Husband asked my friend out on a date

[Musicismyfriend]

Hi , I've ended a 31 year marriage due to my husband's infidelity..I found out three yrs ago that he was having a long term affair, I stupidly thought I could fix him and our marriage as at the time I was very much in love with him .He would have promised me everything if I stayed . I then found out he was still in contact with her so I had all the heart break again to deal with , he is now in another relationship( he is saying he is not but I have proof ) and dumped the first mistress..I've ended the marriage ,but we are still living together until I find a suitable home for myself and my teenage daughter. I'm 54 by the way . I now have family and friends told that the marriage is over due to his infidelity ( I found it hard to tell people, don't know why I did ) but now two of my friends have told me that a few years back he asked both of them out ( both friends don't know each other ) yet they both decided not to tell me .. I'm just think why couldn't they have told me ? I really thought we had a good marriage and before you ask we had a good sex life so don't know why he wanted them .Are they really my friends for keeping that from me ?

No I don't think l this has any bearing on whether they're good friends.

You say they don't know each other so to them, it was one isolated incident, to you it was part of a huge pattern.

What stage was this at, when you were still married ostensibly happily, or post affair trying to put it right?

They probably didn't think it was substantial enough to rock the boat. More of a watch and wait situation.

Not enough to cast doubt on a long marriage (if pre affair), and if you were trying to fix things, you'd made a decision and they didn't think it was enough to tear everything open again.

They may have felt in an awkward position as it wasn't a massive sexual pass or declaration of love. Perhaps he could have explained it away as innocent or said he was drunk so they thought best not to get involved.

Your friends aren't at fault here, knowing this wouldn't really have solved anything.

My point is don't let his behaviour make you doubt all your friends' noticed too. It's likely they did what they thought was best at the time .

Motivates*

Motives, even

Your husband cheated and you stayed. Honestly- if your friends would have told you, what would you have done? They probably thought you wouldn’t leave and they would somehow be blamed. Which, could be right.

Many, many years ago one of my late DH's friends tried to kiss me & told me how much he fancied me. I told him to back off & told my DH about it. I agonised about telling the friend's wife (we used to quite often go out as a foursome & I would babysit for their children) but, on discussion with DH, we decided it best not to tell her as it could break up their family. Instead we agreed to cool the friendship & not see them as often.

As it happened friend went on to have an affair with someone else & wife ended up leaving him. She asked me if he'd ever tried it on with me. I had to be honest & say that he had, but, as nothing happened, I didn't tell her as I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up their young family.

Nearly 40 years later I still don't know if I did the right thing.

Much the same story here. Friend's DH tried to kiss me, he had been drinking and my DH and I agreed that probably played a part and to say nothing, but it changed our friendship as I never saw him the same way again.

Friend recently confided in me that her DH has had several affairs, but she's still with him. I know now he probably tried his chances with every female he encountered and I don't think telling my friend would have had any impact on their marriage, but maybe our friendship. Like you @NotthinglikeaBondGirl I still don't know what I should have done.

The reality is, your friends didn't want to involve themselves in your marriage. If each of them had come to you and said 'Your husband asked me out', what would have been your reaction? Would you have somehow blamed them? I suspect the reason neither of them told you, was the fear of you not believing them. Your husband could have spun you a yarn, which you may have believed. Don't blame your friends, they were put in a very difficult position.

I wish the narrative in this could change. You wouldn't have been responsible for breaking up their marriage. That would have been all him. I know about the messenger always gets the blame but if my friend has been saved from heartache I could take the blame tbh.

It was long before I found out about his affair ..I just think if my friends husband asked me on a date I would tell her , all my neighbours around me knew about his long term affair yet no one told me , yes I know I tried to fix it then but I was grieving the marriage I thought I had , once I was out of that stage I just couldn't stay as the trust was gone .I bet if I asked anyone would they prefer to know if their husband was cheating almost everyone would say " yes "

I’m probably the minority, but I wouldn’t be able to move past this. I wouldn’t be able to look at the friendship the same, knowing my “friends” could withhold such crucial information from me. I’d find it quite humiliating tbh.

I stayed married when I knew my husband was horrible, turns out he was also a cheat… if I had known, it wouldn’t have made any difference I was still stuck with someone horrible until I could do something about it.

Your friends could not really do right for doing wrong.

Gosh. I'd be fuming. I truly wouldn't be able to be as close to those friends or neighbours. Good on you for leaving.

I think sometimes the messenger gets it in the neck.

Wife doesn't believe her and it blows up in her face.

So people are cautious to speak up.

In my experience of this, when friends tell someone their husband tried it on - the husband denies it and the friend gets blamed. Women are rarely believed sadly.

I don't think you should hold this against them - your husband put them in a horrible situation

Thank you for your input - but this was in about 1987, I hope that attitudes have changed now.

At the time we were living in small Welsh-speaking town (where my DH had grown up) &, as an English woman, my DH was concerned that I would be ostracised if I said anything.

I remember that, when we moved into our home a few days after marrying, our neighbour asked DH (in Welsh) if he couldn't have found a nice Welsh girl to marry instead of a (I can't spell it in Welsh, but it was Sice as in siceneg - a derogatory term). He responded (in Welsh) that the problem with Welsh girls is that they could turn into racist, opinionated old bitches like her. Good for him. 😂

You believed you had a good marriage. She could have told you, he would have denied it and you would have believed him and the friendship would probably have been over. She did what she thought was right at the time.
If she had told you then and you had fallen out with her - you would now be feeling foolish and a friend down who you're probably going to need.

Don't blame your friends. Women often get ostracised or disbelieved if they report inappropriate male behaviour.

Several years ago a married/partnered guy asked me out/then wanted to call directly to my house instead. I didn't know his circumstances so agreed to coffee, but then he pushed to call directly to my house, at which point I declined.

I told a "friend" about it, who spread THE STORY ALL around, thereby outing him. The gossip, blame and blaming in the aftermath was ridiculous. Women don't report, because they get thrown under the bus, if they do.

Well one of the friends he messaged her so she had the proof to show me , I would have believed them as why would a friend say your husband asked them out if he didn't...I just feel like if they had my best interest at heart they would have told me..

It was 15 yrs ago that he asked out one of them ,imagine me having those 15 yrs back ...I've been with this man since i was 17 never had sex with anyone only him ..Why is everyone so willing to turn a blind eye and say nothing..I feel like such a fool !!!!

Men who ask their wife’s friends out don’t just do that out of the blue. They tend to be quite openly flirty and dodgy from the start. In similar situations I have assumed the wife was aware on some level and would rather not have to face it, or have to have an awkward conversation about it.

Even my sister and nieces , nephews heard it but never told me about his long term affair. I feel angry towards my sister for holding that information from me

I'm so sorry, it's really shit that you were the last to know about the affair.

However, asking two women to meet him separately (however he worded it), is not the affair. Given that you tried again knowing about his actual infidelity, in all honesty, what do you think you would have done differently knowing he had merely asked them out?

I'm pretty confident he'd have come out with some tosh such as 'I wasn't going to say but Patricia was upset because of some made up personal issue, probably a bit juicy, so I offered to talk about it with her. She was embarrassed about anyone knowing'.

I'd try to un-conflate the two things. Not telling you about an affair.is one thing. However, a one off invitation during a long marriage? I think a lot would weigh it up and stay out of it.

I would also consider whether you're not directing your anger to a more manageable target for now. They have (arguably) committed one small, contained transgression. Your husband, well, he's given you plenty more to process.