Does the "trauma" ever go away?

[Lifelongtrauma]

Sorry this is a bit long and maybe a bit triggering for some.

There's definitely some generational trauma in my family. Both my grandmother's were terrible mothers. My DM was abandoned by her and "fostered" by a random couple my grandmother met at a bus stop. My grandmother also gave a baby away and admittedly she never wanted to have any of her children apart from the first one. She even tried to kill herself with her children at some point.

My paternal grandmother threw knives at my dad when he was a teen.

Then my parents got married and my mother hoped for a wholesome family, but in reality my father is/was very abusive (I don't know if he's alive). He would beat my DM, and threatened her section her. My DM stayed because of money, but I also don't think she thought it was so bad. (It was, my dad would hit us for super random reasons).

Eventually my dad committed a crime, and we had to flee to "protect" him. That happened more than 20 years ago. He also blamed us for his actions. He's now in prison and I have no interest in ever visiting him. (My sister still defends him).

I ended up marrying a controlling man albeit not really abusive, my second husband did financially abused me, but at least he's changed and wants to keep improving. My sister ended up with a violent man.

Anyway if you've read all the way here Ty. I've been in therapy but I don't think it ever goes away. I watched "It ends with us" and that film triggered me, thus why I wrote this post.

The trauma never goes away. It will be indefinitely part of the fabric that makes you you. But it doesn't mean you aren’t able to be happy. Continue therapy work through it and don’t think of others as having their life together whilst you are a work in progress. The way I see it being a work in progress is actually the best way to be. It means you are open to growth and change and evolving. Willing to learn from mistakes that others inflicted on you, from your own and if you have kids (or will have in the future) passing down just a little less trauma that you have been passed on.

Interesting. Both my sister and I decided our family trauma stopped with us in that we both decided to not have children and took definitive steps to make sure. Having said that, my sister was just as destructive for me as she was an active barrier between me and my mother’s abuse. So, maybe it never did stop the trauma and she passed it on even when trying to protect me.
I actively try not to treat anyone else the same way as my family treated me and often second guess my reactions to others. Inter generational trauma is definitely an interesting topic.

I do. I have two. Unfortunately my oldest definitely got a much more immature version of me, but I've improved over the years. My youngest has experienced a much much better version of me.

14

14?

Sorry! I think she's fine. Hard to know as she has tons more angst than I ever did.

How, not how old

She doesn't want to, her behaviours are more similar to her dad's (gets stressed about everything, gets sad quickly) etc

Yes it can and does.

Maternal grandma had six kids by at least four men. None of who stuck around. Her eldest daughter was my mother. Her father was abusive to her.

Mother has me to make father marry her. He did not. She chose money and men over me over and over again. I had a terrible childhood in care.

Me, married then had children. Literally the only person in my family to do it that way. Children all doing incredibly well. As am I. Now.

I don't really believe that abusive people change, more that they tend to move to other behaviours, so I'm a bit suspicious of your second husband.

All you can do is try and reflect and try again to do better than you were shown or given.

And with your dd, if she's not open to counselling now, maybe later on.

The controlling one

Yes it gets better. I am the same regarding trauma and ended up in an exceptionally abusive relationship at 18. Then at 24 I met the most amazingly wonderful man who helped me break the cycle and I can honestly say it’s like a massive massive weight has been lifted.

I don't think it goes away for those of us who have suffered. However we can make sure not to pass it on. I think that's the hardest things actually, my mother had a shit mother so she was a shit mother. She put herself first because in her mind she was doing the best she could and had suffered enough. Whereas I'm not letting my past make me a shit mum this costs me twice as much to parent as it cost my mother in energy. Everything drains me from both sides. But my kids won't have that trauma to pass on so it's worth it

I had a mother that despised me. She was really jealous of the relationship that I had with my Dad. He worked away, so I had to put up with her.
When I had my DD. I was really worried that I would harm her emotionally too. I swore I would never treat her in the same way as my Mum did me. My DD is treated in the way that I would have hoped I would have been. She is totally loved and adored by me. But I have taught her boundaries. She respects me, as I respect her. We tick along nicely. We are also a separated family, though my ex is a nice man.

I mean I still believe he does sneaky things behind my back, but at least he can't affect our family finances anymore.

So you're still in the cycle yourself really.

He might not be as bad as a previous abuser and more subtle than he was himself earlier in the relationship, but it's still dysfunctional.

I don't think trauma can go away while you're still in the cycle.

Therapist here.
Generational trauma usually takes several generations to heal. Just because you're not the one who finishes healing, doesn't mean you're not on the right path.
I loved 'It ends with us', however it's not a realistic story for anyone who's been through trauma or abuse. The amount of work and therapy it takes to become the kind of mother who doesn't pass down anything to her child, is enormous, more than most can accomplish. And that's okay.
I've got my own trauma and I am coming to terms with the fact that I likely won't succeed at shielding my daughters from all of it. But if I can take the sharp edges off, do enough work so that the load they carry is less than mine, then I'm on the right track.
Like in my case: both my mother and maternal grandmother were in very abusive relationships with a controlling narcissist. Both were financially, emotionally and physically abused. However, in my grandmothers case, the abuse didn't end, ever, even after the divorce.
My mother also divorced, and the abuse lasted 20 years after that. But she eventually found her freedom at age 50.
I walked right into that kind of relationship, but left at 27, luckily with no children.
Each generation seems to do a little bit better than the last one. I managed to marry a wonderful man, and my daughters will be raised by a loving father. Maybe it will end with them. But each generation played their part and paved the way for that.