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Original poster

Religion

41 replies

emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 01:39

Hi guys I'm just looking for a bit of help.

So I've recently started dating this guy and he is INCREDIBLE. We click so amazingly but there's something I'm struggling with.

He's heavily Christian, and this is not something I dislike at all, I respect all of his beliefs & I think it's beautiful but I'm really finding the whole no intimacy before marriage thing so incredibly hard. I have a child already and have been sexually active for a long time so this is something I'm really struggling with as I believe sex is a huge part of a relationship. How do I go about this? I don't want to let go of him because he's an incredible guy & I want to be respectful & mindful of every situation but it's becoming really difficult for me to keep my self in check sometimes when things get a little heated between us.

I also need to add that his parents are completely overbearing - we are both consensual adults & they have so much control over his life, for example taking his phone on a weekend after 11pm ( he's literally an adult ) and taking his car keys past 7pm so he can't go anywhere. I understand he still lives at home so there has to be some rules to abide to and I understand that, but these are just small examples - I live at home alone with my daughter & it makes me feel like I'm dating a child. Whenever he tries to do something they don't want they bring his religion into it by saying things like 'that's not very Christian of you' etc. I also need to add that they are NOT religious at all so it's not down to their own beliefs, my partner & his brother are but not their parents. It's just hard when I want to see him in the evening ( even so be it 6pm ) and he has to literally beg his parents to go out somewhere even though I will repeat again he is an adult.

Has anyone ever been in some similar sorts of situations? TIA :)

OP posts:
Meecrowahvey · 18/02/2025 01:44

How on earth can you, as a mother, find a man that has to ask his parents permission, attractive?

Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 01:48

Meecrowahvey · 18/02/2025 01:44

How on earth can you, as a mother, find a man that has to ask his parents permission, attractive?

I don't, it's driving me insane - which is why I'm asking how tf to deal with this 😂

OP posts:
Alalalala · 18/02/2025 01:49

Run a mile. He won’t change, so either you agree to be completely controlled by his parents too, in an oppressive and humiliating way, or - leave him.

Meecrowahvey · 18/02/2025 01:51

Perhaps you're suffering some type of temporary madness.

Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 01:52

Meecrowahvey · 18/02/2025 01:51

Perhaps you're suffering some type of temporary madness.

I think you might be right

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 01:53

Alalalala · 18/02/2025 01:49

Run a mile. He won’t change, so either you agree to be completely controlled by his parents too, in an oppressive and humiliating way, or - leave him.

Oh no no I can't have that 😅

OP posts:
SchrodingersTwat2 · 18/02/2025 01:56

I think it will take years of therapy for him to get over such treatment and being brainwashed into being religious.

I'm afraid I wouldn't hang around waiting for meaningful changes.

Ponderingwindow · 18/02/2025 02:05

Do you want your child to think this particular brand of religion is healthy? Do you want your child to attend their church?

this man is an adult and is living under ridiculous rules. He could have chosen to distance himself from their version of religion, but he chose to stay. Do you want him to bring this to your household?

purpleme12 · 18/02/2025 02:07

Is this actually real?!

I find it hard to bring myself to believe this.

But if it's truly real, walk away

Deedeesharpwhatkindoflady · 18/02/2025 02:12

Nope an adult that's under curfew at 7pm.
And that concludes tonight's episode of jackanory.

category12 · 18/02/2025 05:40

Go round his home at night and throw pebbles at his window, he can shimmy down the drainpipe.

LittleBigHead · 18/02/2025 07:52

I spent three years seeing a Christian man who had similar issues about sex before marriage. I think in the end it covered up his homosexuality which was impossible for him and his family even to contemplate let alone accept.

Dump him now. It’s a waste of your life. Really it is.

LittleBigHead · 18/02/2025 07:54

And getting married just so you can have sex with someone is the very worst possible reason for getting married. It’s poison (but I might be bitter 😂)

HowAmYa · 18/02/2025 08:11

Jesus how old is he?
I'm sorry I can't believe that he is incredible with all these massively weird child like qualities. It's quite disturbing. And he won't grow up overnight either...
New relationships should be lovely and most of all FUN. Getting flirty, flirty jokes and being ADULT about things....
It sounds like you're with a kid....

Sorry OP , just being honest. Run a mile

Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 09:37

Ponderingwindow · 18/02/2025 02:05

Do you want your child to think this particular brand of religion is healthy? Do you want your child to attend their church?

this man is an adult and is living under ridiculous rules. He could have chosen to distance himself from their version of religion, but he chose to stay. Do you want him to bring this to your household?

Did you read the last paragraph? His family aren't religious which makes it even worse because they're literally using his religion against him - which is even worse because it's literally manipulating his brain to think he's doing wrong - I wouldn't mind my child going to church but at the same time this is more about mine and his intimacy rather than my religious beliefs at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 09:38

purpleme12 · 18/02/2025 02:07

Is this actually real?!

I find it hard to bring myself to believe this.

But if it's truly real, walk away

This is very very real. I know it's absolutely absurd but unfortunately this is an actual real life situation I'm living in right now 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 09:38

category12 · 18/02/2025 05:40

Go round his home at night and throw pebbles at his window, he can shimmy down the drainpipe.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 09:39

LittleBigHead · 18/02/2025 07:52

I spent three years seeing a Christian man who had similar issues about sex before marriage. I think in the end it covered up his homosexuality which was impossible for him and his family even to contemplate let alone accept.

Dump him now. It’s a waste of your life. Really it is.

I actually had a dream the other night that he was homosexual & he thought that by turning Christian, god would 'fix' him

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 09:39

LittleBigHead · 18/02/2025 07:54

And getting married just so you can have sex with someone is the very worst possible reason for getting married. It’s poison (but I might be bitter 😂)

Well imagine if I married him and then the sex was absolutely horrid 😒

OP posts:
Original poster
emsantana99 · 18/02/2025 09:40

HowAmYa · 18/02/2025 08:11

Jesus how old is he?
I'm sorry I can't believe that he is incredible with all these massively weird child like qualities. It's quite disturbing. And he won't grow up overnight either...
New relationships should be lovely and most of all FUN. Getting flirty, flirty jokes and being ADULT about things....
It sounds like you're with a kid....

Sorry OP , just being honest. Run a mile

Don't be sorry you're being realistic, he's 22. I feel like I just need to get rid of him otherwise I'll just end up acting like his mother

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 18/02/2025 09:41

I am a devout Christian and this is not normal or healthy in any way!

TheBewleySisters · 18/02/2025 09:45

Does his curfew mean you never see him in the evening- no dinner dates, no going to the cinema, no cosy dinner at your place? When do you see him, and what do your dates look like?

ErrolTheDragon · 18/02/2025 09:45

Don't be sorry you're being realistic, he's 22. I feel like I just need to get rid of him otherwise I'll just end up acting like his mother

Are you quite a lot older than him?
Either way, he may really care about you but probably also sees this relationship as his way out of living at home.

For his own good whether you stay together or not can you persuade him he needs to take control of his own life and move out?

(Just wondering if his religiosity is also related to this unhealthy dynamic... invoking someone bigger than his parents to obey?)

anonhop · 18/02/2025 09:45

You're wanting to pressure him into sex outside of marriage which goes against his faith?

user4578 · 18/02/2025 09:54

Well he won’t live at home forever, so how close is he to being able to move out?
I would be more concerned about the mismatch in faith. Unless you’re opening to exploring that further, I think life is easier if your core values are aligned.
Sex again is a short term problem. If he is a committed Christian then dating should be getting to know someone before committing to marriage. So I guess the question you should be considering is he someone you could see yourself spending your life with?