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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave DH but feel stuck

35 replies

imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 13:59

Name change to keep me hidden
DH and I have been together nearly 19 years married 8, 4 children and another on the way.
When i was pregnant on our third, DH worked a lot, late hours, would play football in the evenings and go out with friends at the weekends ect... hardly ever home. I developed pre natal depression which led to me gambling to try and find some kind of joy after the kids went to bed and i was sat alone. I gambled a lot and always had just enough left in my account so he wouldnt notice.
Anyway, it all came out when baby was around 3 months old. He kicked me out of our home we owned, i moved in with parents for a few weeks, we talked, i did counseling, went to GA and havn't gambled since (that was over 7 years ago)
He has never moved on from this, hold its against me in arguments.
I tend to keep small things from him so not to start an argument. Never anything serious. Over a month ago I kept a small thing from him, nothing major just didnt want an arguement but he found out and flipped his lid, called me so many names, said we were not to speak unless it was about the kids ect...
About two weeks later he asked me never to do it again, gave a hug and asked if we could go to bed together. I agreed, we had sex but the next day nothing had changed, still not speaking.
3 more weeks go past, he texts says we need to get some form of realtionship back and again can we go to bed together. Again i said yes but still he is not speaking to me. He ignores me when he gets home from work. we dont stay in the same room, I go to bed when the kids do.
I cant take the tension anymore, he speaks to me just to complain about somehting and then i just go and cry, I feel so alone and just used for sex at this point.

OP posts:
RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 14:35

Was the counselling you did solely related to the gambling?
It sounds like you could benefit from further sessions to workout what you want for your life moving forward.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 14:51

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 14:35

Was the counselling you did solely related to the gambling?
It sounds like you could benefit from further sessions to workout what you want for your life moving forward.

no, I did it for life in general, I also had post natal counselling in the maternity hospital and was on antidepressants for a number of years.

I no longer take the antidepressants as I know my sadness is solely down to him

OP posts:
Whalewatching · 19/02/2025 15:10

I think you know what you need to do, @imsolosthere I understand that you feel you’ve made mistakes but to be honest you sound ground down and he sounds like a selfish unsupportive bastard. Would your parents support you if you left?

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 15:15

Whalewatching · 19/02/2025 15:10

I think you know what you need to do, @imsolosthere I understand that you feel you’ve made mistakes but to be honest you sound ground down and he sounds like a selfish unsupportive bastard. Would your parents support you if you left?

I feel so guilty for what I have done in the past but I have moved myself on from that and have not done it again and have no desire to but the guilt makes me weak and just give in and feel like he has the right to treat me this way when I know he doesn’t but I feel I made him this way because of what I did

yes they would support me but they live in a 3 bed council house with no room for me plus 5 kids. And they live in a different area so would mean uprooting the kids from their friends and life

OP posts:
Whalewatching · 19/02/2025 15:26

I think @imsolosthere, for starters, yes perhaps you made a mistake but you’re a human being, of course you’ve made mistakes. You have worked on it and put it right. Is your husband beating himself up daily for contributing to your post natal depression? No. Didn’t think so.
So, from today, that’s enough. Enough of being punished. Enough of him treating you like shit. Today it stops. If he doesn’t like showing you some respect, show him the door. It sounds like you’re doing all the childcare anyway so you won’t miss him. Start setting the tone of how you want to be treated. You are handing him all the control here, you need to show him you’re 50% of the marriage.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 15:36

Whalewatching · 19/02/2025 15:26

I think @imsolosthere, for starters, yes perhaps you made a mistake but you’re a human being, of course you’ve made mistakes. You have worked on it and put it right. Is your husband beating himself up daily for contributing to your post natal depression? No. Didn’t think so.
So, from today, that’s enough. Enough of being punished. Enough of him treating you like shit. Today it stops. If he doesn’t like showing you some respect, show him the door. It sounds like you’re doing all the childcare anyway so you won’t miss him. Start setting the tone of how you want to be treated. You are handing him all the control here, you need to show him you’re 50% of the marriage.

