Absent grandparents - anyone else?

[ReesesCupcake]

Anyone else have parents/in-laws that show very little/no interest in their kids?

In our case, it’s the inlaws. DH is really hurt by their lack of interest in our kids. He puts all the effort in, and it’s sad to watch.

He will invite them on days out, but it’s always a “we will see” then a we are busy, so no.

He asks if they want the kids for a sleepover (they bought bunk beds for this) but again, MIL will have a headache or they have decided to go away that weekend etc

He sends them photos and updates of the kids, and gets no response or just a thumbs up reaction.

He takes them over and they will sit on the sofa, passively watching them play on the floor. No affection or warmth at all.

For Christmas they got them all the same present, went away so didn’t see them on the day, and gave it in the new year unwrapped - a sketch pad and pencils each. Two of them don’t even like drawing, and it is upsetting they put no effort into knowing the kids.

The weird thing is, they plaster their house and social media with photos of our kids, and when a family event is on they will play the doting grandparents by hugging them and interacting with them 🙄
So, they want the image of being hands on.

I have personally given up trying, but I can see the hurt in DH seeing his parents reject our kids. They were very unloving parents too, so I think it’s causing him to feel that pain again.

DH has given himself a break from trying to facilitate the relationship for a bit, and now they accused us of keeping the kids from them! This has annoyed me immensely.

It would appear their idea of grandparenting is being kept updated with photos and newsletters and watching them occasionally play on their floor. Now DH has pulled this back, they are angry.

Those who have similar issues, how do you manage it?

Completely absent grandparents here, it is painful. I'm so very jealous of my friends with supportive loving parents, who help and are kind to their kids.

My in laws are a bit better, but we can go months without seeing them. My friend's Mum sees her grandkids every week, plays with them, they go on holiday together, she makes a huge effort, and it's just sad I don't feel like I have a village at all. My FIL is an impatient man which doesn't help, he often can't bring himself to park his irritation and put the kids first.

TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon

Sorry you are having to deal with this too. I think you notice the other hands on grandparents more when you go through this. My neighbours always have their parents around taking the kids out etc.

I see so many grandparents on the school run too, and think how nice it must be for the kids to have that attention.

My parents only show an interest in mine when we visit them.

My mother doesn’t bother with my nephews at all.

Sympathies, it sounds awful. Has DH or you tried actually talking to his parents about this? There seems to be a lot of unspoken expectations that don't get met, and therefore hurt feelings. He or you and he together could give it one last go, so everyone knows where they are about this, by sitting down and having a frank conversation. You tell them what you would like, and hopefully they will say what they don't want or find difficult. It may be painful for you and DH at the time, but you would know what's what. My DM was very hands off with her grandchildren. Not that she didn't care about them, but was quite inhibited. I think she may have feared they could not love her back, or something!

Same here. I know my mother loves them, as they FaceTime her occasionally, however if we didn’t call her she wouldn’t bother with us. Refuses to come to see us and always cancels plans.

it hurts especially as I lost my dad so I don’t have him.

dh parents are lovely and attentive however they live on the other side of the country so we see them once a year. We have 0 support network and it’s really hard

Yes same here. My parents show no interest. DH only has his mum and she visits once a month.
I've given up trying.

Similar situation.
We are NC with PILs for very good reason.
My parents are not together. Mum is sort of interested but very inconsistent and unreliable, and definite favouritism (which she would deny). My dad and stepmum are not interested at all. Barely know the kids and they are strict and judgy with them when we do see them. They're aware of how much we struggle (oldest had autism and behaviour can be challenging) but still no inclination to help. It's not even about the help though, i just wish they'd be more interested in seeing the kids with us and having more of a relationship with them.
It really hurts.

Same here. My dad was useless and now he’s elderly and quite unwell
I’m not bothered.l, much in the same was he wasn’t bothered about me or my kids. You reap what you sow and all…

CuteEasterBunny That’s rubbish. I do wonder if these grandparents ever think about how they are towards their grandkids?

GreenCandleWax He has tried before, but they are extremely dismissive of his/other people’s feelings in general. So it would get shot down with “I can’t cope with this conversation” “you are talking rubbish” “you are being too sensitive” etc. So then DH would retreat feeling guilty for mentioning it. They are intelligent, but lack any emotional intelligence or empathy.

They also told us they are “elders” and deserve respect, ie, not being challenged on how they are.

I might suggest he gives in one last attempt at getting his feelings out, regardless of outcome.

Your husband needs to stop begging these people to be interested in your kids, they've been very clear.

They were unloving parents to him, so naturally they will be the same with his kids. Return that energy. Your husband can access therapy and learn to go low/no contact with his parents.

Can’t keep up with replies.

Im so sorry others have similar issues. It can feel such a lonely place.

Like you, Jesusisking23 (and I’m sure many others on here), we have no other support network. It can feel a lonely and sad place.

Absolutely spot on, Futb - you reap what you sow indeed.

AnotherEmma We have the same, with regards to the judgey behaviour when they do see the kids too. Such a nerve, given they don’t really know the kids, isn’t it?

