even know where he lives or if he's alive. Without a doubt - it would have been better if they had split up and had had nothing to do with each other - my father would no doubt have been a PITA though. One of my siblings, the youngest, has been quite badly affected by all of this.

RainbowColouredRainbows · 21/02/2025 13:57

My exH had a ONS, I stayed with him as he seemed genuinely remorseful and we'd been together since 6th form etc and then 12 years later found out he'd had about 7 ONS in that time. I'd not suspected before this and it wasn't even the reason I left him, but I regret staying all that time and wasting all that time with him.

FairyMaclary · 21/02/2025 14:15

op I’m sorry you are in this situation.

Some mentioned it may have been a one night stand suggesting that isn’t a series of decisions but every act of cheating features hundreds of tiny decisions.

You start by chatting to someone, then push that to flirting at that point you KNOW you are overstepping. Then each subsequent choice is a choice to be unfaithful. No one goes from sitting at a bar chatting to having sex (presumably in another place) without many, many small steps in between.

A one night stand is easy to avoid if you stop the minute you start flirting. Any affair isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice.

I see your husband was longer term. It’s still a series of choices.
I say this regularly on here but I am faithful for me. I chose to say my vows in front of my family and friends and my words mean everything to me. If my word is meaningless then who am I. My husband (annoying at times) is not powerful enough to make me cheat or remain faithful. He is the collateral damage to my choices. But I choose to be faithful for ME not him. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and I want to like who I see. My values matter to me.

Op if your partner has cheated it’s never due to you. Nothing you do (or don’t do) can make someone cheat or stay faithful.

How are you feeling op? Do you have real life support?

But I would tell her husband. Many on here disagree. But two parties fighting for their marriage and two betrayed spouses on the look out makes it harder for them to remain in contact. I would not tell my husband I was telling him, I’d contact him and meet him and show evidence. If you husband moans about feeling unsafe afterwards, more fool him for putting himself in a position where that is a possibility.

Look at the surviving infidelity website.

How can he assure you it will never happen again? What does that mean? What has changed? Why is he now capable of keeping his word but last month he was incapable?

coldscottishmum · 21/02/2025 14:17

Not possible to forgive IMO. I’m 6 years in almost and still don’t forgive him, he doesn’t let me speak about it and I don’t know the full details of his affair. He just wants to carry on like it never happened.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/02/2025 14:34

@coldscottishmum yes not mentioned at ours either.

SecondClassmyass · 21/02/2025 17:21

Yes- we had just bought a house and we were renovating it into the ‘dream home’ when I caught him cheating. He was crying and begging for forgiveness, swearing on his mum’s life🙄😵‍💫🤣 that he would never ever do it again. Not even a year passed and he got caught again🥲

Original poster

StrawberryPeachBubble · 22/02/2025 12:07

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 20/02/2025 15:05

Oh op, my heart is with you.
My oh had an affair 9 months ago. I have a thread here about it. It was / is hands down the worst thing I've ever been through.
I stayed, and we are doing well. But honestly I don't know if I would have taken this path if I'd have really understood what it would take.
The circumstances of the affair, of each of you and your relationship are all so important in you deciding how to move forward.
I'm so glad I was in therapy already and had someone I trusted to walk me through it all.
In the beginning my instinct was just to scrabble and claw my way back to some normality. But in the end I had to accept there was no going back - you'll need to come to that conclusion too, whatever you decide to do withe future.
I'm in the position now that I'm still grieving the loss or my marriage whilst building a new relationship with the same man. The new one is better, but the hurt still needs to heal.
I had to examine my part in why we weren't as happy as I thought, whilst also truly understanding that the affair was in no way my own fault and all about him and his choices. It's really important you understand that too - you can't take blame for something you had no control over.
My commitment to our marriage isn't what it was - we both know now that if things aren't right I will walk away and I feel OK about that. I work hard to communicate my needs and frustrations clearly along with my boundaries and I stick to them.
My DH works really hard now to be open and honest and he puts effort into us like never before.
I'm glad I stayed but it's been hard.
No one can tell you what to do, but just remember that you need to love yourself first.
If you're considering staying I recommend Dr Kathy nickersons book - she posts ok social media too

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I'm glad you're doing well now but sorry you had to go through it :(

OP posts:

Original poster

StrawberryPeachBubble · 22/02/2025 12:11

FairyMaclary · 21/02/2025 14:15

op I’m sorry you are in this situation.

Some mentioned it may have been a one night stand suggesting that isn’t a series of decisions but every act of cheating features hundreds of tiny decisions.

You start by chatting to someone, then push that to flirting at that point you KNOW you are overstepping. Then each subsequent choice is a choice to be unfaithful. No one goes from sitting at a bar chatting to having sex (presumably in another place) without many, many small steps in between.

A one night stand is easy to avoid if you stop the minute you start flirting. Any affair isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice.

I see your husband was longer term. It’s still a series of choices.
I say this regularly on here but I am faithful for me. I chose to say my vows in front of my family and friends and my words mean everything to me. If my word is meaningless then who am I. My husband (annoying at times) is not powerful enough to make me cheat or remain faithful. He is the collateral damage to my choices. But I choose to be faithful for ME not him. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and I want to like who I see. My values matter to me.

Op if your partner has cheated it’s never due to you. Nothing you do (or don’t do) can make someone cheat or stay faithful.

How are you feeling op? Do you have real life support?

But I would tell her husband. Many on here disagree. But two parties fighting for their marriage and two betrayed spouses on the look out makes it harder for them to remain in contact. I would not tell my husband I was telling him, I’d contact him and meet him and show evidence. If you husband moans about feeling unsafe afterwards, more fool him for putting himself in a position where that is a possibility.

Look at the surviving infidelity website.

How can he assure you it will never happen again? What does that mean? What has changed? Why is he now capable of keeping his word but last month he was incapable?

Edited

I told her Husband and he doesn't believe me even though I have told him my Husband admitted to everything and gave details. She continues to lie to him and deny everything and at this moment he is choosing to believe her.

OP posts:

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 22/02/2025 12:13

StrawberryPeachBubble · 22/02/2025 12:11

I told her Husband and he doesn't believe me even though I have told him my Husband admitted to everything and gave details. She continues to lie to him and deny everything and at this moment he is choosing to believe her.

Show quote history

That'll be a knee jerk reaction on his side. He'll be questioning everything right now and the pieces will fall into place for him x

Applesandpears0 · 22/02/2025 12:18

If its just sex, a one-off, a drunken mistake, then absolutely yes. Not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship.

If its an affair, then that's harder, depending on the circumstances. If there's no reason for him or her to stray then I'm not sure i could forgive, if there were reasons - i.e. a sexless marriage or a severe lack of intimacy then possibly yes.

However, unless the root of the issues are fixed, and the reasons why the infidelity happened then the relationship will never have long term legs.