Absent grandparents - anyone else?

[ReesesCupcake]

Anyone else have parents/in-laws that show very little/no interest in their kids?

In our case, it’s the inlaws. DH is really hurt by their lack of interest in our kids. He puts all the effort in, and it’s sad to watch.

He will invite them on days out, but it’s always a “we will see” then a we are busy, so no.

He asks if they want the kids for a sleepover (they bought bunk beds for this) but again, MIL will have a headache or they have decided to go away that weekend etc

He sends them photos and updates of the kids, and gets no response or just a thumbs up reaction.

He takes them over and they will sit on the sofa, passively watching them play on the floor. No affection or warmth at all.

For Christmas they got them all the same present, went away so didn’t see them on the day, and gave it in the new year unwrapped - a sketch pad and pencils each. Two of them don’t even like drawing, and it is upsetting they put no effort into knowing the kids.

The weird thing is, they plaster their house and social media with photos of our kids, and when a family event is on they will play the doting grandparents by hugging them and interacting with them 🙄
So, they want the image of being hands on.

I have personally given up trying, but I can see the hurt in DH seeing his parents reject our kids. They were very unloving parents too, so I think it’s causing him to feel that pain again.

DH has given himself a break from trying to facilitate the relationship for a bit, and now they accused us of keeping the kids from them! This has annoyed me immensely.

It would appear their idea of grandparenting is being kept updated with photos and newsletters and watching them occasionally play on their floor. Now DH has pulled this back, they are angry.

Those who have similar issues, how do you manage it?

DutifulDaughterWifeMother You make some excellent points, thanks. The kids have already started to notice, which is all the more reason to not have the status quo.

My DC tried to hug MIL and sit next to her on the sofa and she quickly got up to avoid it.

Personally, I don’t try anymore.

Loopytiles I think he is just trying from a place of hurt/rejection, rather than logic. It’s emotionally driven for him to want his parents to want our kids.

To have parents than never once said I love you, never once hugged him as a child
and just left him to his own devices all the time has created a man who desperately seeks their approval and never gets it.

I am going to suggest counselling to him for it all. Perhaps if he overcomes this, he will change his perspective.

It’s heartbreaking, he is starting to accept now though that this is who they are and we can’t change them but it is so sad.

The Facebook thing winds me up no end, to look at their social media you’d think they were hands on and saw her all the time, the reality is they’ve seen her maybe 5 times since she was born, at a push!

I am very grateful for my family though, my parents, grandparents and siblings all absolutely adore her and it has been such an amazing gift to see the people I love, love my baby so much. I wish my husband had that too.

We have this but it’s actually a lot worse as my inlaws have serious issues , one being a chronic alcoholic and mil has a mental health issues and physical problems. They are both irritated by our children and that’s with us there doing everything 😂 They want to be looked after and waited on if they visit , no interest in hanging out with the kids and you couldn’t leave them with them at all….
My own parents are elderly now but my eldest is 14 (so it’s always been like this ) and my mother has never even been to a park/playground with us once and can just tolerate me visiting with my kids for around an hour and then wants to wrap it up and for us to go which is fine but means a 4 hour round trip which my dcs don’t want to do anymore and I also find it hard with work and kids to juggle , I’m exhausted a lot.
I’ve never gotten a single offer of help even when I had 3 dcs under 6 … ive brought dcs to dentists , drs , everywhere . I had a minor operation and although my dh was there , he had to go back to work and I had 3 under 6 to look after while recovering…Me and my dh never get a break , we can’t go to friends birthday , events etc . It is what it is.
What makes me sad actually is I can’t even visit my parents like a normal person with older parents as my mother doesn’t want me and my kids there and then I get judged by family for not spending enough time with my elderly parents 🤷‍♀️
Honestly you just need to accept it op and I get that’s hard. I’m surrounded by people with lots of support and I’m not talking about childcare , just family they can talk to and visit with the kids . I have never had that. Once I remember visiting when my kids were small and i remember I ended up in a playground on my own having a picnic. I just thought this is fckn ridiculous and gave up tying since tbh.

That’s understandable & hard for your H but is something he needs to work on so as not to put your DC in a position to be treated badly too.

I was your DH. My parents doted on the golden child daughter, then on her golden grand children.

My son was ignored, as were we,no matter how hard I tried. No explanation or rationale. I had no real relationship with them growing up, but in some naive way I thought it would improve as an adult. I was wrong.

Turns out not being a narcissist, living what they perceive as their wonderful lives, and daring to question it gets you isolated.

One day you have to draw the line, stop wanting something you realise isn't going to happen, and get on with life

My wife and son deserved better. I'm appalled by my ' DNA donors'. That's all they were. My son knows he's loved and thawe're e proud of him. He hugs for England and alis a joy of a human.

It's not easy but needed to be done. As the bard once said ' F em!'

Life's too short.

My ex-ils were very local to us (my family 300 miles away) but they barely saw the gc. Like you their sm was most re-sharing of photos we'd sent and whenever they did come over/we went to them they went massively overboard and then were offended the GC pulled away - they didn't really know them at all.

15 years later and the kids voted with their feet - neither visit and sadly ex-mil has dementia (the kids are under pressure from their dad to visit but they're both of the opinion that they never had any sort of relationship with either her or ex-fil)