Thank you,

im a sahm but do a cash in hand job from home not a lot of money but I do contribute what I can.

he is a good dad and is very involved in their after school activities but does give out about how I feed the kids, their clothes, things in the house. Everything has to be his way

OP posts:
ginasevern · 19/02/2025 15:46

Why on earth do you keep having children?

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 15:51

ginasevern · 19/02/2025 15:46

Why on earth do you keep having children?

When we had our first and second we were very happy, and on our fourth we were in a really good place within the last year it has gone completely down hill. Our 5th was not planned.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2025 15:56

He is not a good dad if he is treating you as their mother like this. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Your children, particularly the elder ones, are not silly and know all too well that things are not right between mum and dad. They may well silently wonder why you and he are still together at all.

You and he now need to be apart permanently. Would seek legal advice from a local firm of Solicitors re separation and divorce.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 16:03

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2025 15:56

He is not a good dad if he is treating you as their mother like this. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Your children, particularly the elder ones, are not silly and know all too well that things are not right between mum and dad. They may well silently wonder why you and he are still together at all.

You and he now need to be apart permanently. Would seek legal advice from a local firm of Solicitors re separation and divorce.

This I have been thinking about a lot. How the children must see it, my older two have seen me cry but just think it’s pregnancy hormones.

he has said to me in the past that he will have have his kids coming from a broken home, that I come from one and look at how my life was.

my mam left my abusive dad when I was very young, my step dad raised me. they are what I view a happy relationship but they did go through a rough patch but are my goals.

I don’t want my children to think this is how a relationship should be.

I just feel stuck as in, he won’t leave the house. It’s big enough for us to both have our own bedrooms and living rooms and I did suggest over a month ago that we seperate and just live as co parents splitting the house. It’s basically what we are doing now anyway expect sharing a bed

OP posts:
RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 16:59

imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 16:03

This I have been thinking about a lot. How the children must see it, my older two have seen me cry but just think it’s pregnancy hormones.

he has said to me in the past that he will have have his kids coming from a broken home, that I come from one and look at how my life was.

my mam left my abusive dad when I was very young, my step dad raised me. they are what I view a happy relationship but they did go through a rough patch but are my goals.

I don’t want my children to think this is how a relationship should be.

I just feel stuck as in, he won’t leave the house. It’s big enough for us to both have our own bedrooms and living rooms and I did suggest over a month ago that we seperate and just live as co parents splitting the house. It’s basically what we are doing now anyway expect sharing a bed

Show quote history

Take that first step yourself then. You dont need his permission. Move out into the other bedroom and see how you feel. If that goes well you might then feel ready to start looking at options that get you further away from him and closer to being in your own place with your children.
Take baby steps.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 17:01

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 16:59

Take that first step yourself then. You dont need his permission. Move out into the other bedroom and see how you feel. If that goes well you might then feel ready to start looking at options that get you further away from him and closer to being in your own place with your children.
Take baby steps.

Show quote history

Do I need to leave my home? My name is on the mortgage top

OP posts:
RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 17:03

imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 17:01

Do I need to leave my home? My name is on the mortgage top

Show quote history

Not if you don't want to. It's just as you spend more time away from him and thinking about what you want, you might find a fresh start will do you a lot of good.
But that is completely up to you.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 17:09

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 17:03

Not if you don't want to. It's just as you spend more time away from him and thinking about what you want, you might find a fresh start will do you a lot of good.
But that is completely up to you.

Show quote history

I couldn’t afford a place by myself and I wouldn’t want to make the kids leave this area as it’s really a great area and all their friends and clubs are here

OP posts:
RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 17:25

That's something you'll have to think about as it will be up to him what he agrees to if you decide to stay living together. Also there will be nothing keeping him from changing his mind and leaving at any point.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 17:35

RebelStarChild · 19/02/2025 17:25

That's something you'll have to think about as it will be up to him what he agrees to if you decide to stay living together. Also there will be nothing keeping him from changing his mind and leaving at any point.

