Nothing out there for abused women

[Itiswhatitis80]

Just that really,
iv been with dh for 14 years,2 dc’s,
he’s always had moments of saying vile things,not speaking to me for days,
things are bad,really bad,
he’s made it clear he’s all ready texting someone else,
he’s taken my rings,
council won’t help as I would be making myself intentionally homeless,
cant afford to private rent,
no friends or family,
im drowning.

Can he leave ?

Just to add,I did start secretly hiding money,
£5 here,£20 there,
he found it,
he’s taken it!

He refuses to leave,it’s his house is all I get,I won’t get a penny according to him.

Re council, he's being verbally abusive, go to women's aid. Fleeing an abusive situation is not intentional homelessness

I know the above because I've had a freind staying in my back room who fled a similar marriage, she's just been granted social housing and is moving in tomorrow.

I'll be upfront and say it's been a long road. Without staying with a freind shed have been staying in emergency accommodation which ...well, varies. Though I suspect the process is faster if you accept their emergency accommodation.

Another thing, you can separate from him in the same household and claim benefits.

Well, he might say you won't get a penny but the law disagrees with him.

Get advice from a local service and Refuge.

Coercive control is a crime. You may have a case if you can muster any evidence.

Divorce him.

How do I prove it though?
iv searched and searched the internet,
so so many stories,
women are sleeping on the streets because they get no help,
I can honestly see why women take their own lives.

Speak to women's aid. Plenty of women cannot 'prove' coercive control or verbal abuse. They also won't ask for proof. Accessing a DA service is the first port of call

It's hard to access sometimes, but there definitely is help.

With children, you will not be left to sleep on a park bench.

There are small grants for people to leave abusive partners.

Contact the advice services.

I'm meaning vis a vis leaving rather than starting criminal proceedings

OP, do you work? ( not judging, just wondering if you have the means to support yourself long term)

Just get yourself to a refuge.

Yes I work part time,it’s my only escape,
my work colleagues have no idea.

Yes, you don't need proof to get help.

Evidence.
Start compiling list.
Date/time. Said x, did x because I didn't do x.
Then add in any screenshot of messages, any recordings (if you have a snore app running on your phone it automatically records once it detects noise or talking)
Any threats report to police, they won't do anything but as the reports build you have a reputable paper trail.

Womans aid as PP have said. Emergency accommodation although can be unpleasant (i was in a b&b for a while, sounds nice but you can't eat much with only a kettle 😅) it's short term pain for long term gain as you will access a proper home much quicker so you can finally breathe and rebuild. I don't know if you are married, but even cohabiting long term I'm pretty sure you acquire a bit of financial rights, I would visit solicitor you might be able to register an interest on the property.

Speak to HR at work, call women's aid, speak to your health practitioners, school DSL, yoir solicitor. There is help you just need to ask locally.

I hope you find this helpful. If he becomes aggressive or threatens you please dial 999.

He’s knows where my wages go,
iv not eaten since Friday evening as he won’t buy me any food,not that I’m hungry anyway,
he said I have to start paying him rent and for that I can have a corner in the dinning room,
my crime was,I looked at another women,admiring her boots,I’m a lesbian now according to him,
my name on his phone is lemon.

Are you working today? You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline from work. There's lots of information here.

If you approached the homelessness team at you local council and told them you wanted to make a housing application to support you leaving domestic violence and they told you that would be making yourself intentionally homeless that is disgraceful, incorrect and worthy of a complaint.

You need to go back to them - they absolutely will accommodate you temporarily in this situation.

I work in this area and actually the gateway to a lot of support is via the police. I disagree with the previous poster which said they won't do anything about coercive control. I'm sure some forces aren't as good as others but the one I work alongside are really hot on it.

If you reported what you said above in my area you would be offered a DASH risk assessment and would probably be discussed at MARAC (we have a very low MARAC threshold to ensure coercive control is picked up).

The police would probably arrest him and bail him not to have contact with you for a short period of time while they investigate.

A referral would be made to childrens services (andbprobably closed again or a referral to early help).

You would be signposted by the police to housing and domestic violence services.

I can't guarantee that every police force is the same but coercive control and is a crime and what you are experiencing is domestic abuse.

There is help out there.

It's worth speaking to your GP as well

You need to change where your wages go.

Is there no food in the house? What are the DC eating?

You don't pay your husband rent.

You must register your matrimonial home rights with the Land Registry, the advice agencies will help you do that. This prevents the sale of the house.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/

@SafeguardingSocialWorker describes how it works in our area too.

You wouldn't need proof if you called our local authority's IDVA team as they operate from a believing stance.

Go to the police @Itiswhatitis80 . Or make a report online or by phoning 101. Financial abuse and coercive control are crimes.

Do you have any family?

Thank you everyone,

it’s says I need evidence of coercive control on at least 2 occasions for the police to charge him,

the problem is he checks my phone every time I get in from work,

there has been enough food for the dc,he makes their tea when I go to work.i come home to nothing.

Where does it say that?

OP, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and they'll advise you. You can also use the Refuge webchat service, they're open till late.

You can find a safe space here to make a call.