Onrepeat3milliontimes. I fully understand why you would give up. After a while it just seems pointless trying.

Our kids deserve better.

Dror That really resonates with me. I need to find a way to gently suggest this to DH at some point, as it’s hurting him so very deeply. He is feeling the rejection all over again, and by continuing this path, he is suffering more.

I just feel conflicted - I think he needs to realise this for himself and not have me tell him.

That's so sad. Perhaps put it in a letter? You wouldn't get their immediate reaction, to putting his vulnerable feelings out there, but they would be able to think it over and hopefully give a more honest or constructive answer. If it has no effect, you and DH will know that you have done all you can, and can change your own expectations to break the stalemate. Counselling to help DH come to terms with his DP? Hope this gets better for you both.

I would write a letter but not send it. People like his parents would see such a letter, no matter how carefully worded, as an attack and they would react accordingly. They have not changed fundamentally since his own childhood.

Sounds like narcissism to me. I'd give up and encourage DH to do the same. Use the BIFF method for comms with them. brief informative friendly and factual updates only. Don't initiative. I did this with my parents and now we don't speak. They overwhelm with presents and yet have no care or interest day to day - it's all for show.

Thanks GreenCandleWax. I am thinking the counselling would be good.

He has only just opened up about his emotionally neglected childhood in recent months. Really sad events he has told me about it, that he had suppressed forever.

Having kids has definitely opened old wounds that need to be talked through.

A letter is a good idea. Maybe it would give him peace to say his feelings uninterrupted, regardless of outcome. Let them process it on their own time too.

My mum was disinterested in my children constantly comparing them negatively to my niece. She was not interested in mines achievements.
Result was I fostered the relationship w mil and my children. Mil was capable of loving all her grandchildren without favouritism. Result is 10 and 6 years after their passing Mil is spoken of often and longingly my mother almost never. I'm OK with that now but it hurt.

IME it only hurts more to try to explain to them how you feel... these issues often go back to childhood and are very repressed with a lot of grief and resentment. Write a letter to yourself (or in your husbands case to himself) but I would not send it. Look up narcissism and how to handle this and most work is inner work to be done around setting boundaries and finding your own self worth.

Could have wrote this myself about PIL.

No interest whatsoever in our daughter really, don’t ask about her, don’t really ask to see her, when we do take her round they just watch us play with her, yet their Facebook pages are full of photos of her that they’ve screenshotted from us & posted so they look like grandparents of the year🥲 it is really sad for my husband as I know he is disappointed and wishes they were better, we invite them round, we invite them out, always a no.

On the other hand my parents & family are absolutely amazing, which is lovely and I’m so grateful for them but it does make the way his parents are seem far worse in comparison.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thats a good point (and a worry of mine), that they will just attack and leave him feeling worse/even more unloved. Very cold people we are dealing with here.

Sue3467 I had wondered about narcissism. Many traits here that match that description. Sounds like yours are trying to compensate with presents, rather than by being decent people.

Not heard of the BIFF Method, but sounds good, thanks.

Agree with getting help for your H. Important that he prioritises himself & the DC over his parents.

I’d not want people who’d treated him like that when he was a child & beyond to have unsupervised contact with your DC.

Have some similar experience & DC are fine because, after a ‘journey’, applied suitable boundaries & it’s just DCs’ normality & totally fine to have low contact.

For example, if DH thought it was a good idea for his parents to have the DC stay over that suggests some denial / poor judgment.

OP, their grandparenting style is all for show so pls stop enabling it. They are doing it to show others how great they are.

Pls for your own sanity just become unavailable to them. Otherwise as the children get older they will ask the difficult questions. Why does Grandad only give me attention when others are around?? Do you really want that for your children??

My own in-laws were non existent but their absence was never felt as my family were completely in my children’s lives. My children know no different and have never really asked about their grandparents.

From their first step to sports days my children had my siblings and parents fully present. My children are adults now and both work but they FaceTime their grandparents every single day to talk about their day etc. They don’t know any different. We are all completely immersed in each others lives and we know no different.

If you have grandparents who are disengaged pls just leave them to it & have no expectations. You will be happier for it. You are trying to build a relationship which is completely one-sided. Why??? They won’t change because you are asking them to it will just create more drama so my advice is to leave it and focus on your family and the people who are invested in you all.

Mrsttcno1 It’s really hard watching your spouse go through, isn’t it? Feel quite helpless seeing them behave this way with no real solution to make it all better.

What is it about the using photos on Facebook to portray this image of being hands on grandparents? I guess they like the image of grandparents, just not the reality of it. 🙄

I am glad you have a loving family. Helps in situations like this to have this support and care from somewhere.

Haven't seen ils for over a decade now.. Since ds was a few weeks old.

Their choice. Mil never bothered.. Fil did (I think behind her back) then it Al kicked off when she wasn't invited to our wedding.. Fil came but swiftly retreated to mil's corner soon after. Even after dh pleaded with him to figure in our lives. Was very hard watching him return home defeated.
Ultimately their loss. I wouldn't be sending photos of my dc to your ils op. Fake, false, fuckers..