DH and I have been together 19 years (married 17) and have two boys 14 and 11. We moved abroad for my job 9 years ago and he became mildly depressed (out of work in a new country). After 2 years he got a job and his mood lifted, but he still appeared very busy and stressed. Since we moved, we haven't had a regular sex life and our relationship entered the roommate phase (or to be honest the just stick your head in the sand and ignore the problem phase). We don't particularly enjoy spending time together any more, but we can have a nice day as a family and we don't often argue in front of the kids.
For the last 5 years, I've been making a lot of effort to get us back on track with the relationship both emotionally and sexually (new underwear, special nights out and a couple's sex book). Every time I tried he has rebuffed me. Last year, I was at my wits end and ended up crying and telling him that his rejection was destroying my self-confidence. He said he would try to work on it, but nothing has changed. In October, I begged for 15 minutes a day of time just for the two of us to hang out and connect emotionally. He put it in his diary (!) and then ignored the reminder every day for a week. He chose this year as the first year not to buy me a Valentines card, he gave me a small bunch of flowers when he came in from work, but just said 'they were quite expensive'. As we left for Valentines dinner, I put my card for him in my bag, which he saw, and said 'oh I didn't get you a card, I did flowers instead'. This made me teary on the drive to dinner. Over dinner we talked about our sex life. It seems that while I thought the problem was his low libido (depression, hypothyroid and ADHD), it turns out he is sexually active, but not with me, just with himself, in the shower.
I feel so rejected thinking that he would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife. For 7 years. And then even knowing how upset it made me he didn't do anything to change the situation. This week he says he now has never liked sex and views sex and relationships as very separate things. He made some noises about it being fixable if you see a counsellor but when he's seen counsellors before it doesn't last very long.
I am very seriously considering ending the marriage as I feel I can't get over this rejection and lack of trust. Any views welcome.