I really don’t mind if he leaves, I’d prefer it tbh.

is it really sad that I read threads on here saying my husband had an affair or my husband left me and I think, I wish that would happen to me, would make everything easier

OP posts:
W0tnow · 19/02/2025 17:45

He wants you to wear a hair shirt for the rest of your life. You can’t punish yourself forever!

bluegreen89 · 19/02/2025 18:06

Gosh, another child on the way! Make sure you are taking birth control (even if in secret) after this birth - sounds like he wants you trapped and the more children you have, the more trapped you will be. Quite terrifying.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 19/02/2025 18:09

bluegreen89 · 19/02/2025 18:06

Gosh, another child on the way! Make sure you are taking birth control (even if in secret) after this birth - sounds like he wants you trapped and the more children you have, the more trapped you will be. Quite terrifying.

For medical reason I have to have a c section and they will be tying my tubes

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 19/02/2025 19:51

If he leaves then you will probably need to consider selling the house to release his share. But if you’re not working, you won’t get a mortgage, Maybe live separate lives in the same home for now, until after baby is born at least. I’m not sure of the ages of your DC and feasibility of you working with a view to taking over the mortgage. You will need to consider the practical things and having 5 children and no job does make it easier to start afresh. Next time he suggests making up, i’d be telling him you’re not having sex with him so he can ignore you again. I’d be moving into another bedroom and away from. Best of luck

Original poster
imsolosthere · 20/02/2025 09:00

Zanatdy · 19/02/2025 19:51

If he leaves then you will probably need to consider selling the house to release his share. But if you’re not working, you won’t get a mortgage, Maybe live separate lives in the same home for now, until after baby is born at least. I’m not sure of the ages of your DC and feasibility of you working with a view to taking over the mortgage. You will need to consider the practical things and having 5 children and no job does make it easier to start afresh. Next time he suggests making up, i’d be telling him you’re not having sex with him so he can ignore you again. I’d be moving into another bedroom and away from. Best of luck

The room that can be used as a bedroom is a dumping ground at the minute, I am going to start clearing it out today...

How do I explain to the kids that mummy is sleeping in a different bedroom?

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 20/02/2025 10:23

He sounds vile, op.

You made a mistake years ago, but you both agreed to move on from that, you had counselling and you've ensured it doesn't happen again.

He doesn't get to keep holding a 7 year old mistake - for which you apologised, took steps and agreed to move on from - against you.

His treatment of you is vile, including his lies when he wants to have sex. I hope you've realised now that when he says something nice and wants sex, that he's just doing it for that reason and will go back to being vile again afterwards (but with you feeling even worse than before).

Have you confided in your parents? Please get all the support you can. They may be able to help you - if only emotionally, which is huge, but maybe practically too.

KookyPeachViewer · 20/02/2025 10:31

So you definitely want to separate? I didn't read it as he is abusive. You both sound like you're struggling and it might be useful to seek couples therapy even if you don't stay together it might help you communicate and coparent better.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 20/02/2025 10:42

perfectcolourfound · 20/02/2025 10:23

He sounds vile, op.

You made a mistake years ago, but you both agreed to move on from that, you had counselling and you've ensured it doesn't happen again.

He doesn't get to keep holding a 7 year old mistake - for which you apologised, took steps and agreed to move on from - against you.

His treatment of you is vile, including his lies when he wants to have sex. I hope you've realised now that when he says something nice and wants sex, that he's just doing it for that reason and will go back to being vile again afterwards (but with you feeling even worse than before).

Have you confided in your parents? Please get all the support you can. They may be able to help you - if only emotionally, which is huge, but maybe practically too.

Yes, I do realise that now and it wont be happening again.

No I havn't confided in my parents yet as they are away and we actually have a holiday booked with them in just over a months time!! I dont know what to do because the kids are so excited

OP posts:
Original poster
imsolosthere · 20/02/2025 10:44

KookyPeachViewer · 20/02/2025 10:31

So you definitely want to separate? I didn't read it as he is abusive. You both sound like you're struggling and it might be useful to seek couples therapy even if you don't stay together it might help you communicate and coparent better.

I have begged him to do couples counselling and he refuses. Said it wont fix anything. I told him its couple counselling or we separate but he still wont.

7 years ago he did counselling by himself for a few weeks and then that was the end of it says he just needs to move on himself and get on with things (our relationship)

OP posts: