Husband asked my friend out on a date

[Musicismyfriend]

Hi , I've ended a 31 year marriage due to my husband's infidelity..I found out three yrs ago that he was having a long term affair, I stupidly thought I could fix him and our marriage as at the time I was very much in love with him .He would have promised me everything if I stayed . I then found out he was still in contact with her so I had all the heart break again to deal with , he is now in another relationship( he is saying he is not but I have proof ) and dumped the first mistress..I've ended the marriage ,but we are still living together until I find a suitable home for myself and my teenage daughter. I'm 54 by the way . I now have family and friends told that the marriage is over due to his infidelity ( I found it hard to tell people, don't know why I did ) but now two of my friends have told me that a few years back he asked both of them out ( both friends don't know each other ) yet they both decided not to tell me .. I'm just think why couldn't they have told me ? I really thought we had a good marriage and before you ask we had a good sex life so don't know why he wanted them .Are they really my friends for keeping that from me ?

So many women make all kinds of excuses why they won't tell someone.

It's grim behaviour to me. Just be brave and tell the person.

It can only imagine that it is super horrible to discover you were the last person to find out that your husband is a sleaze/a cheat

But sadly many people prefer to do the easy thing rather than the right thing

No, for the very reasons quoted above by other posters. I think as women, we hope that we're the only person he has done this to, to spare our friendship. If you had knowledge and someone confided to you that he had asked them out, you would potentially ask your other friends and see if there were similar things which would show a pattern. As they don't know each other and therefore had no idea that he was in effect carpet bombing, there's a belief that to rock the boat by telling you puts them in a difficult position which as a bullshitter he would deny.

And the thing is: they're partially right, aren't they? You're judging them for not telling you sooner. You say that you would have believed them: Would you, really? Or would you have hoped that this was as a result of drink or justified it somehow after challenging him? It was a long time ago. They are not responsible here. He was trying it on with all and sundry, it would seem. Don't blame them, or you. Blame your ex who can't keep it in his pants and is a duplicitous lying twat to boot.

I will add that a married man tried it on with me at work and I turned him down. When his wife found out he told her I was obsessed with him, and then even went and told my boss at work that I was obsessed with him (I guess to make it seem credible to his wife). It was genuinely a horrific situation/conversation with my boss and I had no interest in him whatsoever and just wanted him to leave me alone.

Point is that your friends probably would've been put in a horrible situation if they told you. I don't think you should blame them - he's the one who deserves the blame!

I think this is true, one of the first threads I remember reading here (so 18 years ago!) was someone who asked “Did you shoot then messenger?”.

The answer was a very resounding Yes- even to the extent that they would torch a decades long friendship, rather than deal with infidelity immediately, even though the husband was a cheating cheat.

My husband don't drink so I wouldn't have blamed drink ..And for those who say my anger should be towards him , it is, we are divorcing.. I'm still friends with both of these women and have no intentions of falling out with them but I just think I would tell as I would want to know

I agree with you that they should have spoken out.

Even if he’d convinced you that the first one was making it up, you would have been a little on your guard when the second one came with the same story. Instead you’ve lived your life as though you were in a good marriage, made plans and decisions that maybe weren’t in your best interest. If you’d known he was routinely trying it on with different women every chance he got, you could have got rid of him 15 years ago.

Years ago one of my closest friends husband tried it on with me when she was pregnant with their third child. To this day I genuinely don’t know what came over him as he sent me explicit messages and seemed very shocked that I had turned him down. I blamed myself and thought maybe I had done something to make him think I liked him! Dh and I decided not to tell my friend but distanced ourselves and it hurts me to this day as she was a very close friend. Found out last year that he has had multiple affairs and even got another woman pregnant while still married. Friend is still with him and makes excuses for him, slagging off the women saying it’s their fault. Sadly I don’t think she would’ve believed me even if I had told her

Absolutely.
She'd probably get blamed for leading him on.
She was in a no win situation.

I think I'm going against the thread but I'd be really hurt if my friends hadn't told me. It would change my opinions of them.

I would tell.

In fact I have told. I have remained friend. In fact we're closer because I didn't shy away from telling her something I believed would save her from further harm.

You see it here all the time on OW/ infidelity threads - "No, don't tell the wife because 'stupid reason'".

Sorry all of this has happened to you.

Have you asked the women why they didn't tell you?
Is it possible they wondered if you would think worse of them than you would of your husband? (That they had flirted, etc).

I hope you'll find another place to live very soon. It must be absolutely horrible having to continue living with your ex H.

I would tell too, @Elasticatedtrousers

I've been 'the last to know' and the sense of humiliation as a result (on top of and separate from the humiliation of being cheated on) was hard to get over.

I've even seen glances exchanged between two people who knew my exH, on one social occasion when exH was making a big show of family togetherness. My subconscious filed that away and it all came roaring back when I discovered the truth. Not nice.

I think they made the wrong call but they probably were afraid of losing your friendship if they told you.

OP, they didn't tell you because they worried that you would stand by him and it would create conflict and a lost friendship for them.

And the truth is, they were probably right. Three years ago when you found out for sure that he hadn't merely asked another woman out he was actually having a long term affair, what did you do? You stood by him. That happens as often as not in these situations, so people are wary of being the messenger. It's a no-win situation for them and they don't have faith it will actually help the partner being cheated on.

I thought I would tell. Always thought I would tell. But, when it happened, I didn't. For all the reasons given.

The first time it happened, was about 11 years ago and I was shocked. It's happened several times since. One of them was the married friend of my then boyfriend. I told my boyfriend and even he minimised it.

Its easy to think you'd say something and it's easy to even imagine the words you'd use but when it actually happens, it's a very different matter altogether. If I'm completely honest, I'd only tell if I was happy to lose the friendship.

Equally, though, I'd want to be told. It's not an easy situation.

If you've ever seen a thread on here where someone knows about a cheating partner and is questioning whether to say, a load of the responses are always to keep out of it.

Don't focus on your friends not telling u. He put them in a very difficult situation. Good luck.with everything OP. If u decide to have another relationship in the future u won't put up.with such crap. Know your worth.

He had an affair and you didn't leave so why are you suggesting you'd have left 15 years ago based on a text message? I think you'd probably have just lost the freind.

Really place the blame where it belongs. You'd have told in the same situation, you think.....but it's obvious from this thread that a lot of women in that position wouldn't or didn't for lots of reasons, some have agonised over whether it was the right decision. So it's not an easy choice and your husband put your freinds into this impossible bind. He's responsible for that.

This is different but another example of how a guilty party will sacrifice someone to save themselves.

I didn't know the couple but once in a bar a much older man tried to chat me up and offer me a drink. I turned him down politely but he was seen or heard trying which must have got back to his wife, or he was concerned it might. Next thing, I was being questioned by management regarding why I was harassing married men for money and to buy me drinks. They believed him at first so he must have been quite convincing as I'm not being arrogant but at 22 I was gorgeous, not drunk and certainly did not make a habit of approaching old blokes for drinks. This was in front of my new boyfriend and his parents. Luckily I'd known him for years as friends so they believed me. There was talk of throwing me out if it happened again at first. They relented but the man was happy to see me, a relative kid, shown up to save himself. It was a stranger so bit different as I say but I think indicative of the same self preserving thought process.

My point is, your ex would have made a case for himself and there is a very good chance you would have believed him or convinced yourself it wasn't enough to leave. Plus their reputation could have been affected too as with the PP. Sometimes on balance people with the best of intentions just decide there isn't enough at stake to get involved.

I think you're currently working through the what ifs but don't fixate on this revisionist version of events. You chose to stay when you knew of much worse than a pass.

I think you should have been told about the affair by someone close.

But not so much a pass. The thinking "well, he can go in the 'old lech' category but I handled it, nothing happened, and she seems happy and there are kids so I'll carry on unless anything else comes up' is entirely understandable.

What would you have done if they had told you? Considering he had a full blown affair and you still stayed with him, the likelihood is that it wouldn't have made the slightest difference. Your anger is misguided. I was in your friends shoes years ago. I told my friend what her husband said, after thinking long and hard about it. It wasn't an easy decision. In the end wormed his way out of it and she accused me of trying to ruin her relationship/misreading the signs/overreacting. It ended our friendship, and she has stuck with him even though she's found out about subsequent affairs. I wished I hadn't bothered to be honest.

YourWildAmberSlot , I did end the marriage over his affair and maybe if my friends had told me I would have caught his affair sooner and for those of you who are saying my anger should be with my husband, it is !!!!!!